CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE:June 24, 1998
  • JUST VISITING
  • FEATURE ARTICLE :"What it Takes to Repair Damaged Marriages"
• FROM THE E-MAIL BAG
  "A Question About Love in a Relationship"

In this week's newsletter we address the subject of love in two different directions. Sometimes love is a dead ringer for duty, which reminds me of a quotation attributed to Robert E. Lee. An inscription beneath his bust in the Hall of Fame for Great Americans in New York City reads, "Duty then is the sublimest word in our language. Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less." But the word "duty" sounds like it's drained of emotion. I recall a time when I took Ann to the hospital emergency room. She was extremely ill. For some reason the hospital staff deserted me. I ended up taking care of some rather unpleasant but necessary duties (It serves no purpose to repeat the details). I didn't feel any warm and tender feelings. I felt resentful, angry (with the staff not Ann), frustrated and neglected. I didn't feel I should have to do any of these things. After all we were paying good money for someone else to do it. It was duty pure and simple, but it was probably one of the most loving things I have ever done for her. How so? As Clint Black says in his popular song, "Love's not just something that we feel. It's something that we do."

I've chosen to address how love expresses itself in the home when a spouse is suffering an illness.

A reader asked Ann to address the question of feelings and emotions, which she does in this issue.

Norman

by Norman Bales

Recently, I spent a week at home recovering from surgery. It was not a week that I will remember with great fondness. I haven't had much experience with boredom in my entire life, but I think I must have gotten pretty close to that when I realized I was looking forward to seeing the weather report.

Actually Ann had the tough job. For the first couple of days, I was close to being totally dependent on her. Then as I felt better I gave her a lot of trouble because I wanted to push the edge of how much I could do for myself. Sometimes I wonder why they call a sick person a patient. My lack of patience exposes me as a poor patient.

To be quite honest, being "under-the-weather" is a piece of cake for a man, especially if he's got someone around like Ann who alternately pampered me and threatened bodily harm if I violated doctors orders one more time. Being sick is a tough thing for a wife and a mom.

Most mothers only allow themselves about a half a day a year to be sick. They grow weary of accumulated laundry, messes in the kitchen and children fighting over whose turn it is to clean up said messes. A husband might help out the first day of Mom's illness, but there's a better than even chance that he will "have" to work late on the second day. He'll call and make his apologies. "Sorry, Hon. I know how bad you feel, but I probably won't be home until about 10 o'clock tonight." It doesn't take him long to figure out the relative degree of difficulty in life's stresses. If demands from his boss stresses him to a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, his wife's illness will stress him to about an 11.2.

How should a husband deal with his wife illness? This is a good time to make practical application if 1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands . . . be considerate as your live with your wife . . .." It's also a good time to think about what you promised when you promised to love your wife "in sickness as in health." Unfortunately both of those statements tend to be somewhat abstract. Here are some concrete applications of those abstract principles.

1. Take care of meal preparation. Learn how to cook. If you pride yourself in your ability to tinker with engines, make things, improve your golf swing, stalk game or persuade fish to attack your lure, you can learn how to cook. If you don't want to do that, at the very least, have the decency outwitting a fish to both go by the deli and pick food that's already prepared. If you're too lazy to do that, you can have Pizza delivered to the house, but don't expect your sick wife to eat it. She needs something that's a little blander. Above all, don't expect her to prepare food.

2. Take charge of the children. If you've been an absentee father, it's time to cancel golf dates, fishing trips and even some late night meetings at work. If you have to, take a few vacation days. Don't fret over having to cancel a fishing trip to Canada. They boys can do it without you this year. And when you spend time with the children, make sure you're there. Help them with homework. Make sure they get their baths. See that they're properly dressed for school. Once I sent my daughter off to school. Her dress had a belt that had to be tied in a bow. The teacher took one look at the way I tied the bow and determined that Ann was sick that day. It would have been better to select alternate clothing. You may need to get someone to advise you about which colors go together and which ones don't. That may not be so crucial for boys, but with girls it is absolutely essential.

3. Take care of your wife. She's your best and most lasting investment. How do you respond when your car runs poorly? Don't you take it to your mechanic. If your wife needs to go to the doctor, make the appointment. If at all possible, take off from work at drive her to his office. Pick up the prescription medicines and give her as much TLC (tender loving care) as she needs. I have to issue a warning here. I'm married to a woman who has three levels of TLC need.
   • If she is seriously ill, she wants to be totally left alone to suffer in silence.
   • If she is desperately ill, she needs attention to her needs. That's the time I need to stay home from work and give her constant attention.
   • I can always tell when she improves. She begins to complain.
   Your wife may respond differently. I would guess that she will give you an agenda of how she wants to be treated and I can guarantee that neglect is not on her agenda.

Basically it all boils down to the most fundamental principle of human relations. We call it the "Golden Rule - "Do to others as you would have them do to you" (Luke 6:31). The person who shares your life deserves such consideration and she'll never need it more than she does during a time of illness.

Dear Norman,

I suppose this letter is more for Ann, but also for you concerning the article she just wrote for the newsletter.

I'm 24 and never married. I've actually ended three engagements because I wasn't sure the other person was the one with whom I could be in love my entire life. What I'm writing about is the example she used of the couple who had problems after 20 years of marriage, they have fixed their problems and Ann says of their relationship….

They have been married a long time and their relationship appears to be stable. Not a word about being in love with each other or having come out stronger for working out their problems

I understand the end of the honeymoon phase being over and the vigilance required to keep from taking each other for granted, but is it supposed to end up with the most being said that the marriage is stable? Have I been wanting too much? Is this why I'm not married? I thought I was doing the smart thing. I've been reading books by Christian authors on marriage, read with great interest and agreement your series on headship in the household and pray daily for a good marriage, a good man, and to be the right Christian woman to make my marriage work and be an inspiration to our children and to others. Have I been wanting too much? This is my question.

RESPONSE

Have I been wanting too much in a marriage relationship? That is a good question to ask. In answering the question, I had to go back many years to when I was dating and looking for a Christian mate to spend my life with and father my children. I broke five engagements while trying to find the one person to which I could commit to share the rest of my life. It is a very difficult decision. The young lady who wrote the above note is very wise. She has high expectations and goals for a relationship. The seriousness of the matter has sent her to books and other reading materials for guidance. She has goals and commitment to making her marriage the best that she can and to insure a happy future. She is to be praised and commended. I was twenty-four when I married. Our daughter was thirty. It doesn't matter at what age we marry. It is important who we marry and how prepared we are to take that step on our journey of life.

She questioned the statement I made about the couple that worked through their marriage problems after being married twenty years. The fact that I said their marriage was stable and didn't mention that they were still in love was of concern. I apologize for taking so long to reply to her question. Perhaps some insight can be gained from a lesson we presented to our young married couple's class this past Sunday. The title was "Love is Something That We Do." I will attempt to address her concerns with some of the statements from that class.

Many people confuse loving with "being in love." J. Allen Peterson describes the "being in love" experience in this way. "Most people get married believing a myth - that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things that they longed for - companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people. There is no romance in marriage. People have to infuse it in their marriages. A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising - keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty." The things that we do creates love. Our spouse may say I love you every day for years, but if that affection is not shown by actions, we soon begin to doubt if it is real love. The old adage of "actions speak louder than words" might come into play here. W.E. Vine puts it in these words. "Love. . . can only be known by the actions it prompts." Love involves seeking the best interests of the one you love (Ephesians 5:28).

Love also takes constant effort. Hebrews 13:1 tells us that "love means that you 'keep on loving one another.'" Dave Grant defined love as "The commitment of my will to meet your needs and best interests regardless of how I feel." The Ultimate Power, p..118) " . . . Little of life is passed in moments of intensity, important as they are. The best relationships are built up, like a fine lacquer finish with the accumulated layers of many acts of kindness." - William Loy McGinnis. The Friendship Factor. p. 51.

Love involves sacrifice from both partners (Ephesians 4:1). According to Erich Fromm ". . . the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving not receiving."

Last, but not least, love needs forbearance (Ephesians 4:2) "Answering the call to love demands much courage and determination because self-exposure always involves the risk of being seriously hurt." John Powell. The Secret of Staying in Love. p. 66.

The couple that I said had a very stable marriage did many things to show they loved each other. They had a good marriage because they learned that the marriage relationship is built on commitment, both to God and each other. There will be times that you don't feel like you "love" your mate because the "feelings" are gone. But the commitment you make will keep you in the relationship until the "feeling" returns. Think about the old saying that "you act your way into a feeling, you don't feel your way into an action." That was what this couple decided to do. Now they are retired and traveling the country together, very happy and satisfied in their relationship. And yes, I guess I would add they are in love with each other. They still have their differences but they have chosen to work to resolve them. H. Norman Wright says that the real question in marriage is not whether there will be experiences of dissatisfaction, but how well you work together to resolve them. I used the word "stable" to describe their relationship because there are so many marriages today that are "unstable." With that in mind, stability seemed a good thing to me. I feel that if a marriage is stable and the couple seeks to work through periods of dissatisfaction, people will know by their actions that they truly love each other. Isn't that what the word of God teaches us? John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Ann Bales

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org