CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: “Grandparents Leave a Legacy Behind”
• PARENTING WITH FEAR AND TREMBLING IN AN AGE OF NO FEAR
  PART 10
  A PARENT’S INFLUENCE: SO FAR REACHING
  by Mikal Frazier

Norman

A legacy is defined as something acquired from the past. I'm a grandparent. I really didn’t think much about a grandparent’s role until I actually became a grandfather. As a teenager, I gave some thought to what life would be like as a husband. I even wondered what kind of father I might someday become. But I don’t recall giving a moment’s thought of my eventual role as a grandfather. I had a grandfather, but he was old and I just couldn’t imagine ever being that old, but I have become as old as he was and I’m a grandfather. I’ve been giving some serious thought about the way I’m going to transfer my legacy across two generations.

You’ve got to have some years behind you in order to leave a legacy behind. Only those who have less of life remaining than they have yet to live are qualified for the task. That means you have to deal with the question, “What kind of old person am I going to be?” When I lived in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, I met a lovely lady in her nineties. Her name was Helen Tylee. She was a German war bride from World War I. Helen was a lovely, cheerful and positive person. When I conducted her funeral service, I said, "Helen was what I want to be when I grow up." But how do you get to be an old person like Helen? Sometimes I ask myself the question, "Will I be a grumpy, cantankerous old man when I really get old?" The longer I live, the more I believe the answer to that question is, "If you want to be a cheerful person when you're old, you'd better be a cheerful person now." If I want to convey my thoughts about the legacy, I must concentrate on being a cheerful person. My grandchildren won’t pay attention if I’m grouchy.

I’ve also decided that it’s not wise to defer that task too long. I don't think I can do it the way Jacob did. The Bible says, "when his eyes were failing because of old age", Jacob instructed Joseph to bring his grandchildren to him, so he could bless them. According to Genesis 48:8, "When Israel saw the sons of Joseph, he asked, 'Who are these?'" Does that mean he didn't recognize them as the result of failing eyesight or that he didn't have a previous relationship with them. Either way, it's a little late in life to get on with the business of bestowing a legacy. Nevertheless, he did it and apparently quite successfully. My guess is that the boys knew a great deal about Jacob as the result of what they had been told about him by their father Joseph.

It really doesn't pay for us to plan on waiting that long. I need to be working on passing the legacy baton now. How do I accomplish that task? Sometime ago, I asked Ann, "How do I pass along the values that I regard as having great importance to my grandchildren?" Her answer to that was "Be yourself. If you try to be anything else, it will be unnatural and they will see right through it." That really puts the ball in my court and tells me that maybe the first thing I need to think about in terms of my legacy is the business of concentrating on my character development.

“Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor’s mind toward some resolution, which it may never find.”

(Yes, I know I have used this quote recently, but please indulge me for it is so fitting as I bring this series on parenting to a close.)

This quote comes from the 1970’s movie, I Never Sang For My Father. I highly recommend the movie. In it you will see two adult children, a brother and sister in their forties, who are still trying to come to terms with the relationships they had with their parents, particularly their father. (It could just as well have been their mother.)

In this drama, the son has spent his life staying close to home in an attempt to win his father’s acceptance and affection. You get the idea that his marriage has even failed, because he spent himself on this endeavor. The daughter has done everything to keep from staying close to home, because of her anger with this same man. She mistakenly believes that by moving across the nation she will have escaped his control and influence. That is hardly the case if because of this relationship she has reactively been driven to keep her distance. The truth is both children have suffered terribly and continue to do so into their forties and beyond because of an inadequate relationship with their father.

Mom and Dad, I want to end this series with encouragement to you to never underestimate the importance of the role you play as parent to your children. Sometimes I have someone in my office, most often a mother, who has devoted herself to her role as parent, and she may be feeling pretty worthless after she has successfully launched several children from her nest. I always let her know how much I admire what she has accomplished and examine with her what she would trade for this success. I have yet to have one parent come up with any earthly accomplishment they would trade for having raised responsible, emotionally healthy, children.

Contrary to popular opinion, no one influences our children more than we do as parents, even in their views of God. Dr. Royce Money, President of Abilene Christian University, studied research findings presented by David Lewis, et al., authors of The Gospel According to Generation X, and he is quoted in that book as saying, “These adolescents seem to reflect their parents’ private views of God as opposed to the congregational or community views of God. Teenagers mirror what their parents privately believe.” The authors go on to say, “Consequently, we are slow to say that our children are ‘drifting’ from parental values. Quite the opposite, they may be embracing and enacting them.”

On the cover of The Blessing by Gary Smalley and John Trent, we see these words: “No matter what our age, our parents’ approval affects the way we view ourselves --- and how we act with those we love most.”

The relationship one has with one’s parents is the most influential relationship of a lifetime, outside of a relationship with Jesus Christ. Parents, our parenting greatly influences our children’s choice of a mate, how they act with that mate and how our children will parent our grandchildren. Not only do they take relationship skills learned at home into their own family, they also imitate our relationship with Jesus Christ. A parent’s impact is eternally far-reaching.

As I was writing this article, Mohamed Al-Fayed (father of Dodi Al- Fayed, fiance’ of Princess Di) was being interviewed in a television documentary. He was asked if he had any regrets about his relationship with his son. He solemnly answered affirmatively. The goal of these articles has been to offer some assistance to those who are actively involved in parenting in the present. If your children are already grown, and you do have some regrets, join the crowd. In no way would I want these articles to cause you grief. As our children move into adulthood, they do have their own choices to make. And the good news is that it does ultimately become their responsibility, in spite of our parenting, as to how they respond to the love of Jesus Christ. Though none of us are perfect parents, we do have a perfect savior.

If you are a parent who needs to mend a relationship with a child, be willing to bear the responsibility for the healing of that relationship. Remember Jesus went to the cross to heal our relationship with the Father. Do not become defensive. Accept your child’s perspective. Keep the avenues of connection open as far as it is within your power. Turn loose of what you believe is fair.

If you are an adult child who is seeking repair in your relationship with your parent, begin researching your parent. Go and spend time with your parent. Find out what your parent’s experience of his/her own childhood was. If there are other living relatives, go to them and find out what you can.

Find out things like:

Who was your favorite aunt, uncle, grandparent? Why?
What were the holidays like?
What influence did the “Great Depression” have in your family or your parents’ family?
What about the war - any war?
What do you think your mother or father was most afraid of? (This is in reference to your grandparents.)
What did you mother or father think was most important?
Who was the disciplinarian in your family?
What made them happy?
What made them sad?
What are you earliest memories?
What would your mother or father want to say to you today?
What makes you angriest about your childhood? (Remember you are finding this out about your parents.)
Take your time. It may take many visits to learn about your parents. Any new information will be helpful.

Find out all you can. Get to know them in a way you have never known them before. This can be so healing. You will come closer to an understanding and acceptance of who they are. Family therapist Donald Williamson says in The Intimacy Paradox, “One cannot come to feel, in the last resort, better about oneself than he feels about his parents.” Perhaps more appropriately would be as we learn about our parents and forgive them, we can then forgive ourselves, and come to a greater level of acceptance for all.

Looking again at Smalley and Trent’s The Blessing, the authors remind us that God ultimately gives the perfect blessing, perfect parenting, and this gift is available for all.

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org