CONTENTS
JUST VISITING
On the heels of that tragedy came a different and less publicized report. The second news story is much more likely to negatively impact our lives than the one that dominated the evening news on July 25. According to an Associated Press report, in 1997, for the first time ever, the number of unmarried couples living together in the United States topped 4 million. According to the same source, in 1960 fewer than half a million couples lived together outside of marriage. I'm not suggesting that marriage is going out of style, but there's a clear and definite erosion of our respect for marriage and that is a tragedy that does not bode well for the happiness of the couples involved, the stability of the children born within those living arrangements or strength of our homes in general. In previous newsletters we have documented the fact that living together before marriage does not improve the chances for marital success. In fact, the very opposite is true. See article on test driving marriage See also article on premarital sex.The current trend reminds me of an off the cuff remark I heard from a friend. He said, "I'm not sure where we're headed, but I don't think we're going to like it when we get there."
On a much more positive note, Ann and I enjoyed a remarkable week in Danvillle, Illinois where we shared perspectives on the family for five successive nights. One of our sessions dealt with grandparents. This week's feature article is taken from our grandparent's session.
Norman
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SPOILING GRANDCHILDREN IS A GOOD THING
When David had pretty well secured his position as King of Israel, he began to look around for descendants of Saul. Finally, he learned that Mephibosheth, Saul's grandson, son of his late friend Jonathan, was still alive. In 2 Samuel 9:7, he said to Mephibosheth, "I will show you kindness for the sake of your father, Jonathan. I will restore all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul and you will always eat at my table." Saul wasn't there to show kindness to his grandson. David did it for him. Did David spoil him? I don't know if you could call it that, but the kindness he showed was a good thing.
I would suggest that we have no greater blessing as grandparents than the opportunity to be sowers of the seeds of kindness. If we show kindness, somebody's going to say, "But you're spoiling your grandchildren." I plead guilty, but I'm also sympathetic to young parents. They guard their territory and sometimes regard overindulgent grandparents as a threat to their program of discipline. They don't want interference from grandparents and we need to respect that. One of their fears is that if the grandchildren spend too many days at grandmas' house, by the time they get back home they will have totally lost control of their children.
From a grandparent's perspective, we need to stop worrying about whether or not we are going to spoil our grandchildren. We are. John Rosemond, in an article, which appeared in Better Homes and Gardens in December 1996 said, "I'm convinced it is as proper for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren as it is completely improper for their parents to do so." He told his son and his sons' wife, "It's our job to always spoil our grandson; its your job never to spoil him. We'll have no problems if we don't try to do one another's job." Then he goes on to describe how he handles that with the grandchildren. He says when the grandchildren come, he tells them, "You're taking a vacation from Mom and Dad's rules, but you have to understand that when the visit is over, the vacation is over." We're not talking about allowing the grandchildren to do anything that's immoral, ungodly, or potentially damaging. But staying up an extra hour past one's usual bedtime is probably not going to put a kid in the hospital.
When our granddaughter was about three, we went to visit them. Not too long after we arrived, she came to me and said, "Grandy, I need a hamburger and french fries." Audrey got her hamburger and french fries and just about as often as she wanted them. Her parents wouldn't do that and shouldn't, but that's a grandparent's privilege.
We spent some time this past weekend with our step-grandson. At one point during the visit, he asked to whisper a secret in my ear. The secret was actually a request. He wanted me to buy a toy for him. When I announced that he and I would be making a visit to the toy store, my daughter said, "Dad, he's got more toys than he knows what to do with." I echoed John Rosemond's thoughts. "It's my job to spoil him; it's your job not to."
The other day Ann and I were talking about how we observed my father spoiling our children. My youngest was 10 years old and Daddy let him drive his pickup. It turned out to be a disaster, because Gary, being inexperienced, turned too wide. Daddy grabbed the steering wheel and took out a wall on one side of his house. He was a carpenter by trade, so it wasn't too big a deal to fix it. He even laughed about it. As parents, we didn't laugh. Well, maybe we did but it wasn't for a long time after the event. I've tried to imagine what might have happened if I had crashed into the side of the house with the family car during my adolescent years. I wasn't even allowed to drive even though I was old enough to get a license. When I did get a license, my driving was monitored closely. When I eventually had a wreck, I was made to feel only slightly better than a criminal and I didn't drive for a very long time. Yet the same man who wouldn't trust me behind the wheel of a car thought nothing of turning the operation of a vehice over to a child who couldn't really see out the windshield. Such are the inconsistencies when we make the jump from parenthood to grandparenthood.
When Donald and Bea Campbell wrote on the subject of grandparenting, they said, "Perhaps the greatest gift we can offer our precious grandchildren is the gift of time." I don't see my grandchildren very often, but I do special things with them when I do. I'm not a great fisherman. As a matter of fact, I haven't been fishing sense my grandchildren visited us last summer and I took them fishing. But I take them fishing every time they come. They think I'm the world's greatest fisherman. I just about proved that last summer, when Audrey, now my eleven-year-old granddaughter, landed a huge channel cat. She's probably hooked on fishing for a lifetime and it's all because of her grandfather.
About three years ago, they were living in California. My son's in the army and was an instructor at the National Training Center in the Mojave Desert. It was not their favorite assignment. We got a deal on an airplane flight and Ann spent nearly two weeks in California. Their parents were busy with things that were going on, but Ann had time to play games, share experiences and listen to the grandchildren's stories. Experiences like that pay rich dividends.
I don't think I fit the mold of the typical grandfather. I'm not old (at least by my defintion of old). I'm not retired and I'm not even thinking about it. I seldom see my grandchildren. That makes it doubly important to make the most profitable use of the time we do have together. As a grandparent, one of my goals is to communicate my love for them. Spoiling grandchildren within the limits of prudence is one way to accomplish that.
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org