CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: “Scary Marriages Among Church People”
• GUEST ARTICLE: “I Have A Girlfriend And My Wife Knows…"
  By Eddie Randolph, D. Min.

Life isn't always predictable. The day before I sat down to put this week's newsletter together I sat out with a plan. Ann's sister is undergoing surgery today (August 5) and she wanted to spend a few days with her. We drove to her sister's home on Monday. I had planned to leave early the next day, so I that I could get back in the office and take care of some of my duties, such as composing the newsletter. I did not count on having car trouble. After a great deal frustration and considerable expense, I'm finally back in my office doing what I planned to do, but not at the time I had planned to do it. A part of family living is learning to cope with unplanned interruptions. Perhaps we'll write something on that in the future. How well do you function when all of your carefully laid plans are set aside by circumstances? It might give you some insights into the stability of your family relationships.

For some time the message board on our Website has been down. We understand that it is operating again. If you would like to go there and interact with others about issues that affect family, you can go to our web site http://www.allaboutfamilies.org and click on "Message Board" to find this feature.

Our guest article is written by Dr. Eddie Randolph of Columbia, Missouri. Eddie was my co-worker at Southern Hills until just a week and a half ago. He is a highly respected friend, a top notch scholar, a witty person and a helpful colleague. He has accepted a pulpit in Columbia at a congregation near the University of Missouri. Eddie writes about a very special relationship with his daugther, Anna. Recently Ann and I attended a Shreveport Symphony concert. On our way to our seats, we passed by Eddie and Anna. There is still hope for culture when you can see a thirty something father and his daughter in attendance at the symphony. It was obviously a dress up occasion for both of them. They were on one of their "dates." But I'll let Eddie tell you about that. As I read his article, I recalled some special times with "my favorite daughter." (We have three boys and one daughter). I think he lays out an important challenge for fathers. Eddie left behind several family related articles. We hope to share them with you in the future.

Norman

Recently, I received a query from a reader who wrote, "In our church the married people appear so scary, imbalanced and dysfunctional most of the time." She asks me to comment. Having been around church going folk all my life, I would have to agree that some of the married people are indeed "scary, imbalanced and dysfunctional." I might disagree with her about the percentages, but I also will admit that I am so anxious to believe good things about the folks I assemble with on a regular basis that I might be guilty of looking past their shortcomings.

If you read the previous paragraph carefully, you will notice that I did not use the word "Christian." I spoke of "church going folk" and "the folks I assemble with." The people I described may be Christians, but it is also possible that they are not. Only God knows for sure. A friend of mine used to say, "Sitting in a church house doesn't make you a Christian any more than sitting in a hen house makes you a chicken."

It's possible that those "scary married people" aren't Christians at all. The Bible does have some things to say about the fruit of the Spirit. "The fruit if the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control" (Galatians 5:22-23). You would expect to find some degree of those qualities in a husband and wife if they are genuine Christians. Occasionally, I hear someone say, "I know a certain married couple. Both of them are deeply devoted to God, but they can't stand each other." I'm afraid I don't buy that rationale. According to 1 John 4:20-21, "If anyone says 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen." John was talking about church relationships but surely the principle applies to husbands and wives.

I don't know any of those people about whom the questioner writes, but I recognize the possibility that some may genuinely qualify as Christians who haven't grown in grace and knowledge the way they should have. Christians differ from each other in terms of maturity and spiritual development. Patience needs to be expressed toward those who are still on the upward climb.

Some people fail to recognize the fact that religious activity doesn't cancel out the need for relationship improvement. Reading the Bible, saying prayers, attending church and being involved in church ministry are all admirable activities, but you can do all those things and have a horrible marriage if you don't make relationships a priority. If you are truly submitted to Christ, you will be submitted to each other and that includes both husband and wife. No one is bypassed in Ephesians 5:21 "Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ." Christ-like people don't go to war over who has to submit.

Whether we are defining roles, resolving conflict or struggling with our sense of identity, God calls on us to recognize one fundamental truth. We show our love for him in the way we treat each other.

by Eddie Randolph, D. Min.

erandolph1@aol.com

I have a girlfriend and my wife knows. Really, she does. My girlfriend and I go out on dates just so we can spend some time together. Let me tell you about her. She is tall, slim, and blond. Her big blue eyes are only matched in beauty by her bright smile. On top of all, she is incredibly bright and ... she's my daughter.

Since she was about three, Ana and I have gone out on dates. Sometimes it's just a movie. Sometimes it's just dinner. Sometimes it's both. Sometimes we dress up (that's always a head turner at the restaurant). Sometimes we dress down. She even still lets me carry her down the mall like a mermaid. Of course, I am required to open the doors for her, seat her at the dinner table, and mind my manners.

Now that my wife and I have three young ones, dating is practiced with the whole lot of them. I have dates with my sons, too. These times are just as wonderful and personal, but take on unique, very "boy" features! My wife gets into the act, too, with her special dates with the kids.

This has become a special activity in our family. It allows us as parents to talk, play, and simply get to know each of our children as individuals. They can tell their stories without being interrupted by siblings demanding equal time and equal attention simultaneously. It works and is simply a matter of taking the time.

George Barna states that time is the "money" in our society. "Time," Barna says, "is the one resource which we cannot manufacture. It is a non-renewable resource which limits our ability to experience all we can." 1 With all the commitments and responsibilities crying for our time, priorities have to be set, especially with something as valuable as one's family.

To paraphrase Jesus, "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own family?" Make some memories. Spend some time. You won't regret it.

1 George Barna, The Frog in the Kettle (Ventura, CA: Regal, 1990), 39.

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If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org