CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 1
  COMMITMENT THE FOUNDATION OF RELATIONSHIPS
  
• THE COST OF AN UNFORGIVING SPIRIT
  by Mikal Frazier MA, MMFT, LMFT, LPC

The recent revelation of "inappropriate behavior" by the president of the United States has brought the subject of infidelity to the forefront. We have decided to discuss the subject in detail in the next several issues. We will leave others to express opinions concerning the president and his future. Ann and I have worked through the issues of infidelity on a person erlevel. We found healing in God's love and mercy. It was out of the experience of healing that we made the decision to share our story and our insights. A few years ago, we developed a seminar program called "Mending a Messed Up Marriage." We are in the process of changing our program title to "Presciption for a Healthy Marriage." A positive approach has greater appeal than a negative approach.

Bits and pieces of our perspectives on marriage, infidelity, recovery and prevention have been discussed in previous issues. Beginning today we're going to back up to square one and discuss the entire subject from beginning to end. Regular readers will recognize some overlap from previous material, but much of our material has not been posted in this form. During the course of the series, we will tell our story, but our story is only intended as a backdrop for the discussion of concepts, priniciples, ideals and practical suggestions.Be sure to read Mikal's article on the unforgiving spirit. Most of us could eliminate a lot of grief in our lives if we would heed the message in her article.

Good news. We passed the 3000 mark in subscribers. This issue goes out 3009 addresses.

Norman

PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 1

COMMITMENT THE FOUNDATION OF RELATIONSHIPS

By Norman snd Ann Bales

We are addressing this subject because several years ago, we had a floundering marriage on our hands. Both of us were raised in the church. Both of us had a strong commitment to the Christian faith. Both of us wanted to please God. Even so, we came to the realization that our marriage was in deep trouble. How deep? We were never separated. We never called lawyers, but our marriage was definitely very

We decided work hard to heal our marriage. We wanted more out of our marriage than keeping it together just for the sake of the kids. We wanted more than just the patience to tolerate one other. We wanted a lasting, mutually fulfilling, emotionally satisfying relationship. We believe we have that and we have enjoyed it for a number of years. By the grace of God, our marriage rose from the depth of despair to the ecstasy of delight.

What we have learned in our long journey from breakdown to bliss is worth sharing. Some who read these lines may feel the enormous pain of an imperiled marriage. Maybe you're like we were more than twenty-five years ago. Your marriage is in peril. Perhaps you're separated from your spouse and facing indecision about whether or not you will divorce. Maybe, there's no immediate peril, but your marriage isn't everything you would like for it to be. Maybe you have a wonderful marriage in which you both give one another enormous amounts of attention, affection and empathy. Or maybe you're single and thinking you may be married someday. Whether your need is for healing, for prevention for improvement or preparation (and we think most people fall info one of those categories) we hope to touch on issues and concerns that will help strengthen you as a person and improve your marriage.

Our understanding of marriage is rooted in a Biblical foundation. When we were married on December 26, 1959, we exchanged the following vows:

I come to you to be your husband/wife according to God's holy ordinance, and take you to be my wife/husband to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to love you for richer for poorer, in sickness as inwe health and to keep myself pure for your sake until death do us part.

Recently, Norman talked with a man who lives in an open relationship with a woman. When a discussed the need for marriage, he said in a defiant tone, "That doesn't mean a thing." We take issue with his conclusion. A marriage license is not just "some ink stains on some lines" as John Hartford suggested in "Gentle on my Mind" the 1960s song that offered an emotional rationale for living out of wedlock. In those few moments that we stand before a minister or a justice of the peace or other legally empowered officiant , we make solemn verbal pledges to one another for a lifetime. We should never take those statements lightly.

Many do bail out, however, because they "didn't know it was going to be like this." But do we really listen to the vows? Disappointment is anticipated. We use expressions like "for better or worse." That commitment cannot be honorably revoked if the wife later finds out her husband is not always the loving, caring leader of the family she wants him to be, or if the husband subsequently learns that his wife has become a sloppy housekeeper, overweight and unattractive.

God designed us to live with each other as husband and wife in a monogamous relationship throughout our mutual lifetimes. One of God's earliest commands calls upon "a man to leave his father and mother and be united to his wife" (Genesis 2:24). Jesus taught "What God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6). Biblically speaking, sexual intimacy is confined to the marriage relationship ( I Corinthians 7:2). Because our culture has traditionally honored Judeo-Christian moral values, the most successful marriages in our society are those in which both marriage partners are chaste when they marry. The Bible condemns extra marital sexual involvement (Hebrews 13:4), and the accepted norms of behavior in virtually every culture known to us agrees that infidelity is harmful to human relationships and to the orderly progress of society.

Although the defenders of monogamous fidelity are caricatured as fanatics of the religious right, many secular students of marriage come down hard on the practice of infidelity. Dr. Laura Schlessenger is well known for her outspoken views on her call-in radio show In her book, Ten Stupid Things that Women Do, she noted the results of a survey among 13,000 adults. According to the survey, those who cohabit prior to marriage are one third more likely to separate or divorce within a decade. Dr. Frank Pittman, a therapist in Atlanta. in his book Private Lies, he says that adultery is wrong because it is a breach of trust. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, from Yale, makes no judgment about whether affairs within themselves are good or bad, nevertheless she says, that "I have never known a prolonged affair to do anything but undermine a couple's efforts to seriously address the intimacy deficits in their relationship." (After the Affair p. 64). None of these authors could even come close to being described as evangelical Christians and most certainly are no part of the so-called "fanatical religious right," yet they speak with a unified voice against the practice of adultery. In our call for fideltiy, we appeal first and foremost to the Word of God, but responsible therapists are in agreement.

"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers until he should pay back all he owed."

The King James Version states verse 34 this way: "And the lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due to him."

Commentaries suggest the word "tormentor" in the King James to likely mean something more akin to "jailers" in the New International Version. If the term "tormentors" really means tormentors, then the man who refused to forgive the debt would have suffered the fate of having his limbs stretched, pinching of his flesh, having his eyes put out or removing his skin while he was alive (Barnes Notes on the New Testament). Most believe he was turned over to the jailers and put in prison. Either fate is most undesirable.

When we have a difficult time forgiving, or refuse to forgive, we ourselves are "handed over" to our own torment. Science now has some answers concerning the cost of an unforgiving spirit. Dr. Paul Meier says in Happiness Is A Choice for Teens, "Without exception, every single thing you do and every single thought you think and absolutely every feeling you feel are all governed by chemicals that the body either makes or absorbs. And the most important of these many chemicals in your body is a brain amine named serotonin. 'Brain Juice.'" Besides determining motivation, sex drive, memory, and concentration in any area, serotonin also "directly controls how happy you feel" (Dr. Meier).

To help you understand a little more about the importance of this substance, think of all the notoriety given to medical antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Paxill. The specific purpose of these medications is to raise the level of serotonin in your brain.

Refusing to forgive DEPLETES YOUR BODY OF THIS AMAZING CHEMICAL, SEROTONIN OR "BRAIN JUICE." Dr. Meier says that in the clinics scattered throughout North America in which he is a partner, literally thousands are treated for depression every year. Dr. Meier says 90 per cent of these cases of depression are caused by holding grudges against God, self and others. The victims tormented by this depression have had their serotonin levels diminished by holding these grudges and refusing to forgive.

Other researchers tells us that refusing to forgive suppresses the immune system. Robin Casarjian in her book Forgiveness. reports on the findings of Dr. O. Carl Simonton and Stephanie Matthews-Simonton. These pioneers "first identified a key psychological trait of those prone to cancer as "a tendency to hold resentment and a marked inability to forgive."

Dr. Sandra Levy, Director of Behavioral Medicine in Oncology at the Pittsburgh Cancer Institute found love, forgiveness and joy can be our most potent medicine against breast cancer. She reports, "A sense of joy was the most important predictor of positive outcome of breast cancer among women. A sense of joy was even more powerful than the number and location of metastatic sites."

Other research reported by Casarjian finds that the most important thing you can do to reduce your risk of coronary disease is to reduce your anger and hostility. Forgive!

This is the real tragedy of the unforgiving spirit. Unforgiveness breaks connection in relationships. It divides us and separates us. And in the end it separates us from God.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

(Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She and her husband, Jim have three adult children and two grandchildren, whom they will gladly tell you about if you ask. Actually you don't even have to ask.)

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org