CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 2
  FOUR CONCEPTS OF COMMITMENT
  
• BOOK REVIEW A Father's Tears

Computers are wonderful tools most of the time. Unfortunately, they can be temperamental some of the time and that was the case last week. Everyone on our list received the mailing at least twice. Some received the mailing many more times than that.

Allow me to explain how our newsletter gets to you. We compose the newsletter in Shreveport, Louisiana. We then send a single copy to Listserve at Abilene Christian University in Abilene, Texas. The Listserv software enables our newsletter to go out all over the world. The folks at Abilene Christian have bent over backwards to be accomodating. I am deeply indebted to Tom Dolan for keeping us up and running. At one point we could only get the newsletter to you by e-mailing it to Tom and he would then manually send the newsletter for us. Please don't get angry with Tom. He goes above and beyond the call of duty.

I asked Tom why our readers got at least two issues last week. By the way I got two copies myself. Tom said, "Well, the system hiccuped," which means it did something it wasn't supposed to do and we don't know why. If you got more than two, the problem was somewhere in the internet and none of us know how to explain it. Tom tells me that ACU is purchasing some new software that theoretically will not "hiccup" and send double mailings. It should be in place in about two weeks.

In this week's issue we resume our ongoing series concering a "Prescription for a Healthy" marriage. I would encourage you to read the review of Bob Stacy's book, A Father's Tears which deals with the death of a child.

Norman

Prescription for a Healthy Marriage # 2

FOUR CONCEPTS OF COMMITMENT

By Norman snd Ann Bales

Last week we talked about the importance of commitment. We noted the fact that the Bible and responsible contemporary therapists are in substantial agreement. Fidelity is essential to successful marriage. Today we are going to take a closer look at four basic concepts of commitment.

1. The concept of covenant. We introduced the concept of covenant in last weeks installment. We want to expand on those thoughts. You hear a lot today about "the marriage contract." That sends a cold chill right down my spine, because marriage is not a contract. It's a covenant. The prophet Malachi talks to people who are smarting from God's rejection of their offerings. He tells them why God isn't responding to them. Some of it has to do with their atttiude toward marriage. He says in 2:14 "It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant."

   Biblical covenants involved

   • an agreement between two parties
   • an oath making it a binding agreement
   • some kind of ceremony to observe the occasion of the agreement
   • symbols showing the agreement had been made (in Western culture the wedding ring is such a symbol)
   • rehersal of blessings and cursings associated with the agreement
   • a pledge of protection and fidelity to the covenanting parties.

   Clearly marriage is a covenant in which responsibilities far exceed the terms of a legal contract.

2. The concept of respect. Peter addresses this principle in 1 Peter 3. He talks about a wife who lives with an unbelieving husband. He tells her that she may win her husband over if she treats him with respect. But Peter also speaks to a believing husband. He says in verse 7, "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." In subsequent episodes we will tell our story. We will share, in a frank manner, how our covenant was violated and rebuilt.

3. The Biblical Concept of Submission. Many people misunderstand the concept of submission. They assume that submission is always the wife's obligation and hers alone. We are going to propose that submission is the responsibility of both parties.

   Right at this point, we need to share a basic principle that we're going to work with throughout this series. We actually have only a limited number of Biblical texts which deal specifically with families. There is a much larger volume of Biblical material on human relationships. These relationship principles apply in our dealings with fellow Christians, fellow workers and friends. They also apply to the family relationships. For example, in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, Paul describes love this way, " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Was Paul talking specifically to families? Obviously it's much broader than that. Does it apply to families? Absolutely.

   I want to suggest that the same thing is true concerning the subject of submission. Most of us are familiar with Paul's statement in Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." As you examine the succeeding verses, it's very clear that Paul is establishing headship for the husband. But that doesn't tell the whole story. Paul prefaced his discussion of wives being in submission with this thought in Ephesians 5:21 " Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." That verse says every one who has reverence for Christ submits to everyone else. That's mutual submission. Does it apply to a husband and wife? If they're both Christians, why wouldn't it apply? You simply cannot build a healthy marriage unless both partners learn to develop submissive hearts - hearts that are first yielded to Jesus Christ and then to one another.

4. The concept of affirmation. Again we reiterate our premise that New Testament teaching about relationships in general applies to the family as much as it does to other relationships. Affirmation is a Biblical principle often neglected in human relationship.

   Norman once received a compliment from a fellow who seemed to pride himself on the fact that he praised others only on the rarest of occasions. Perhaps he thought rationing appreciation would guarantee to keep his compliment reservoir filled. That way he would never run out of potential affirmative statements, if the occasion required him to offer one. We've never heard of anyone being stricken with a severe illness as the result of giving too much praise to others. The government won't run an audit on your congratulations account and you won't be arrested for being too generous in your verbal evaluation of other people. So why would anybody think that giving honest praise is more threatening than a visit to an oral surgeon?

   Married couples are often the worst offenders. A wife prepares her husband's favorite food, which he consumes night after night without comment. We've heard wives say they really wondered if their husbands would ever notice the difference if they served shoe leather. A husband puts in eight hours of toil with people yelling at him and making all kinds of unreasonable demands. In exchange for his honest labor, he dutifully brings home a pay check every week but he never hears his wife say, "Honey, I really appreciate how hard you work to make us a living."

   (Comment by Norman "As I was preparing this section of the manuscript, Ann brought a soft drink to my desk and set it down beside my keyboard. I was so engrossed in telling the readers about the importance of affirming our marriage partners that I forgot to express appreciation for her unselfish act. I've decided that we have to work at this aspect of relationship building all the time. Even when you're sensitive to it, you'll get trapped by your own self-absorption.")

   Human relations in general, and marriage in particular, would be improved drastically if we would learn to express appreciation more often.

   Paul put it this way in Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. " People who practice that know how to get along with one another and enjoy the time they spend together on this earth.

Although this story is told in an economy of words, Bob Stacy has written a significant book concerning the death of a child. Of all life's potential calamities, the loss of a child has to rank as one of the most devastating. We are prepared to lose grandparents, parents and even spouses, but we never prepare for the death of a child. It seems contrary to the nature of things and our minds will not allow us to entertain that possibility, yet it happens. It happened to Bob and Nell Stacy. Five months after giving birth to her third child, Rhonda McAllister, their thirty year old daughter was stricken with a fatal illness. Stacy allows the reader to witness his raw emotions. He says, "At first grief wears a kind face, for grief begins with shock and numbness. It almost comes with a soothing effect, which says, "We'll make it." Later he notes, "Grief may be kind for those first few hours when numbness overcomes one. But grief soon shows its other face, and it is no longer kind at all."

I'm reluctant to admit my fascination with books that relate grief stories. Among those that have impressed me profoundly are A Grief Observed, by C. S. Lewis and A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. Both those books described the raw emotions the authors felt when they lost their spouses. Stacy let's us see the emotions of a man who had to cope with the loss of a child. I feel like I'm looking into the world of private emotions, yet it is clear that all three authors want us to see their private emotions and I'm fascinated by their courage and the way they cope.

Bob Stacy begins his story at the Trauma Center of Bronson Methodist Hospital in Kalamazoo, Michigan. He traces the events from that point, through the time of the funeral and ends with a post script giving us insight into the lives of the people involved six years after the tragic event. Interspersed between these moments of intensity, the author breaks the tension with flashbacks to Rhonda's childhood. The reader finds the flashback a welcome relief and even feels entertained by them.

We would probably claim too much for the book if we were to say that it prepares parents for the possibility of losing a child. I don't think there's any resource that can accomplish that. It does, however provide some insight to those who would give comfort to someone who has just lost a child. The author reminds us "Words of love and precious memories do comfort." Sometimes we hesitate to talk with those who've lost their loved ones about those who are gone because we don't want to remind them of their grief. Stacy says, "We never needed any reminders. It was always there seemingly lurking right on the edge of our consciousness. I wanted to talk about Rhonda. I wanted people to ask what had happened, how we felt and what we were going to do now. As I write, six years have elapsed since that painful October day, and I still appreciate those who want to talk with us about Rhonda."

It has been said that folks in the twenties often talked about death and never talked about sex and that folks in the nineties talk about sex and never talk about death. Death touches every human life. It is important for us to try to know more about it. Rubbing shoulders with those who have acutely felt it's sting serves to enlarge our appreciation for life. In this respect Bob Stacy has done us a great service.

His e-mail address is "Robert D. Stacy" rstacy@cccb.edu

Norman Bales
Shreveport, Louisiana

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org