CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 4
  OUR STORY-PART ONE
  
• THE FOLLY OF FEELINGS
  by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

After the church service last Sunday night, a lady spoke to me about love. She said, "I really don't want to love ministers. They come and I become attached to them. Then they leave and I feel pain." Perhaps ministers should think twice before leaving folks like that, but I think she put her finger right on the essence of love. Love requires risk. Love requires exposing our feelings. To love is to make yourself vulnerable. The time will come when love will hurt. It happens in the very best of marriages. It especially happens in the best marriages, because one spouse dies, leaving the other one with the painful experience of grieving.

But is it worth it? Oh, you'd better believe it is. To love and be loved is the most satisfying experience known to humankind. It's worth every risk and the inevitable pain that comes to us as the consequence of having loved. Alfred Lord Tennyson summed it up rather well, "'Tis better to have loved and lost/Than never to have loved at all."

In our continuing series titled "Prescription for a Healthy Marriage," we move into the phase in which we tell our story. It's a story of risk, love, pain, loss and rebuilding. It will take us three weeks to tell it, but we hope it offers hope to those who fear the pain of rebuilding

Norman

Prescription for a Healthy Marriage # 4

OUR STORY - PART ONE

By Norman snd Ann Bales

(Previous articles in this series are archived at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org)

How does a marriage get off track? Marriage usually starts off with high hopes and aspirations, but sometimes those hopes are dashed by disillusionment. Just as the bride's bouquet wilts and fades, so do the visions of living "happily ever after." At point A in the relationship, husband and wife view one another as the answer to each other's prayers. At point B, they see each other as enemies. What happens in between. Our story has run the gamut from hope, to despair, to reconstruction. Before we go any farther in our continuing series, you deserve to know our story.

OUR FAMILY BACKGROUNDS

We come from similar socio-economic, cultural, educational and religious backgrounds. Our families were both poor. Our parents grew up farming and surviving as best they could by living off the land. They both established families during the Depression years.

Ann's Family

Ann parents married much earlier than Norman's. Her Dad was almost 19 and her Mom was almost 20 when they married in 1927. For the first few years of marriage they farmed. Then her father got a job working at the Universal Atlas Cement Company about 15 miles from Waco, Texas where they lived. He made fifty cents a day.

Ann recalls the influence of her parents

Daddy had limited education. He went through the eighth grade; my mother the sixth. That made no difference to them. Daddy was quite intelligent, a self-educated man, who was able to climb the corporate ladder and ultimately achieve a position normally held college graduates, some with master's degrees. He died at age 55 from a massive myocardial infarction. My mother was always a homemaker. As a young girl she was required to work in the fields and take care of the farm animals. She even did that after their marriage until they moved into town. She was not book educated, but she insisted that we all study and she learned with us. Both my parents grew up with Christian teaching. My paternal grandmother was a member of the Church of Christ. My grandfather was what we called, a reprobate. I always thought he must be the devil and was very afraid of him. But my grandmother was a saint. I still remember her reading the Bible and going to church with her. That was after my Grandpa Williams died. He wouldn't allow her to go when he was alive. Maternally, my ties in the Church of Christ go back at least five generations. I grew up going to church with my family.

Norman's family

Norman's father and mother married when they were in their late twenties. Norman was to be their only child. When Norman was born, his father was a sharecropper in Central Texas. At the beginning of II, they moved to Clyde, a small community near Abilene, Texas. Norman's father went there to help build Camp Barkeley - a World War II army base. From then on, he alternated between farming and construction work.

Norman recalls the influence of his family.

On the day I was born, Daddy told everyone that I was going to become a preacher. His family roots in the Churches of Christ also could be traced by several generations. My mother grew up as a Methodist, but affiliated herself with the Churches of Christ shortly after their marriage. Daddy completed the ninth grade and took some business courses thereafter. Mama was the valedictorian of her high school class and was offered a scholarship by the University of Texas, which she was not allowed to accept. Instead, she went to Fort Worth, where she entered and graduated from Brantley-Draughon's Business College. She found employment as a secretary and stenographer, but lost her job with the onset of the Great Depression. She returned to Hico, the small town, where she was raised. There she met my father, a young bachelor farmer. Usually, they drove to Hico to attend church, but sometimes, it was hard to come up with gas money for the trip. Daddy obtained permission to conduct services once a month in a nearby country school. He preached on Sunday and farmed during the week.

DIFFERENCES IN OUR BACKGROUND: BIRTH AND CHILDHOOD

Ann reflects on her early years

I am the third of four children. I have two older sisters and a younger brother. We were a very close and loving family, never afraid to outwardly show affection. My parents were my best friends. We had family get-togethers on a regular basis and it was always a big affair. This lasted a long time for me because I was the last sibling to leave home. During my later teen years, I went through a rebellious stage: testing the limits, stepping out of the "spiritual boundaries" I had grown up in and what I considered 'walking on the wild side'. When Norman and I met, I was going to bars, smoking three packs of cigarettes a day and living it up. But I was miserable, because I knew what that kind of life led to at the end.

Norman reflects on his early years.

I was an only child and we were not given to lavish expressions of affection. You could probably describe my father as a "controller." When I was twelve years of age, our family dynamics underwent a radical change. As I prepared to go to school one morning, I noticed something very different and disturbing about my mother's behavior. That was the beginning of a pattern of irrationality that plagued her at various intervals throughout the rest of her life. As a result, my primary parental influence from that point on, was my father. I knew nothing about how women were supposed to be treated and less about the open show of affection.

I never went through a rebellious stage the way Ann did. I guess you could say I was a "straight arrow." I didn't test the limits because I feared the consequences.

MOTIVATION FOR MARRIAGE

Ann dated many different young men before she married Norman. Norman had limited dating experience and mostly with younger women. Norman had been influenced by many older women in the church he attended during his adolescence. As he began to think in terms of marriage, he saw these ladies as the model of Christian womanhood.

Ann's Comments

Somehow, he thought he saw that in me. He didn't know about my "wild" side at first . As for me, I was looking for a preacher. Since the age of three I had told everyone. 'When I grow up I'm going to be a nurse and marry a preacher.'" When I met Norman my life-style was not very well tuned to the standards of Christ. I needed someone to save me and I thought Norman would do that. As a minister's wife I would have to 'get my act together.' I had one small problem with this plan, however. The first time I met him, we both attended the dedication service for a new church building in Cameron, Texas. He was asked to direct congregational singing for the event. During the service, my aunt leaned over and made the comment, 'He really can sing.' To which I replied, "Yes, but who could stand to look at him." Later when we started dating I felt that he really needed me to polish him up and help him be a great preacher.

Norman's Comments

Well, I'm glad I survived that initial inspection. Quite obviously, I didn't make a terrific first impression. But there's another side to the story. Ann claims we met that day. I don't remember meeting her until a year later, when a mutual friend introduced us to each other. Even then, I wasn't exactly overwhelmed. I thought she was a shy, introverted wallflower, who never had much to say - certainly not the kind of person I envisioned as a wife. Did I ever misjudge her. I'm the quiet one in this relationship and I'm not noted for introversion. First impressions aren't always lasting impressions.

On December 26, 1959 at the LaVega Church of Christ in Waco, Texas we were married. We had wonderful traditional music, a beautiful wedding ceremony, cake, punch, and all the things you're supposed to have at a wedding. We rushed away under a shower of rice and started our life together, but you'll have to wait to hear the rest of the story.

THE FOLLY OF FEELINGS

"Grab your 'wanter' by your 'willer' and make yourself do what you know you ought to do, and God will help you do it." (Paul Faulkner in Making Things Right When Things Go Wrong)

At least ten years ago I read an article, which stated: "Japan is now experiencing its first generation which believes life is to be enjoyed." The writer was commenting on the desire of that new generation to make the pursuit of pleasure a primary component in its decision-making about how to live. I remember thinking that we in America had come to that conclusion quite a few years before the Japanese. Certainly no one would argue the fact that the striking changes our nation underwent as a society in the 1960's were driven by just such a pursuit, an "if-it-feels-good-do- it" philosophy. As a result we saw divorce rates skyrocket, more babies conceived out of wedlock, devastating pain inflicted on one another and now we see the tragedy of the father's sins visited on the children to the third and fourth generation.

There are many models of the human brain ranging from simple to most complex. A very simple model describes what some have termed the triune brain. The triune brain is made up of three basic parts. First there is the most primitive part of the brain, sometimes termed the reptilian brain. It is the seat of automatic behavior, instinct and reflex actions, processes that have to do with survival. Then there is the part called the mammalian brain and it is the seat of our emotions. It determines whether a certain behavior or situation is pleasurable or painful. Then there is the neo cortex which has to do with our intellect, our logic and reason.

Dr. Ken Magid who has written a book entitled High Risk Kids Without a Conscience, calls the neocortex the muscle part of the brain. For children who have suffered severe trauma and continue acting out that trauma toward others, he recommends talking to them about the muscle part of their brain. He wants to help them understand that they have certain feelings and urges, but they can use their intellect, the thinking part of their brain to make decisions to override the rest of their brain. This is what Dr. Faulkner was referring to when the said, "Grab your 'wanter' by your 'willer' and make yourself do what you know you ought to do, and God will help you do it."

This is the struggle Paul described in Romans 7. In verse 22, he says, "For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a priosoner of the law of sin at work within my members." It is our human dilemma. It is this dilemma which brings people into my office. Either they are struggling with it themselves or they are the victim of someone who has made poor choices in this struggle.

Life is not about what we want to do. Life is about choosing to serve the Lord and counting it all joy when we fall into many trials (James 1:2). If I made my decisions based on what I wanted to do, sometimes I would not get out of bed in the mornings and tend to my responsibilities. Other times I might just take off and drive to Dallas leaving a day full of appointments behind and suffer the consequences later in my practice. Or my weight would balloon totally out of control.

We do such devastating things to one another in search of this elusive state called happiness. Connie Podeste, a counselor, says it well, "Happiness is what you are when you are ten years old and there is a bicycle under your Christmas tree." Happiness is ours once in awhile, but peace and joy come from choosing to commit ourselves to the will of God in our lives. Paul says it best in Philippians 4:11, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Did you see it? He used his intellect, the muscle part of his brain, his "willer" if you will, to be content. Then in verse 15 he follows with, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Feelings are God-given, but to base our direction for life on them will lead us to heartache. Feelings are useful, but they must be tempered with intellect. We must use our intelligence to make choices for our behavior, and the appropriate feelings will follow.

(Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She and her husband, Jim have three adult children and two grandchildren, whom they will gladly tell you about if you ask. Actually you don't even have to ask.)

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org