CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 5
OUR STORY-PART TWO
"How It Came Apart" - Under the Influence
By Eddie Randolph D. Min.JUST VISITING
We appreciate your response to the current series, "Prescription for a Healthy Marriage." Sometimes, we deal with so many unhealthy marriages, we tend to think they are the only kind, but we really know better. We had a lovely couple in our home this last weekend - Dan and Elise Coker. Dan and Elise are missionaries in Uruguay. I knew them long before they married. I remember a time when they were so much in love, they seemed totally devoted to each other. More than forty years have passed since that time and it's still that way. Oh, I would suppose they've probably had a disagreement or two over the years, but it is apparent to anyone who is in their presence, they are truly one.
As you will learn in today's article it has not always been that way with Ann and me. We can truthfully say that we are one today and have been for a long time, but we had to climb over some pretty rugged terrain to get where we are. We tell the story for the benefit of those who are walking the rocky trail right now. The summit is achievable. We're living proof that you can get there. Perhaps we'll say something in this series that will help.
Ann and I will be on vacation this week. I'm going back to my home town to celebrate our 45th class reunion. Everybody tells me that it will be a disappointing experience because I have to spend it with a group of old people. Oh well, I'll take my chances.
Norman
* * * * *
Prescription for a Healthy Marriage # 5
OUR STORY - PART TWO "How It Came Apart"
By Norman snd Ann Bales
(Previous articles in this series are archived at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org)
When we were married, Norman was going to school at Abilene Christian College (now University) in Abilene, Texas, working on his Masters degree. He was living in a small house about three blocks from campus with my brother. We settled into the small house. Norman was working two jobs (carpentry with his Dad during the week and preaching on Sunday) and going to school. Ann went to work in surgery at the local hospital. We had started out with financial woes, but were able to handle things until Norman decided he needed to go back into full time ministry. Norman gave up his job with his Dad; Ann left the hospital and we were trying to make it on one inadequate salary. We were strapped with the added expense of Norman's driving 400 miles each week to complete the semester in his school work.
Big Dreams
We still had big dreams of a great ministry in a large church, but the move increased our financial struggles and then our first child was born. We had no insurance and so another strain was put on our pocket book. When our son Elliott was a few months old, Ann decided she would have to go back to work to help improve our financial situation. We lived in Belton, Texas. She went to work in Waco, 35 miles away. She was able to get her old position at the hospital where she had trained. Her parents took care of Elliott, so there was no child care expense.
The following year we made the decision to help two other families plant a new church in upstate New York. We moved to Houston, Texas, where we worked with the church that supported us in this new project. After nine months, we moved to Albany, New York to work with two families with experience in church planting in the Northeast. Nine months later, we moved to Jamestown, New York where we actually planted a church. We made three moves in 18 months.
Divided Loyalty
We had good times. Elliott was almost six when Jim, our second son was born. Eleven months later, Ann gave birth to our daughter, Ruby and three years after that, Gary, our last child was born. In a period of 4 years Ann had 3 babies - three preschoolers in the house. Frustration began to grow. Our finances were a mess and church work always took priority over family needs.
We decided the new church needed to construct a building in order to gain stability and permanence in the community. We need outside funding to get it off the ground. Guess who volunteered to hit the road and raise funds? Of course it was Norman.
During this time Norman traveled several thousand miles, but it was also during this time that another man came into Ann's life to whom she felt an attraction.
We'll let Ann tell you what happened.
Stress, Depression, Breakdown
"A red flag went up, but I didn't heed it completely. For a long time we used our heads and nothing happened. Later, we had opportunity to be together and we were not so wise. My frustration level was at an all time high.
We left New York and moved to Kansas. In New York, we were homeowners. In Kansas, we lived in a parsonage. The house we moved into was terrible and needed massive work. I learned I was pregnant with Gary and had difficulty during the pregnancy which required me to spend a lot of time in bed. Norman began flying around the country to speak for churches. He also took on a teaching assignment at a training school for ministers.
I went to work in a doctor's office to help financially. This only added to the stress in my life. I gained a lot of weight and then went on a strict diet. Then I took injections and lost down to 130 pounds. I had several surgeries during this time. The church situation was not good and I broke under all the pressure and had a nervous breakdown. This lead to a suicide attempt. Finally Norman decided we needed to make another move.
A Radical Decision We moved to Houston, Texas where Norman's work assignment would be less demanding, but we also took a reduction in salary. I had hoped to just stay at home and be a Mom, but after a few weeks Norman asked me to go to work. With a larger congregation, four children at home, expectations from the congregation and what I felt was the need for better clothes for all of us, the stress and pressure really got to me. I was ready to get out of the 'rat race' and I didn't care how. My decision of how was radical. The other man came into my life again. The devil's timing was perfect. I was like Lucille in the old Kenny Rogers song, 'You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille.' I decided I 'wanted to know what the other life brings.' On top of that, I decided I would go back to college and get my BSN. I had turned forty and it was time to really live and have some fun.
I'll let Norman tell you how the fun came to an abrupt and sudden halt."
The Fun's Done
"One night Ann left the house to attend a medical meeting. That wasn't too unusual, but I thought it a little strange that she was dressing up like she was going to spend the night on the town. Jokingly I asked, "Who's your date?" She said it was the doctor for whom she worked. I had no reason to feel threatened by him. He was from India and they had nothing in common. A couple of hours later, the doctor called and asked to speak to Ann. At that point, I knew I had been deceived.
She arrived at home sometime after midnight and I confronted her. She didn't deny anything, but simply said that she didn't think it wise to talk about it late at night because things are often exaggerated at night. I had prayed fervently before her arrival and somehow, God gave me the wisdom to accept her judgment. That proved to be a wise decision. The next morning, I drove her to work. She said, "I will not promise anything, but I will say this. I don't plan to make any change in our family circumstances unless you want it." I assured her that I did not want a divorce. Our relationship struggles had reached its nadir, but the way back would be long and frustrating."
NEXT WEEK - THE WAY BACK * * * * * UNDER THE INFLUENCE
By Eddie Randolph. D. Min. erandolph1@aol.comCanned laugh-tracks on TV sitcoms are used for all stabs at humor -- good or bad -- but no one likes it. So why do television execs still use it -- especially over the objections of the public, directors, and actors? Robert Cialdini, in his book, Influence, explains, "Experiments have found that the use of canned mer-riment causes an audience to laugh longer and more often when humorous material is presented and to rate the material as funnier. . . Some evidence indicates that canned laughter is most effective for poor jokes." Ah! Now it makes sense! It is a matter of influence.
A similar phenomenon is "claquing," which was started in 1820 by two Frenchmen. These men leased themselves and employees to sing-ers and opera managers who wanted the assur-ance of an appreciative audience. Claquers were strategically placed to applaud at just the right moment. They were so effective at stimulating genuine audience reaction with their faked reactions that "claques" soon became an established tradition, "collecting by day, applauding by night, all in the honest open." Claquing developed its own specialists: those who wept through sad parts, those who cried out for encores, and those with infectious laughter. Their influence was powerful and they were paid handsomely for it.
Influence is no small thing. It is seen in statements like, "Everyone else is doing it." (The implied response is, "Then it must be OK.") We all experience the good and bad of influence. There are so many voices calling for attention, wanting to leave a particular impression, seeking to change our minds and values. Paul acknowledges negative influence. "Don't you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast -- as you already are (1 Cor. 5:6)." "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character' (1 Cor. 15:33)."
Paul also notes the positive side of influence when he cites the Macedonian churches as examples in giving (2 Cor 8:1-5). Jesus declared his followers to be salt of the earth and light of the world, and to "let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven (Matt. 5:13-16)." Influence is a big deal, whether we are on the receiving or the giving end of the process, so be on the giving end.
We can be the laugh-track or claquer that encourages others to praise God. Peter calls on us to "live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us (1 Pet. 2:12)." Sounds like a great idea. Try it.
* * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org