CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 6
OUR STORY-PART THREE
"The Way Back" - From the E-Mailbag
Weighty Matters
Don't Change Your Seminar Title
JUST VISITING
We are overwhelmed at the positive feedback we receive concerning this newsletter. We frequently receive letters from folks who tell us it has been helpful. However, some folks don't always quite see eye to eye with us. We appreciate the things they tell us. It helps to keep us balanced. It also keeps us from getting the big head. This week we publish two letters from folks who have a different view of things.
We've finally posted a picture of our staff at our website. We realize we are taking a considerable risk in doing so. Prior to this time we might have convinced you that we're all young and handsome or beautiful. Now you'll see the full truth. You can view the picture at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/graphics/aafteam2.jpg (Left to right, Norman and Ann Bales, Mikal Frazier, and Vic Phares.)
If you're interested in serious Bible study, you might want to check our new series at the Southern Hills church page. We're calling it "Handling Difficulties in the Heart." It is based on a study of 2 Corinthians. We add new postings weekly. You can view the Southern Hills page at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/ You'll find the 2 Corinthian link there.
Norman
* * * * *
Prescription for a Healthy Marriage # 6
OUR STORY - PART THREE "The Way Back"
By Norman snd Ann Bales
(Previous articles in this series are archived at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org)
After the affair ended there were a lot of decisions to be made. Ann stayed in college, eventually acquiring a BSN, her RN and a BA degree in psychology. We set some new goals and completely changed the direction of our lives. We are in family ministry today because we successfully overcame the problem that almost ruined our lives. We wanted to be able to help others either avoid the pitfalls or overcome them.
The key to healing was our mutual desire to keep our marriage intact. We made a new commitment to our relationship and we both went for counseling. We had a lot of support from friends and family. Ann's greatest support was her Mom; she was also an enormous help to Norman. She went to be with the Lord in 1985 and we still miss her every day. She had known about the affair for some time, but had allowed Ann to make her own decisions, all the time telling her that what she was doing wasn't right.
Some Things We Learned About Ourselves Ann's comments
"I began looking outside of me. I realized my life had become very selfish and I needed to be thinking about the children. Our oldest son was going into his teen years. Gary was just starting first grade. They needed a lot of love and encouragement. It was also at this time that Norman came to a turning point. One evening I was sick and in bed. He had planned to go visiting that night. The children needed to be fed, bathed, put to bed and the older ones needed help with homework. Norman dressed and started out the door, when he realized what he was doing. He came back in the house, took off his coat and tie and took care of the children's needs. I feel he realized how selfish he had been. This had to change for healing to take place in our relationship. That was 23 years ago and we are still healing and will continue to do so for as long as the Father lets us live. We made one last decision and that was to move to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. We believe the Lord guided us to this place as it was perfect to complete our healing."
Norman's Comments
"My own self-centeredness was also exposed. All the things I had done in ministry - church planting, speaking trips, a trip to the Holy Land, writing - had really been done to fulfill some kind of inner urge to be thought well of. I would be lying if I were to say that has completely gone away. I struggle with self every day of my life. Now I know I'm selfish and I know that selfishness destroys relationships. I learned to see myself and my ministry from Ann's point of view and eventually to enjoy working with her as a full partner. Cedar Rapids provided us an opportunity to grow as a family and to approach ministry without being dominated by a desire for self-gratification. In the end, we had to learn what Jesus meant when he said in Matthew 16:24-25 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.'"
What We Learned From The Crisis - We really didn't know each other, though we had lived together for 16
years. Perhaps some of you are old enough to remember an old Eddy Arnold
song called "You Don't Know Me." A line that he repeats several times
is, "You think you know me well, but you don't know me."
That was certainly true in our relationship.
- A bad situation can be turned into a good situation if both
partners WANT to. One person cannot do it alone. It's like trying to
stand on one foot for a long period of time.
- We both learned the true meaning of forgiveness-both giving and
receiving. Forgiving is not just a one time process. The blood of
Jesus continually cleanses us with forgiveness. A good illustration
of this is Shakespeare's Lady Macbeth. She continually saw the bloody
spot on her hands and tried to wash it away. She didn't realize the only
way it would disappear was for her to let go of her guilt inside. We need
to come to the same conclusion.
-
In some ways we already knew how to communicate. Of course, we communicated facts, wants and even opinions. There never was a time in our marriage that we were unable to communicate about God's Word. Good thing too. That proved to be the catalyst for other need areas of communication. We had great difficulty communicating feeling without either feeling threatened or somehow coming to the conclusion that it was a waste of time. Making ourselves vulnerable in communication was most difficult. One night we sat up and talked until 4 o'clock in the morning. That's probably not the best way to do it, but in that one night, many of the feelings we had held back came out. There was no shouting, accusing, second guessing or analyzing. We just got things out in the open and it was totally non-threatening. That represented a major break- through for us. - Conflict resolution is a positive process. We decided that everybody doesn't drink their tea the same way. Our relationship would be very boring if we always liked the same things and saw things the same way. We learned to celebrate our differences. We also learned to become curious about each other's diverse interests.
Application to the church and society today
- We both began to notice situations in relationships that we felt
were headed in the same direction we had gone, both in the church and
society.
- We had an opportunity to help by sharing what we had experienced.
- We felt we could especially minister to other ministers and their
families.
- Ann felt the opportunity to mentor younger minister's wives.
- We both felt we could be better encouragers.
- Our experience showed us that in marriage we are vulnerable to the
onslaught of the devil in ways that we felt would be exempt from
temptation after marriage.
- We need to realize that when we have problems in our marriages and
allow them to grow and divide a relationship, we are being tools of the
devil.
- We became more aware of the attitude toward divorce and it is very disturbing. There is a permissiveness regarding divorce that is destructive to God's plan for families. A couple in Iowa came to visit us, stating they were thinking about getting a divorce. Norman gave them this illustration: "What you are doing is like walking a tight rope without a net. You have no idea what you are getting into. You are not prepared for either choice you make. If you decided you wanted to take up tightrope walking, you'd first find someone with lots of experience to teach you and then you would spend long hours practicing. Then when you first got way up on that tight rope you would want a net under you. Why not do all of that ahead of time for your marriage? Then when things get rough, you are going to need a net and that should be your support system."
* * * * * FROM THE E-MAIL BOX
Weighty Matters
Don't Change Your Seminar Title
From the E-Mailbag
Weighty Matters
Apparently, in a recent newsletter I used the word "fat" and "unattractive." One reader took exception. I don't want to start a war between the sexes, but the other side needs to be heard."I read in your last newsletter something related to "wives becoming fat and unattractive." I think this was a highly unbalanced perspective. A majority of married people who become fat and unattractive are men. These pot bellied, overweight men have poor social lives, many drink beer and alcohol to drunkenness, are sports finatics, spousal abusers and won't go to church! They die of heart disease and cirrhosis and leave women with no money, lots of bills and undisciplined children. Fat and unattractive does not simple apply to women my friend and you may wish to clear this up!"
Don't Change Your Seminar Title
"Greetings in the blessed name of our Lord and Saviour. Just to let you know how God works, this newsletter reached me in the Middle East having been relayed from the jungles of Nigeria by 2 faithful brothers - isn't God good!
I just wanted to comment on something you wrote.
"A few years ago, we developed a seminar program called -Mending a Messed Up Marriage.- We are in the process of changing our program title to -Presciption for a Healthy Marriage-. A positive approach has greater appeal than a negative approach."
I'm not sure I agree. When you are desperately trying to work your way out of what feels like a doomed relationship, the last thing you want is happy smily people telling you how healthy things can be. What you need is someone to roll their sleeves up, come alongside you and help and encourage and be salt and light. I think that given the divorce and separation statistics and the likelihood that many people choose not to separate but live in sub-standard marriages, that 'Mending a Messed Up Marriage- is about the best title there is. People don't always want the motivational appeal. They want help at the ground level where they're at. Healthy = positive = successful = rejection to people who feel like failures. Please, please, please reconsider. Positive can = worldly when the Lord is telling you to weep with those who mourn. Thank you for your efforts. With so much rubbish in this world it is wonderful to find some blessings."
COMMENT:
We appreciate the perspective of our reader and there is merit to what he says. However, our decision was made after conducting seminars on "Mending a Messed Up Marriage." Some people are afraid to come to the seminar. They think their attendance indicates an admission of marriage failure. Others know their marriage is in trouble, but they don't want anyone else to know. If they attend the seminar and see their friends there, they will be exposed. We really can't help anyone unless they give us a hearing. We think "Prescription for a Healthy Marriage" will gain us a wider hearing. We would like to know what others think.
Norman
* * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
- We really didn't know each other, though we had lived together for 16
years. Perhaps some of you are old enough to remember an old Eddy Arnold
song called "You Don't Know Me." A line that he repeats several times
is, "You think you know me well, but you don't know me."
That was certainly true in our relationship.
