CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 7
IN SEARCH OF A CURE FOR SICK MARRIAGES
(part one)
- VICTIM OR VICTOR: THE BLAME GAME
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
JUST VISITING
Many of you have joined us during the middle of the "Prescription for a Healthy Marriage" series and requested back issues. All our back issues are posted at our website http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/ You can go there and find all of the back issues for the last three years by clicking on "Previous." Our newsletter is usually sent out on Wednesday (Juno subscribers often get it a day later). We normally post it on the website the following Monday. We are pleased to welcome Mikal back with another insightful article. This time, she's talking with us about "Victims and Victors." Norman
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Prescription for a Healthy Marriage # 7
IN SEARCH OF A CURE FOR SICK MARRIAGES "Part One"
By Norman snd Ann Bales
(Previous articles in this series are archived at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org)
At some point in your relationship, you may well come to the conclusion that your marriage isn't healthy. We know the divorce rate is high and we really have no idea how many people are hanging onto marriage even though they experience little satisfication in the relationship. They're staying together for the children, or because they think it will be a sin to get a divorce, or because they fear they can't survive economically without a spouse, or because they would rather put up with the misery than to face living alone.
If you have followed the last six installments of the current series, you know we faced a crisis in the in the sixteenth year of our marriage. The morning after Norman learned the truth about Ann's relationship with another man, she said to him, "I don't plan a change in our family status unless you want to." He said, "Well, I don't want to either." We never backed away from that decision. At various times through the next year, we "checked the temperature"of our marriage. It helped us to guage the healing process. On one of these occasion, we came to an agreement. We said, "We may lose some battles here and there, but we're going to win the war." We still fight an occasional battle, but we're winning the war
THE COST OF RECONSTRUCTION
It will cost you time. It may cost you money. The finest investment we made, during that period of time,was in professional counseling. For a while it took a big chunk of our income, but we paid it and it was some of the best money we ever spent. We probably didn't spend more than six or seven hundred dollars total on all the counseling we did. While we thought that was an enormous amount of money, one day we asked ourselves, "What would we do if we needed to spend $700 on the car to keep it running?" The answer was clear. We would find the money.
A couple of years ago, Ann left on a two week business trip. She drove about 300 miles from home and the car suddenly quit on her. Getting the car fixed was quit expensive. We didn't have the money at the time, but we found a way to get it. The next day, she was on the road again. What would you do if the furnace went out at your house? You'd find a way to fix the furnace. Is your marriage more important than your car? Is it more important than the furnace in your house? Of course it is. If we need some money to fix up a marriage that needs repairs, why do we say, "we can't afford it?" So often we hear people say, "Oh, we can't afford counseling." And when we hear that we usually start looking for some way to get them free counseling, but nearly every time we do, we discover that people don't value counseling that doesn't cost them anything. I've also discovered we are willing to pay for the things we truly value, no matter what the price.
But the greatest cost is neither time nor money. The greatest cost was really laid down by the apostle Paul in Philippians 2:3-4, when he said, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Whether your marriage difficulty involves infidelity, neglect, miscommunication, abuse, unfulfilled expectations, lack of appreciation, lack of quality time spent together, failure to share work responsibilities, in law troubles, financial problems or anything else that weakens the quality of your relationship, the biggest challenge to your relationship involves your willingness to do what Paul talked about in Philippians 2:3-4.
Norman recalls a moment in time that made a difference in his life.
I will never forget the date. It was leap year and February 29 fell on a Sunday. On that particular Sunday night, the church's youth minister spoke to the congregation. He was not a polished speaker, but I still remember his topic and content. He preached on "Dying to Self." Ann was at home with the flu that night, so she didn't hear the sermon. I was deeply moved by his message. I was especially touched with his reference to 1 Corinthians 15:31, where Paul said, 'I die every day.' I decided that was what I was not doing. I was not dying to myself on a daily basis. I won't say that I've never let self live since time, but at least I became aware that self was controlling me and it was killing my marriage. The costliest, most painful lesson I've ever had to learn is dying to self. I stopped pointing my finger at anything Ann had done. I needed to deal with my own self-centeredness. I came to recognize it as the number one problem in my life. It's a lesson I'm still in the process of learning, but I've learned enough of it to know that it pays tremendous rewards when you recognize it and start concentrating on servanthood.
AWARENESS
The first step toward healing a broken relationship is awareness. You must be able to say to yourself and to one another. "Something's not right here." Most of us pass through long periods of denial before we recognize that congeniality has been seriously disrupted. Rarely do both become alert to the condition of their relationship at the same time. One spouse may verbalize dissatisfaction, but the other ignores the messages. A spouse in denial might respond, "I'm satisfied; what's your problem?" Until both partners acknowledge their discontent, it's not likely that healing will ever take place. We're not in the habit of seeking the advice of a physician when we think we're healthy.
FALSE STARTS
Now let's move another step forward. Let's suppose you both are willing to come right out and say "our marriage is sick and if we don't do something about it, it's going to die." While such an awareness is necessary to healing, it can also cause additional frustration. When you set out to heal a broken relationship, you want a quick cure. Many people don't want to invest the time and energy it takes to make significant improvement.
Sometimes people set out to improve their relationships and within a very short time, they can see discernible progress. Then just as it looks like they have turned the corner, something happens that causes them to realize they really hadn't made that much progress. It's a little bit like jump starting a battery. It gets your car going, but you've it will take longer to rebuild the kind of charge that sustains the battery. Jump starts in a relationship are wonderful, but it will take the slow charge to get it back on track.
Norman recalls this stage of our marital recovery
Throughout our marriage, I had withheld communication. I was afraid to tell her about things I didn't like, because I was so insecure in my own sense of well being, I feared rejection when I brought up a sensitive subject. As we began to recognize the nature of our problem, I also began to realize that I was going to have to risk communicating negative feelings. The best way to do that is a little bit at a time, but within the space of a couple of weeks, I told Ann everything I didn't like about her. One day she told me where I could go and she said, "If I could I would walk out that door and never come back." I knew that that we had not healed the brokenness in our relationship. I also knew were it would take a very long time to get build a quality marriage.
At that point many people would decide, "It's not going to work. Let's call the lawyers." But that would be a big mistake. We were beginning to have honest communication. We didn't always do it tactfully. We had some unrealistic expectations, but we were starting the process of open communication.
CHANGES
In his book, Learning to Love, Willard Tate said, "We may want to see positive changes in our lives, but the fact is that things, including relationships tend not to change." There can never be any relationship improvement without change. You have to ask youself the questions, "What's going to change?" What's going to stay the same?"
Ann share some of her thoughts about change.
Earlier, Norman told you about the morning after he learned of my other relationship. I told him I didn't plan to change our family status unless he wanted to. His reply - "I don't want to either" - was probably not what I wanted to hear, but it was what I expected. We had a lot of feelings to sort through and lot of decisions to make. If you really look at the words I used, you will notice that I mentioned only the family status. Our relationship needed a lot of changing if we were not going to be one of those couples who just stayed together because of the children. And I didn't plan to make a lot of changes.
The word change is bandied around all the time. Most people will say they don't like change and they don't want things to change. Older people sometimes say they wish things hadn't changed so much and that things were just like they used to be. Church members say "We don't want the church to change." "We need to be like the church in the first century" "We like things they the way they were when Brother Smith was preaching for us." "There are just too many changes in the world. We need to try and keep things steady and predictable." Every time we hear any of these remarks, wewant to ask the question, "What do you mean by that statement?" Life is full of changes. It always has been and always will be. But usually significant change happens so gradually we don't even realize it's happened.
That's the way it is when there is an affair. You don't just wake up one morning and decide, "Today I'm going to have an affair. I wonder who I can find to be my partner?" That sounds crazy and it is. It is foolish to say, "I want things to be just like they were before this happened." That's like saying, "I want everything to be just like it was before the hurricane hit." You can't bring back property, personal things that have been destroyed and certainly not the loved ones that have died. There is no way everything can be the same. It's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. It is impossible.
To look at it from a different point of view, what used to be considered normal may not be possible. Our children attended Franklin Junior High School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. The building was constructed not long after the turn of the century. Outside the front entrance, the steps were bordered on either side by two molded lion figures. Over time, the weather took its toll and the lions began to crack and crumble. Long time residents considered the lion figures aesthetically attractive and wanted them to be replaced. A search began and it was soon learned that no one knew how to make these figures anymore so they were replaced with modern symmetrical concrete. It was functional and substantial, but it lacked the charm of the original lions. It was impossible to have things the way they used to be. According to a Chinese proverb, "You can't step into the same river twice."
So it is with the reconstruction impaired marriages. In our case, we really didn't want to revert tot he way things were before the crisis. We were in crisis because our marriage wasn't healthy. Why would we want to return to the sickness? We wanted to define "normal" in a different way and we had to do some changing before things got better.
NEXT WEEK: "Changes and Pitfalls"
* * * * * VICTIM OR VICTOR: THE BLAME GAME by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
"The devil made me do it."
"The woman you put here with me --- she..." (Adam)
"My mother always loved my sister more." (example by Professor Willard Tate)
Both of my daughters studied under Willard Tate at Abilene Christian University. There he told his classes, "Your mother will always love your sister more." "And even if you did not have a sister, if you had a sister, your mother would have loved her more."
His message is that if you continue focusing on how you were mistreated by everyone else, then you are stuck and there is no hope of growth for you. You are caught in the Blame Game and you make yourself a victim. We have all abused others and we have all been abused by others. If we choose to do so, we can focus on those grievances rather than on the positive aspects of our lives. It is our choice as to whether we approach life as a victor or a victim.
Years ago, the communication specialist, the late Virginia Satir, identified four unhealthy styles of communicating while under stress. One of the most commonly used styles of communicating under stress is "blame," as identified by Ms. Satir. Spouses use blame on one another; colleagues use blame on one another and parents use blame on their children. Now get ready for the shocker.
Blame is simply a cover-up for fear
Maybe someone in your life has crippled you by phrases like: "How could you be so stupid?" "Leave it to you to mess things up!" "You always do the wrong thing." "He's the one who got us in this mess." Or perhaps you have perpetrated such messages of blame on someone else. No matter how forceful or mighty or invincible that person (the blamer) may have seemed, he or she was covering up a heart full of fear, a heart terrified of allowing himself or herself to become vulnerable.
I visit with many adolescents. Adolescents can be keen blamers. I tell them that when they must go around making problems every one else's fault, it is like going around with a neon sign on their forehead that says, "I'm afraid." For me personally, I do not want to advertise to the world that I am afraid. More than that I do not want to be ruled by a heart of fear.
Because of the power given me by Jesus, I can allow myself to be vulnerable and I do not have to put the focus on someone else in order to take it off of me. Romans 8 tells me that none of the trials here can destroy me. I'm speaking of the only kind of destruction which matters and that is separation from the love of God. Fear can cause separation from the love of God. The "fearful" are the first ones listed in Revelation 21:8 who will experience the second death.
Fear is such a severe problem because it destroys relationships. We have a God in heaven whose sole purpose is to heal relationships. We must put away anything that would interfere with God's purpose of building relationships. Blaming and accusing are two of the most destructive behaviors which can occur in a relationship. Healthy people do not have to resort to blaming or accusing.
When a couple comes into my office, one of the very first skills I want them to learn is how to make "I" messages and to stop using "you" messages. "You" messages are filled with blame and will automatically put the accused on the defensive (also a choice on the part of the accused). "You" messages escalate the downward spiral in a negative interaction. It takes courage to choose to create an "I" message. ( http://www.allaboutfamilies.org)
When I can start choosing "I" messages to communicate rather than "you" messages, I am moving from the victim stance to a victor stance. As a Christian, this is how I can begin calling on His power that is "able to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine," (Ephesians 3:20) in my relationships. This is how I begin building my own integrity and taking responsibility for myself.
Following are some examples of getting rid of blame and beginning to make choices for one's own life. These examples are from a book entitled Healing Hearts by Elizabeth Hickey and Elizabeth Dalton. (A book on divorce recovery for children and adults.)
VICTIM POSTURE
SELF-RELIANT POSTURE
I’m alone in the universe.
If I look, I can find love and support from family, friends, and others Life is punishing me. Life is a teacher. Each experience has a lesson.
My parents never prepared me for this.
My parents did the best they could;parents aren’t perfect.
My dysfunction is a result of my childhood.
I can choose a path different from my dysfunctional childhood.
My dreams are shattered. I’ll never trust again. I can make new I can dream again. I can also learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
It’s not fair. Why me? I can choose my reactions to life’s events. Some things I have no control over, but I can control my reactions.
As children of the Most High we do not need to allow fear to paralyze us. First and foremost we can choose our response to Jesus and then we can choose to respond as Jesus. "What would Jesus do?"
(Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She and her husband, Jim have three adult children and two grandchildren, whom they will gladly tell you about if you ask. Actually you don't even have to ask.)
* * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org