CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 8
IN SEARCH OF A CURE FOR SICK MARRIAGES
(part two-"Changes and Pitfalls")
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WHAT OTHERS HAVE SAID
ABOUT LEARNING NEW THINGS - Bob Brewer
ABOUT CHANGING YOUR MIND - Everett Dirksen
ABOUT NEGOTIATING CHANGE - H. Norman Wright
ABOUT CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR - Janis Abrahms SpringJUST VISITING
We appreciate the feedback we've been getting from this series. One reader said that it is helpful to know that no one has a perfect marriage. That's probably an understatement. Sometimes Christians say, "Evangelism is simply one beggar telling another where to find bread." From the very beginning of this project, we have looked at the "All About Families Newsletter" in those terms. We've experienced family pain, but we found relief and we want to share some of the things we learned in the process. We hear from people every week who are dealing with terrific pressures in their marriages. We are honored that you would ask us for help, even though we know the help we offer may well be inadequate.
Bob Brewer has been our pulpit guest at Southern Hills the last couple of weeks. He introduced a new acronym to us - DWIT, which stands for Do Whatever It Takes. He was not applying it to marriage conflict, but it is apropos to everything that concerns family. There's a principle we learned in our own pilgrimage that we often share with those who are wondering if their relationship can be salvaged. We believe that any marriage problem can be overcome if both parties want to resolve it. Then you have to activate the DWIT program. In this series, we are attempting to flesh out DWIT.
Norman
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Prescription for a Healthy Marriage # 8
IN SEARCH OF A CURE FOR SICK MARRIAGES "Part Two-Changes and Pitfalls"
By Norman snd Ann Bales
(Previous articles in this series are archived at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org)
INTRODUCTION The C-word is a big, bad, much dreaded term. The C-Word is change and most of us resist change until the status quo is no longer tolerable. No relationship will improve without change. If we are satisfied with everything the way it is, we would not want to change. If you concede the need for improvement, you also admit the need for change. We can all agree with that in theory, but when we start talking about the specifics of change, it often becomes threatening. In an impaired relationship, we ask you to consider the need for change in several areas.
AREAS OF CHANGE
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Change of Attitude
First, there has to be a change of attitude on the part of both parties. Both of you must decide you want to improve the quality of the relationship. In some instances, you may need to seek the help of a third party to assist you in making the necessary changes. A third party, trained in negotiating relational dynamics, can often help a couple implement those changes that will benefit the relationship. Some people may have to rid themselves of prejudice against counselors in order to move forward.
Change of focus
When people visit with us and share their problems, they usually will start by saying, "I don't know where to begin." Within a short time, they tell us exactly what the problem is, or what they think the problem is. Quite often the initial concern is not really the problem. It may be a manifestation of the problem, but the real problem is sometimes too threatening to discuss before trust is established. When we went to counseling as a troubled married couple, the counselor helped us change our focus. We had to stop focusing on the wrongs of the past and start focusing on building a positive relationship in the future. We had to change our focus from wrong relationships to right relationships, from destructive behavior patterns to constructive patterns; from negative attitudes to positive attitudes.
Change of behavior
Most of us are creatures of habit. We develop abrasive habits that irritate our partners and indulge our self-centered agendas. In our situation we both realized there was a deep need to change the way we treated each other. This meant spending time together and talking about things other than just church and Bible. We have always been able to discuss spiritual matters, but we weren't applying many of those concepts to our relationship. We needed to reconsider our behavior patterns in everything from table manners to the way we spend our money.
Ann comments
While we were preparing this material, Norman mentioned some of my responses before the blow up. He said he felt something was not quite right. On occasion, he would want to talk with me. Most of the time my response would be, 'I'm really tired tonight and I just want to relax.' I would brew a cup of international coffee, go out on our patio, sit in the dark, and fantasize. At other times, the children would need my attention and there was always work. Many evenings I would be called in to assist the doctor I worked for in surgery. That behavior really had to change.
Norman comments
I had to realize that I was spending more time away from the family and that I was more focused on doing 'church work' than attending to my family's needs. The needs of ministry took my attention away from problems at home. I would put relationships on the back burner and plan to deal with those needs at a later time, 'after things slow down a bit.' The truth is things never slowed down. There was always another appointment to keep, another home to visit, another committee meeting to attend, another block of time needed for study. That had to change. My relationship to my wife and children needed higher priority.
PITFALLS
Trust. Trust is not a gift. It has to be earned. Trust is earned, not just by words, but by behavior, over an extended period of time. In her book, After the Affair, Janis Abrahms Spring addressed the responsibility of the "unfaithful partner" in rebuilding a trust relationship. She insisted that the "unfaithful partner" must use bold, concrete actions to show that commitment to the "faithful partner" has been restored. Actions must clearly show that promises are being kept. The "faithful partner," on the other hand, has to be open to regaining faith and trust in the mate who violated trust. She said, "You need to spell out exactly what your partner can do for you, and give this person a road map back into your life."
Dr. Spring divided trust-building behaviors into two categories - "low-cost behaviors" and "high-cost behaviors." The main difference between them seems to be in the amount of emotional sacrifice needed to make the change. She suggested that a couple make a list of both categories. The "hurt partner" needs to ask for actions that would enhance a feeling of security. The "offending partner" partner needs to request things which show that what you are doing to restore trust is effective.
To be successful in rebuilding trust, both parties must make themselves accountable for their actions. Making yourselves accountable to each other keeps the process on track, and encourages you to paint on the same canvas, painting the same picture and using the same palette of colors.
VULNERABILITY
At this point, we want to address the person who may have been betrayed in a relationship. Most of the time there are no "innocent" and "guilty" parties, because guilt usually attaches itself to both parties. There is however a, "hurt" party and an "offending" party.
It is important for the "hurt" party to recognize vulnerability.
Norman comments:
There came a time when I thought we needed to lighten up. We needed to do something just for fun. I issued an ultimatum (which I shouldn't have done). I said 'We need to do something for fun. Friday night, I am going to a movie. I really want you to go with me, but if you don't go with me. I'm going by myself.' Friday night came and Ann was sick. She said, 'I know what you said and I would go with you if I could, but you committed yourself to go regardless and I think you need to stick by it. But there's one thing you need to know. For the first time in your life, you are in a unique state of vulnerability. Because of our problems, other women are really going to look good to you. This is not a sensible time to get involved with somebody else, but if you get in the right situation, it will be very tempting.
That thought really messed with my mind. When I got to the movie theater, I was scared some woman might grab me by the arm and say, 'Why don't we leave here and go to my apartment?' I didn't even make eye contact with the girl at the ticket window. I found a seat where I didn't have to sit close to anybody and the minute the movie was over, I walked to the car as fast as I could and drove home. I probably over reacted, but she was right. I was vulnerable.
Proverbs 7 speaks of the young man who goes to the opposite extreme and throws caution out the window. As the day is fading into twilight, he marches down to the street corner to be near a seductive woman. She volunteers her affections on a bed covered with linens from Egypt and perfumed with sweet smelling spices. The writer warns, " Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death"(Proverbs 7:25-27).
CONCLUSION A couple of years ago Norman conducted an experiment with change. Throughout his adult life, he has carried his wallet in his right hip pocket. He decided to switch to the other side. It sounded like such a simple plan, but the next morning, he was preoccupied with his schedule for the day when he jammed his wallet back down into the same old pocket. Change requires conscious attention. For awhile, the wallet seemed uncomfortable on the other side. He was "used to" the old way of doing it. It probably took a year to permanently affect the change. Old habits are hard to break, but if they are destructive patterns of behavior or if they harm our relationships, we must be willing to take the necessary steps to make the changes.
NEXT WEEK: "Forgiveness"
* * * * * WHAT OTHERS HAVE SAID About Learning New Things:
"They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, I'm not talking about tricks and I'm not talking about dogs." - Bob Brewer in a sermon at the Southern Hills Church of Christ; October 18, 1998.About Changing Your Mind:
"Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylum, who can't and those in cemeteries." - Everett M. Dirksen in a press conference in Washington, D. C. January 1, 1965.About Negotiating Change:
"Couples should be encouraged to concentrate individually on their own behavior changes, not on the changes the spouse is making. After the changes have occurred, the couple should evaluate the effect upon their relationships." - H Norman Wright.About Changing Your Behavior:
"If you're going to change your behavior toward your partner, you may have to act at time as if you feel more loving, secure or forgiving than you really do. If you wait until your affection returns, you may very well outwait the relationship." - Janis Abrahms Spring in After the Affair.* * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
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