CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: PRESCRIPTION FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE # 9
  IN SEARCH OF A CURE FOR SICK MARRIAGES
  (Part Three - "Forgiveness")
  
• FROM THE E-MAILBAG
  

  JUST VISITING

  Over the past five years Ann and I have been involved with a missionary conference, known as the Pan-American Lectureship. We travel to some Latin-American country with other North Americans in the interest of mission work in those regions. The Lord willing, we will drive to Dallas on Friday, spend the night with our son and his wife and fly to Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic the next day. This is the place where Columbus landed when he discovered the New World. Of more recent significance, it's the home of Sammy Sosa, runner up to Mark McGwire in this year's sensational home-run contest. There's no guarantee that we'll run into Sammy, but we do look forward to visiting the Dominican Republic. The people there are still attempting to recover from the devastating effects of Hurricane Georges.

  In this week's issue, we share some of the interesting mail we receive. It's always good to hear from our readers. Sometimes our mail isn't quite as polite as that which we publish today. Even that kind of mail is helpful, because it serves to assist us in the vital process of self-examination.

  Norman

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  Prescription for a Healthy Marriage # p

  IN SEARCH OF A CURE FOR SICK MARRIAGES

  "Part Three - 'Forgiveness'"

  By Norman snd Ann Bales

  (Previous articles in this series are archived at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org)

  INTRODUCTION

  IS THE RELATIONSHIP WORTH THE PRICE OF FORGIVENESS?

  So, you feel your marriage is falling apart? "You don't love him/her anymore." Your marriage covenant has been broken in some way. You want out of this mess and the sooner the better. You begin to think "NO PROBLEM!!"

  In today's world, a large number of those who make up our society would agree with you. In the movies, on television and other forms of media expression it happens every day. The scriptwriters tell you everything you need to know to make divorce easier and simpler. No-fault divorce laws have been written in an attempt to ease the pain of a procedure with a history of legal, psychological and emotional devastation. Your "friends" promise to be there to offer support. Even the greeting card business gets into the act. You can actually purchase commercial greeting cards to congratulate a friend on completing the necessary legal requirements of a divorce. The familiar slogan, "When you care enough to give the very best" acquires a whole new meaning.

  An author described a meeting among six ladies who met regularly for breakfast. One of the ladies told the group that her husband was cheating on her. By the next day all of these "friends" surrounded her with all their encouragement and sympathy. They practically built a fence around her, made her decisions, found her a lawyer, a place to live and arranged dates with other men. She didn't have to think about the situation, or even have to deal with it. Or did she? Several weeks later, the impact of her friends' intervention hit her like a "ton of bricks." She was shattered. Thank goodness, she was able to pull herself together. She made some decisions on her own and worked things out with her husband.

  DO YOU REALLY WANT A DIVORCE?

  Do you really want a divorce? Society says yes, we do. We deserve to get out of this mess. But is that really what is best? A country and western song from a few years back suggests rethinking that option.

  It just might be a lesson for the hasty heart to know; Maybe, leaving's not the only way to go.

  That is something to think about.

  In 1990, Dr. Diane Medved published a book titled The Case Against Divorce. She began the project with the intent of writing a guidebook to help people decide if separation is appropriate. The title of the book tells you, that after her research and survey data was formulated, she wrote about the very opposite.

  REASONS TO STAY TOGETHER

  Here are some of Dr. Medved's reasons for staying together:

  1. Family Continuity.

     Divorce hurts those around you. It hurts you and your other relationships. Single life isn't what it's cracked up to be. Staying together is better for you.

  2. The Consequences of Divorce.

  3. The High Mortality Rate of Second Marriages.

     Some say as high as ½ to 2/3 of all second marriages end in divorce.

  4. The Time and Energy Already Invested.

  5. God Teaches Us to Forgive (Hosea and Gomer).

     He used this story to show us that God forgave Israel many times and that he forgives us in the same way.

  BENEFITS OF STAYING TOGETHER

  Here are some of the benefits of staying together.

  1. Only marriage brings true romance

  2. Marriage is good for your character.

  3. Marriage meets our need for attachment.

  4. Marriage is a safe haven.

  5. Strength comes through crisis

     (Illustration: Gold and silver refined).

  6. It is the only true commitment, other than our commitment to God.

  7. Marriage is the ultimate setting for fulfilling life's true purpose.

     Dr. Medved says few achievements in life are as major or lasting.

  "In the triangle of love between ourselves, God and other people, is found the secret of existence, and the best foretaste...we can have on earth of what heaven will be like." (S. M. Shoemaker). God has given us a pattern of what marriage should be. If we follow that pattern, we can truly have a little heaven right here on earth. That is what God intended for us. Divorce is not part of that plan. However, we must understand that in most instances, it will not be possible to maintain marriage after broken trust unless forgiveness takes place.

  THE NECESSITY OF FORGIVING

  In the early years of our ministry, we met a very wise older Christian, who left us with this memorable quote. "If I could use only two words to describe the Christian faith, those two words would be 'give' and 'forgive.'" Giving and forgiving is not only essential to Christianity, it is vital in every marriage relationship.

  Norman Describes His Need to Forgive

  In the beginning, Ann was not remorseful over having broken trust. Earlier, I mentioned the fact that when our situation came to light, I felt deep guilt. I felt sympathy for her. I was burdened by the weight of my inadequacy. That all changed one day, when I fully realized I had been lied to. The trust I had given had been broken and worst of all, she had never even said, "I'm sorry. I took her out to lunch one day, and I laid out my frustration. She's an amazing woman, because she took it all very well. She didn't get angry. She didn't make counter charges. She just said, "I knew sooner or later you'd have to say those things." Somewhere in the conversation, I said, "But you haven't even said that you're sorry." At that point she said, "That's because I'm not sorry." How do you work on forgiveness, when you've been cheated on and your partner isn't even sorry? I really wanted to forgive, but how do you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven. A few weeks later, she said, "I'm sorry," but she asked me to forgive her and that put the ball in my court. That was very scary because if I understand the Lord right, we receive forgiveness only when we're willing to forgive those who have wronged us. Despite the fact that I had wanted to forgive her at an earlier time, I was feeling the emotional desire to forgive. I was caught between God's command and my feelings."

  Norman's comments reveal a common occurrence in rebuilding trust. The desire to forgive may be present. A partner may claim to have forgiven and might even believe that at one level of awareness, but then the day comes when anger blows all those good intentions right out of the water. We want to put the problem behind us. Christians also know that we are required to forgive people in order to be forgiven by God. (Matthew 6:14-15). Beyond that we cannot heal our own emotional wounds until we forgive, but the emotional act of forgiving is a process that takes time.

  AN UNNATURAL ACT.

  Philip Yancey one described forgiveness as an unnatural act. Alexander Solzhentisyn said that this is one area in our lives in which we differ from animals. Only people have the capacity to forgive. Think about it. Norman grew up on a farm and Ann grew up in a rural area, so we learned about animal behavior very early in our lives. Our children didn't grow up on or near a farm. One day we went to visit some friends who lived on a farm. Our oldest son was 7 or 8 years old at the time. He was curious to learn about a mother hen and her baby chickens. We never learned what he did to threaten her nest. We learned of his problem when he came tearing around the house as fast as his little legs would take him with an old red hen in hot pursuit. It never occurred to her to forgive. "I'm sorry" wouldn't take care of it.

  Without Christ in our lives, we think exactly the same way as that old red hen. We're going to retaliate and if somebody says, "you need to forgive," the flesh is going to ask "Why?" To our fleshly way of thinking, forgiveness doesn't even seem fair. There is something within our fleshly nature that wants to keep hurts alive. We enjoy having pity parties. We like feeling sorry for ourselves and we really want to get even.

  Norman comments:

  I will have to admit that on the level of my fleshly feelings, I was no different from anyone else in that respect. I sometimes played out mental fantasies of how I would like to even the score. Fortunately, in the more rational side of my thinking, I recognized the fact that my fantasies were thoughts planted there by Satan.

  But the question is "How do I pull this forgiveness business off?" Let us make one important suggestion.

  FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS

  We tend to think that it's a decision or event. It really isn't possible to shut off hard feelings simply by saying, "I forgive you." Let's suppose that the offense you're being asked to forgive is adultery. You're dealing with a severe emotional trauma. Forgiveness is the medicine you need to heal the wound, but you don't just take the medicine once. I'm sure we've all known people who took chemotherapy treatment for cancer. Have you ever known anyone to be completely healed from cancer with just one chemotherapy treatment? Of course not. It usually takes a long time. And sometimes, there are terrible side effects such as loss of energy, nausea, and hair falling out. But for some people, the results are phenomenal. The cancer shrinks; strength comes back; they can eat without getting sick and their hair grows back. Forgiveness is like that. It's painful, discouraging at times, but if you stay with it long enough, it's ultimately healing.

  Philip Yancey wrote about Joseph struggling through the process of forgiving. He observed that the story of Joseph forgiving his brothers is filled with loops and twists. One minute he's throwing them in jail. The next minute he's so overcome with emotion that he has to leave the room. He plays tricks on them when he hides the money and silver cup. All the time, according to Yancey, Joseph is struggling to forgive these men who sold him into slavery and he's finally successful. When we are deeply hurt in a marriage struggle, we will likely respond in a manner similar to Joseph's. You cannot command your feelings; but you can command your will and your will should be that of a desire to forgive.

  You've got to apply the medicine more than once. And when it hurts, you've got to continue to apply it. The one thing to remember is to make the decision to go through the process and stick with it. We are not saying that a divorce should never take place. There are times when one partner or the other has no desire to restore the covenant and will not make any effort to do what it takes to rebuild trust. Divorce then becomes an undesirable, but sometimes-necessary action. Our emphasis is on the positive side of rebuilding. We know it's possible because we did it with God's help.

  NEXT WEEK: "The Gravel in Your Shoe"

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  From the E-Mailbag

  We Love Getting Notes Like This

  "Though this life is a very busy one for us all...I just want you all to be encouraged in what you're doing for yourself and the others who benefit from your sharing. I try to drop a few lines to let you know that someone is actually reading your writings... Thanks again, and may God continue to bless you, as you continue to bless others...."

  "Thank You for all your work, honesty, and willingness to bring this newsletter to fruition. I for one, appreciate it very much!"

  "Thanks for your wonderful newsletter. I have enjoyed it for a while and have referred it to many of my friends. Your ministry has blessed thousands that you will never know of. Keep up the good work."

  "I wanted to thank you for sharing the story of the trials you and Ann faced in your marriage. One of the many wonderful things about Mikal is that she does not hesitate to tell us that she and Jim have their share of problems. I think that we, as clients, tend to look on counselors as being above sin. As though they sit on a pedestal and tell us how to 'fix' ourselves. Your story helps to debunk that myth."

  What Happened to Grandy?

  "This article on Challenges to Commitment is excellent. My 3yr old child just came & told me all about Nanny goat too - excellent"

  Grandy had to get through the baseball playoffs and the World Series. Right now, he's preoccupied with both college and professional football and fretting over whether we're going to have NBA basketball this year. If we can get him out of his rocking chair long enough, perhaps he'll write another article for children.

  Letters Like This Make Us Wonder What We Have Done

  "Your newsletter is one of the best on the web. On this particular newsletter when I printed it to read and to read to the family words were missing (running off the page). This is not good. I can wrap the long lines but they still don't print if it's not on the page on the original. Please be careful not to run off the page. We don't want to miss any of the words. It makes the sentences sound much better."

  Actually a number of folks had word wrap problems. We are most grateful to Tom Dolan, who administers the Listserv program at Abilene Christian University for helping us understand our technical faux pas. Sometimes an improvement is not an improvement. Please let us know about these tech glitches. We may not be able to fix them all, but we need to know about them.

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  If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

  Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org