CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• PARENTAL INFLUENCE
  
• THE INEVITABLE DISAPPOINTMENT OF MARRIAGE
  By Mikal Frazier LMFT, LPC

Have you heard the radio commercial in which a frustrated mother receives three outlandish behavioral responses from her children in rapid succession? At the end, she asked, "Where did I go wrong?" I suppose most parents have said the same thing at one time or another. Parenting is a demanding, frustrating, challenging and sometimes seemingly impossible task. Every parent would probably like to resign from the job, from time to time, but nobody seems to be able to locate the proper forms on which a resignation can be submitted. Since we can't resign, maybe we can release ourselves from responsibility. That's the latest fad in a succession of novel ideas about parenting that I regard as absolutely crazy. Our feature article focuses on the importance of parental influence.

Please pray for Mikal Frazier, our resident therapist and frequently columnist. Her mother and father, Hampton and Betty Herbert are both dealing with some very serious medical problems. Hampton is probably going to require round the clock care and Betty is in the hospital recovering from a stroke. They are two of the most wonderful people I know and it pains me to witness their suffering, but I see it only occasionally. Mikal lives with it every day. She and her sister Millie are making some difficult decisions right now. Because her attention is focused in that direction, Mikal didn't have time to contribute an article this week, so we decided to give her an encore. Many of you are new to our newsletter and we thought you might appreciate the very first article she wrote for All About Families.

Norman

Parental Influence

By Norman Bales

When we talk about evangelism, our thoughts usually focus on the importance of teaching those who never attend church services, those who are not actively involved in church life and those who adhere to warped perceptions about God. I want to suggest that the home represents an enormous evangelistic opportunity. If we feel a sense of urgency toward the masses, toward the importance of sharing the gospel, toward being salt, light and leaven in the world, we should maintain an equal amount of passion for our family members, especially our children.

A writer named Julia Rich Harris is making the rounds of the talk shows to promote her book, The Nurture Assumption. Although Ms. Harris has no credentials as an authority on child rearing, she is being given red carpet media treatment because she offers a theory that lets parents off the hook. According to her, parents have little to do with the formation of a child's values and standards. She thinks genes and peer pressure determine them. Responsible professionals in the field of child development have challenged her work. Jerome Kagan, a child-development researcher at Harvard, cites the demonstrable fact that parents do have a strong influence on the lives of the children if they talk to them and read to them. Such children have better verbal skills, make better grades and get higher paying jobs later on. He says, "That fact alone is enough to discredit her thesis."

Paul said, to Timothy, " I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." 2 Timothy 1:5. He clearly saw how parental influence molded character two generations down the line.

Many people are concerned about the erosion of moral and spiritual standards in today's world. The most obvious place to reverse the trend toward spiritual decline is in the home - the ripest of all evangelistic opportunities. In the late twenties, a professional motivational speaker addressed a gathering of advertising executives. To their surprise these hard boiled businessmen found themselves listening to the speaker tell the Biblical story of Joseph - how he rose from the ashes of despair in the pit at Dothan to the pinnacle of success as the number two power broker in Egypt. Then came the punch line. He quoted Exodus 1:8, "There arose a new king which did not know Joseph."

Up to that point, his audience wondered how this old Bible story connected with the concerns of the advertising business. The speaker said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, every day the king dies and a new king takes his place." The new king does not know that Ivory Soap floats. It is the business of the advertising industry to tell the new king about your products."

In terms of sharing the gospel, the new king is born into our homes. The new king has never heard "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so."" The new king knows nothing of the Savior who died on the cross for our sins. The new king doesn't know anything about the "land where we'll never grow old." It's our job to tell the new king about these important things.

The home offers the greatest opportunity for communicating these treasured messages. Recent research confirms the truth that the family is still the most influential molder of moral and spiritual ideals.

To be effective molders of moral and spiritual ideas, parents must concentrate on the following priorities:

1. They must set an example.

   Jesus talked about those who see our good works and bring glory to the Father (Matthew 5:16). No one observes your life "up close and personal" quite like those who live in your home.

2. They must instruct.

   According to Ephesians 6:4, Fathers are the primary family teachers. There's no way to delegate that job downward

3. They must commit the gift of time.

   According to Deuteronomy 6:6-9, parental education in Israel took place in the context of everyday living. Parents had credibility because they were involved with their children throughout the day. You can't evangelize in the home unless you commit large blocks of time.

John Clayton is a science teacher at a public school in South Bend, Indiana. He also conducts seminars on apologetics around the nation and edits a thought provoking little magazine called Does God Exist? In the November-December issue, he wrote a short review of The Nurture Assumption. A portion of that review serves as a fitting conclusion to these thoughts.

There have been scores of professional challenges to Harris' book, but we would like to make two points about it. The first is a biblical notion. Solomon said, 'Train up a child in the way in which they should go and when they are old they shall not depart therefrom.' To evaluate children on the basis of the here and now is to totally miss the long-term influence of parents. The second point is that those of us who work as teachers know that kids who do not have parents are almost universally problems in our classrooms. In the 40 years that I have been teaching in a public high school, I have had literally hundreds of problem kids, and an astronomical percentage of those are kids from homes with no mother, no father, or no one at all.

(You can subscribe to John Clayton's magazine without costs. He also has numerous books, audio-cassette tapes, correspondence courses and video tapes which are either free or offered on a loan basis. For further information, send a "snail mail" letter to Does God Exist? 718 Donmoyer; South Bend, Indiana 46614-1999.)

By Mikal Frazier LMFT, LPC

Sometimes you see her there in our quaint little community. Maybe on a Sunday afternoon beside the Gazebo. Or possibly dashing from one of our cherished churches which warm the streets of our town. She always looks beautiful in her carefully chosen fashion, always full of hope and promise. And we all pause and gaze in her direction as a smile comes to our lips and we each feel a familiar tug at our hearts.

As a friend once remarked, "Everyone loves romance." But the glow seems to be all too short-lived. Some who study the behavior trends of our culture are now predicting up to a 67 % failure rate of recent first-time marriages.

We put a very heavy burden of great expectations on this increasingly fragile institution. We expect that this other person we choose for a mate will continually provide all the good things we have ever known and mend all the hurts we have ever experienced. This other person is "going to make me happy." Thus the young couple is set for a very predictable progression from great expectation to hurtful alienation.

Too often a great deal of pain is experienced and poured out on others around us before we come to the startling realization that one's experience of emotion is his own responsibility. Happiness is one's own choice. When that knowledge arrives, it brings with it a great sense of wholeness. With this freedom, the individual now has choices about how he will respond in relation to others. The only responsible option then is to build relationships instead of tearing them down.

David Schnarch, internationally renowned martial therapist, has the following piece by Peter McWilliams in the opening pages of his book, Constructing the Sexual Crucible.

I must conquer my loneliness alone.

I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer.

Two halves have little choice but to join;

And yes, they do make a whole

but two wholes when they coincide. . .

That is beauty.

That is love.

To put such maturity into action, decide (make a choice) that you will show kindness to someone whose behavior YOU BELIEVE does not warrant it. If you're really brave, try this behavior toward your spouse. For this act, you will be stronger, that is if you can keep the knowledge of your strength to yourself. To gloat in your strength would defeat the purpose and would not be an act of courage or strength or wholeness.

(Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She and her husband, Jim have three adult children and two grandchildren, whom they will gladly tell you about if you ask. Actually you don't even have to ask.)

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org