CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE "HUMOR HAS THE POWER TO ENHANCE FAMILY LIVING" (1)
• "PARENTING WITH FEAR AND TREMBLING" (2)
  by Mikal Frazier

Ann and I have just returned from Searcy, Arkansas where we spent a remarkable weekend sharing concepts of Christian marriage with several couples who came together at the Wyldewood Retreat Center. They confirmed our belief that many people are looking for ways of improving relationships and overcoming problems that have hindered their marriages. Sometimes we are so discouraged by the breakdown in modern families that we forget some people are really trying to build Christ centered homes. We also enjoued visiting face to face with more of our subscribers.

Some of you may not have gotten last week's newsletter. The newsletter is normally sent out by Listserv at Abilene Christian University. They lost their power supply for a couple of days last week and their entire e-mail system went down. We reverted to a more primitive means of sending out the newsletter, but it did not work perfectly. If you didn't get it and would like to have last week's issue, write to us at this address to request the issue.

Questions or comments about content should go to

Mikal is back with a follow-up on her article on parenting without fear. On our visit to Searcy, we heard many positive comments about Mikal's "Spirit Filled Wife" series. We feel most blessed to have her as a regular contributor.

Norman

by Norman Bales

I've accepted the fact that I have an incurable sense of humor, which is sometimes outlandish, sometimes bizarre, and sometimes hard to follow. Occasionally I push the limits of propriety, although I never intend to be cruel in my use of humor. Ann is a teaser and I've learned over the years that she only teases people that she holds in high regard. Her teasing is totally without malice.

The Bible actually teaches the therapeutic value of humor. According to Proverbs 17:22. "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up bones." There's a similar statement in Proverbs 15:13, "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit."

Humorless religion probably owes its origin to the Pharisees. They were masters of the pious look and the scowl on the face. They were rigid legalists who stood up so straight and stiff, they squeaked when they walked. In Mark 2, Jesus accepted the invitation of Levi to attend a little dinner party at his house. The Pharisees, stood around frowning and pointing fingers. They wanted to know, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners? "They couldn't figure out why John's disciples would fast while Jesus and his disciples were always going to potluck dinners. They thought there had to be something wrong with that. They ended up accusing him of being a drunk and a glutton. They thought you couldn't serve God unless you came across as a stern-faced, somber looking stick-in-the-mud, who looks more like a basset hound than a person. They were a crowd of jealous, religious stuffed shirts whose style and manner of living was truly nauseating.

A while back, I read an assessment of the twentieth century members of the Churches of Christ offered by a professor of sociology in a prominent university. He said, "The people of the Churches of Christ are honest, caring people but they don't have a sense of humor." Now I resent that, because he never interviewed me. If he would have, then I would have told him enough corny jokes to change his opinion. I'm not a Christian David Letterman, but I would like to suggest that we need to understand the difference between sobriety and cynicism. We need to recognize the fact that healthy humor and sadistic sarcasm aren't even in the same family. There's a difference between the clown and the humorist. Hopefully one can learn to display the quality of wit without sounding like he's only been endowed with a half quantity.

Married people shoulder serious responsibilities. Learning to over come differences in background and disposition is a formidable challenge. Learning to cope with family crises ranging from financial reverses to the loss of loved ones requires enormous coping skills. The burden is heavy, but a sense of humor can lighten it considerably.

The Bible never places a premium on gloom. Certainly it rebukes the laughter of a fool, but most of the Biblical warnings against laughter are warnings against laughter and lightheartedness at inappropriate times. Ecclesiastes 3:4, reminds us that there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Mentally ill people are sometimes heard to laugh. Their problem is not that they laugh, but that they laugh at inappropriate times. We could say the same thing about spiritually sick people. They often laugh about things when it's not appropriate to laugh. In Luke 6:25, Jesus says, "Woe to you who laugh now, for you will weep and mourn." These are people who really don't have anything to laugh about, so their laughter is inappropriate.

American sitcoms specialize in put down humor. Husbands and wives often belittle one another with unkind humorous repartee. The debates in British parliament may evoke a chuckle from those who enjoy observing a battle of wits, but they are scarcely models of decorum for serious dialogue in the home. The Golden Rule places put down humor beyond the scope of acceptable Christian dialogue.

by Mikal FrazierMA, MMFT, LMFT, LPC

The mother explained and then explained again how she and her husband had tried to encourage their five-year-old to behave and grow in the way of the Lord. Her explanation was the full text of the thousands of words she had said to her little boy. They had talked to him about what Jesus would want him to do, about how sad Jesus would be when he saw him misbehave, how hurt another child might be by his actions, how Mommie and Daddy were disappointed in him, how they knew he could make better choices, and if there was anything he did not understand they would be glad to explain it to him.

This narration must have contained literally 2000 words as the mother continued telling me all of the conversation they carried on with this child in order to get him to want to do better and follow their instructions. Unbeknownst to these loving, doting, parents, they had played right into their little darling's heart, or his hands or his manipulative little persona. And yes, five-year-olds can be manipulative. In fact it begins much younger than five. This wonderful little offspring knew exactly how to pull his parents' heartstrings. And pull he did.

Mother and Daddy handed it to him on a silver platter. What they handed him was the goal of his misbehavior -- ATTENTION. You see, we all do what works. And at some level this little boy knew that for a certain period of time he would have his mommie's undivided attention, by behaving in whatever way she had deemed unacceptable. This child would get plenty of strokes, negative though they may be. Negative strokes were still better than no strokes. So he learns to be quite successful in occupying his mommie, and therefore, he gets the pay-off.

Psychiatrist, Rudolf Dreikurs, identified four goals of misbehavior sought by struggling children. They are: attention, power, revenge and a display of inadequacy. In reaction to each of these goals the parent will have a particular emotional reaction as explained in Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay. It is this emotional reaction that reinforces the negative behavior for these little darlings. For this reason, I often tell parents, "Your child (no matter how old) is going for your emotional jugular vein." It is crucial that your child not be successful in his plot. Please do not misunderstand. This is not because your child is wicked and evil, but instead, he is feeling discouraged in getting his needs met in a positive manner. Therefore, he has learned to get his needs met in a negative way. But rewarding your child with your uncontrolled emotions is what will eventually lead him into a pattern of behavior for a lifetime.

The mother who gave such attention to her child was likely feeling somewhat annoyed by the child's continued disobedience. Feeling annoyed is a clue that the child is going for attention. When a child is looking for power the parent is going to feel angry and provoked. The parent will believe the child is defying his authority. If the child's goal is one of revenge, the parent will feel deeply hurt. In the goal of displaying inadequacy, the parent will react with a feeling of hopelessness and despair.

So what is a parent to do? Moms and Dads, you must give up the emotional reaction. Your child's misbehavior is a signal for the real parent to stand up. You see, your child has just given you an opportunity to teach him. Teaching is your most important task and he has literally asked for the lesson. The most important question for you to answer as a parent is, "What do I want my child to learn from this occasion?" Do you want your child to learn he can determine your mood for the day, that he can push your buttons and "make" you feel annoyed, angry, provoked, hurt or hopeless? Or do you want him to learn this is not appropriate behavior and there will be certain consequences and there is no pay-off? He also learns that Mom and Dad are up to the task of parenting, or he learns that Mom and Dad have no more clue about handling their emotions and behaviors than he does his.

Mom and Dad, when you react with your emotions, you have erased any opportunity for a response-able choice, either for you or for your child. Because you have reacted, any responsible response has gone out the window. And your child is left totally bewildered, because the buck stops with you. Your child's misbehavior began with negative emotions (feelings of discouragement) within the child. Negative emotions from the parent are not the remedy. Even more than alleviating his discouragement, he is looking to you for survival and guidance in survival skills. He needs to know that you have answers for his world. If you have the answers, you do not need to become annoyed, angry or vengeful toward your child. Don't get hooked.

When family members of an alcoholic go to some of the support groups offered to assist them in relating to their alcoholic relative, they are consistently taught to "love with detachment." I call it "not getting hooked." Of all the emotional reactions a parent can have when he is "hooked," anger is the most common and most destructive. Though anger can be a very valuable emotion, it loses its value when it becomes a common resort and tool in the process of parenting.

We become angry when we feel helpless, hopeless and threatened. As parents we are none of the above, but have many viable options which will be considered in a later article. We feel helpless, hopeless and threatened when we either forget about our options or we are not informed about them. And we resort to emoting. Mom and Dad, remember, your most important task is to teach. David Wilmes, in Parenting for Prevention, says that using anger in training your child "totally interferes with any educational capacity a consequence might have." Children will not learn from training accompanied by aggression and angry outbursts. Mom and Dad, love your children with detachment. In response to all four goals of misbehavior, Dinkmeyer and McKay encourage parents to remove themselves EMOTIONALLY from the conflict. (This does not mean to remove yourself, the parent, from the conflict, but to turn off your negative and aggressive emotions concerning the conflict.) Do not get hooked. Guide them without giving them their emotional pay-off. If they get the negative stroke they are looking for, no consequence can be powerful enough to stop a recurrence of the misbehavior. Mikal Frazier is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She and her husband Jim have three adult children and two grandchildren.

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org