CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• Featured Article: "COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE"
  Part 5 "Getting Our Baggage Unpacked"
  by Norman and Ann Bales
  
• Perceptions - "BLIND EYES"
  by Penney Nichols
  

I once visited the state of Washington shortly after the apple harvests. My generous hosts wanted to send me back home with Washington apples. I was allowed two pieces of checked baggage. I managed to cram all my clothes and other paraphernalia into one suitcase and apples in another. After I returned home, I emptied out the apples, but I could not get rid of the apple odor, which had penetrated the fabric lining of my suitcase. We finally decided that we couldn't get rid of it and discarded the suitcase. Many of us come into marriage with "smelly baggage." We don't seem to be able to rid ourselves of those portions of our pervasive parts of the baggage that offend our spouses. We seem to need some help in ridding ourselves of unwanted baggage. Today's feature study addresses that need.

Norman

"MARRIAGE COMMUNICATION"

Throughout our years of ministry we have worked with many couples in preparation for their wedding day. When Norman performs a marriage ceremony he requires a couple to go through at least six hours of counseling prior to the wedding. Through the years we have encountered a certain amount of reluctance to participation in counseling. One prospective bridegroom considered the requirement an insult to his integrity. However much resistance we may encounter when it comes to talking about plans for the marriage, we always see the conversation shift into an enthusiastic mode when we start talking about the ceremony. After doing this for many years, we are still amazed at the number of people who devote more energy and time to planning a thirty-minute ceremony than a lifetime marriage.

Unfortunately, we nearly always drag some unwanted baggage into the marriage relationship - baggage that we rarely even discuss prior to marriage.

1. The "Happily Ever After Myth."

   Let's make sure we understand where "the happily ever after" idea comes from. It's certainly not in the Bible. It is in fact an unrealistic expectation, "'And they lived happily ever after' is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It's tragic because it is a falsehood. It is a myth that has led generations to expect everything from marriage that is not possible." (Dr. Les Parrott III and Dr. Leslie Parrot, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts).

   The word "happy" is derived from the old English word "hap." It means to be "content with circumstances." You will not always be content with circumstances. In a marriage, you may have to deal with serious illness, financial difficulties, lengthy periods of separation as the result of job or military obligations, the loss of loved ones and various kinds of conflicts. You will not live through an unending period of contentment with circumstances.

   However, it is realistic to expect to be blessed. Ephesians 1:3 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ."

   It is realistic to expect to have peace. Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

   It is realistic to expect contentment. "I have learned to be content with whatever I have." (Philippians 4:11) 1 Timothy 6:6 "Of course, there is great gain in godliness combined with contentment." (NRSV)

2. We expect exactly the same things from marriage. "What we anticipated seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens - especially in marriage." - Les and Leslie Parrott.

   Why does it happen that way? Basically, there are two reasons:

   • Unspoken rules - example - Who carries out the garbage? Where will we spend holidays? What family traditions will we observe? How do you prepare beans? One newlywed couple both remembered how much they enjoyed a good pot of beans cooked in the crock-pot. These were fond memories from their childhood. The wife set about to prepare the beans. To the husband's dismay, she prepared dried pinto beans. He was assuming that a pot of beans mean "green beans." - Differing expectations; even a different definition of what is meant when you use the word "beans."

   • Unconscious roles. Who does the best job of planning? making decisions? shopping? keeping up with the family finances? keeping secrets? cooking? buying gifts? cleaning house? caring for the lawn? "Too many people miss the silver lining because they were expecting gold" - Maurice Seitter.

3. People expect marriage to right all previous wrongs, make all necessary personality adjustments and resolve all relationship difficulties.

   Generally speaking the "rites will not right him and the altar will not alter him" (or her for that matter).

   Over time some things often do improve in a relationship, but that can be balanced off by the fact that certain aspects of your partner's character don't always surface before marriage. Some of those characteristics might not be desirable ones.

4. Everything bad in my life will disappear. "No matter how glorious the institution of marriage, it is not a substitute for the difficult work of inner spiritual healing." (Les and Leslie Parrott).

   Marriage is, in actual fact, just a way of living. We didn't expect life to be a bed of roses before, so why do we expect that after marriage.

   "A healthy marriage becomes a place to wrap up unfinished business from childhood." - Harvell Hendrix, pastoral psychologist.

5. My spouse will make me whole.

   The old saying, "opposites attract" is based on the phenomenon that many individuals are drawn to people who complement them - who are good at things they are not, who complete them in some way.

   During the premarital period, we tend to view our prospective spouses as persons who will meet all our unmet needs. Rarely do we stop to realize the other person is thinking exactly the same thing.

   The book of Proverbs says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). Our incompleteness and differences give iron its roughness, it's sharpening power. Marriage is a God given way to improve and hone our beings. Marriage challenges us to new heights and calls us to be the best people we can possibly become. Neither marriage nor a new partner can make one whole or rid one of the baggage brought to marriage. We can work together to make our union strong but we have to work from within to make ourselves whole.

1. Low Self-Regard

2. Neglect

3. Background

4. Life Perception

5. Selfishness

6. Poor Conflict Management Skills

1. Start with taking a more objective look at yourself.
   "Equal to the importance of the need for love is the need that we are worthwhile both to ourselves and others . . . If we do not feel worthwhile, we will suffer as acutely as when we fail to love and be loved." William Glasser, Reality Therapy.

   How do you overcome the baggage of low self-regard? Brag on yourself? Take a course in assertiveness training? Become a hypercritical person who always finds fault with others in an attempt to make yourself look good? Self-righteousness? We all know those things don't work. Dr. Robert Rigdon offers a much better approach to overcoming negative self-regard. He said,

   "Self esteem is usually fulfilled in relationship to others. We are dependent, but we are not helpless. When people verbally and/or nonverbally prize, praise, honor, respect us, we have our need for self respect replenished."

2. Unpack "neglect" through proactive communication.

   You can improve the quality of your relationship almost immediately if you will just sit down some evening and talk about things like:

   What are the activities, conditions, places, people that: Excite you? Calm you? Free you? Bring you joy? Support you? Nurture you? Stimulate you? Challenge you? Give you meaning? Make you laugh? Energize you? (Source: Richard Kruse. Toronto, Canada).

3. Don't let your background trap you.

   One of the popular buzzwords used to describe families these days is the term dysfunctional. All of us probably come from dysfunctional families. We are dysfunctional to varying degrees. Our parents, our childhood traumas, our poor role models, our own sins may have contributed to poor behavior patterns, but we are not imprisoned by those patterns. We are a new creation in Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:17). God's Spirit lives within us and by his Spirit we have the power to "put to death the misdeeds of the body" (Romans 8:13). As free people in Christ, we live with the daily challenge to rise above conformity to this world and to live transformed lives (Romans 12:2). We are not slaves to the past. We are not victims. We are empowered by God to overcome negative backgrounds and dysfunctional behavior patterns.

4. We can choose a positive perception of life.

   Life may have dealt some hard blows in the past and probably will again. We have a friend who says "You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be." Paul found contentment despite imprisonment."(Philippians 4:11). The key to his approach to life was thought control. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." (Philippians 4:8).

   Give her thorns, she'll find roses,
   Give her sand, she'll find the sea,
   Give her rain, she'll find the rainbow,
   Just see the love, she's found in me.

5. Get outside yourself.

   The greatest cost in unpacking your baggage was described by the apostle Paul in Philippians 2:3-4, when he said, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

   Whether your marriage mess involves infidelity, neglect, miscommunication, abuse, unfulfilled expectations, lack of appreciation, lack of quality time spent together, failure to share work responsibilities, in-law troubles, financial problems or anything else that weakens the quality of your relationship, the biggest challenge to your relationship involves your willingness to do what Paul talked about in Philippians 2:3-4.

   Norman recalls a pivotal time in his life.

   I will never forget the date. It was leap year and February 29 fell on a Sunday. The pulpit minister was gone. I was the educational minister for the church and usually preached on the Sunday when he was away. But the elders thought the youth minister ought to have a shot at the pulpit once in awhile, so they let him have that Sunday night. He was not a polished speaker, but I still remember what he preached on. He preached on "Dying to Self." Ann was at home with the flu that night, so she didn't hear the sermon. I was deeply moved by his message. I was especially touched with his reference to 1 Corinthians 15:31, where Paul said, "I die every day." I decided that was what I was not doing. I was not dying to myself on a daily basis. I went forward and asked for the prayers of the church because I needed strength that I didn't have to be able to do that. I won't say that I've never let self live since that time, but at least I became aware that self was controlling me and it was killing my marriage. The costliest, most painful lesson I've ever had to learn is dying to self. It's a lesson I'm still in the process of learning, but I've learned enough of it to know that it pays tremendous rewards.

6. Work on developing productive conflict management skills.

   Even in a good marriage, there will be offenses, misunderstandings and disagreements. We all have the need to forgive and to be forgiven. Let me once again emphasize the principle that what the scriptures say about relationships in general, normally has application in marriage. With respect to forgiveness, husbands and wives who want to strengthen their marriages need to live by the standards of Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

   We watched a special television presentation about Roy Rogers, which was shown shortly after his death. The program included a segment dealing with his marriage to Dale Evans. He stated that when they first married they made the decision to never go to bed angry or upset with each other. No matter what was going on they took the time to work through the disagreement and one or both of them would say, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me." That is a great example for all of us to follow.

   Minirith and Meier in their book Happiness is a Choice suggest that forgiveness is essential to human happiness. Forgiveness is not necessarily the immediate elimination of negative feelings. Forgiveness is an act of the will. From the day we marry, if we are realistic, we will recognize that conflicts will occur. If you want a happy, healthy, growing marriage, from day one you need to resolve to be a forgiving person.

   CONCLUSION

   Too often we allow ourselves to be restricted by walls that don't exist. A man decided to pour his goldfish into a bathtub full of water. The goldfish were used to swimming around in small circles. In the bathtub, they were no longer restricted to their small container, but they still swam around in the circles the size of their home. They never realized they had more freedom. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be tied to the baggage of the past and we increase the level of hostility in our marriages because we feel we are tied to the baggage. As free men and women in Christ, we are no longer chained to negative memories and events. There are no limits on what we can overcome. "I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13).

   * * * * *

   PERCEPTIONS

   "Blind Eyes"

   by Penney Nichols

   Several years ago I spent an afternoon looking at paintings in an art gallery. While I was studying one of the intriguing paintings, a lady from the gallery walked up to me and asked, "Are you a Bev Doolittle fan?" I had never heard of Bev Doolittle, but I soon discovered that she is a world famous artist who paints a picture inside a picture. With a little coaching, I stood back and soon discovered the hidden picture. In the beginning my eyes had been blinded to part of the portrait the artist intended me to see. Sometimes our eyes are blinded to realities the Divine Creator wants us to see. You can read Penney Nichols' thoughts on that subject

   at
   http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep32.html

   If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies.org

   Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org