CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• Featured Article: "COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE"
  Part 6 "You've Got to Have the Right Parts"
  by Norman and Ann Bales
  
• Perceptions - "Make Me a Servant"
  by Mark Pugh
  

Ann and I have a great marriage. We're not just blowing smoke when we say that. Our marriage has survived some rocky moments. We've both committed some colossal blunders. We've had to learn how to forgive and rebuild. The sixth section of our Marriage Communication study involves component parts of a successful marriage. We've borrowed terminology from Dr. Truman Esau's book, Making Marriage Work. Actually you could probably put other labels on these concepts, but Dr. Esau is onto something. You can't have a successful marriage or open marriage communication without these components.

Norman

"MARRIAGE COMMUNICATION"

Marriages, like people, come in all colors, shapes and personality styles. It is the quality of the bond between the two partners, and what happens on the basis of that bond, that matters. Can we look at a couple and predict that they will have a healthy marriage?

Dr. Truman Esau in his book Making Marriage Work says that overthe years he has come to realize four elements that characterize a healthy marriage. They are: empathy, valuing, loyalty and sexuality. According to Easu, the presence and quality of these four factors determine the essential quality of the marriage.

Let's look at each of these elements and see how and why they are vital to a healthy marriage.

• Empathy

  What is empathy? (Synonyms-compassion, fellow feeling) Empathy is feeling what the other person feels or at least it's an approximation of feeling what the other person feels. Esau called it "temporary identification - a process that takes far longer to describe than to occur. When you're watching American football games on television this fall, take a good look at a field goal play especially one that's extremely long when the game's on the line. After the kick is over, viewers often see a replay of the coach's reaction. If his player has been successful, the coach will break out in a grin. He may throw his arms up in the air in joyous celebration. Let's say the kick just hits the crossbar and bounces back. This time the camera focuses on the anguish of the coach. He doesn't participate in either play, but he feels the emotions of his players. That's empathy.

  We practice empathy in dozens of ways. We all send out non- verbal signals to indicate our feelings and the empathetic person learns to read them - a blush, a frown, a tight lip, folded arms, even tears. We respond to those cues even when we are unaware of what we are responding to. Some people call this recognition intuition or gut-level feelings and want to dismiss it as unreliable. Of course we can misread those subtle forms of communication, but we are apt to lie more with our lips than we do with our non-verbal signals.

  It is this kind of empathy that enables a mother to understand her child. Even the newborn infant communicates inner experiences and feelings both vocally and through body language. If you don't believe this just spend some time watching the different ways a baby let's the parents know what they need. The mother can know the difference between an "ache" cry, a "hungry" cry and a "mad" cry. You probably won't be able to do that, but she is empathetic toward her child. It is interesting to note that God uses this illustration to describe his empathy toward us. In Isaiah 66:19 he says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." As the infant develops physically and emotionally, the empathy becomes a two way street.

  In marriage, partners learn to read each other's non-verbal signals and respond to each other on the basis of those readings. Each partner learns to feel with the other and arrive at an educated guess as to what he or she is experiencing. Many husbands and wives can tell from the sound of a footstep, the way the front door is closed, or how a coat is hung up (or not hung up) what kind of day a spouse had.

  We have been married almost 40 years. It would be difficult to say when we first noticed we could pick up on one another's cues and respond accordingly. One of us can start a sentence and the other might finish it. We might even be thinking something and the other one respond to what was being thought. It is spooky sometimes, but neat. That is what is meant by empathy in the deepest sense.

  What we've just talked about is really only the first step in using empathy effectively. The second step is to use communication to clarify what you are only guessing is the other partners feelings. Many times trouble occurs as a result of the couple stopping at the first stage and not moving on to the verbal communication stage. You've got to check out those gut-level feelings.

• Valuing

  Esau wrote, "Empathy is powerful. It can be used as a tool or a weapon. It can either build trust or instill fear, depending on how it is used. We can use our reading of another either to gain advantage over that person or to discover how I might best help him or build a friendship with him."

  When I truly consider my spouse's feelings as important as my own, I will use empathy to support the relationship rather than wound it. It was this kind of valuing that the Apostle Paul was recommending when he wrote, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4).

  When empathy is communicated in positive ways and care is demonstrated toward spouse relationship, it fosters trust. Both partners need this. No matter how much in love we are when we marry, we enter the relationship with a sense of mistrust and a vulnerability that frightens us when we learn that the other partner might know what is going on inside of me.

  If we respect our mates and take the time to communicate and handle feelings with care then we can feel safe. This grants a freedom to explore our inner feelings and trust that we won't be judged by intuition and that it is safe to just be "me."

  Empathy is a skill that grows as it is used and as each partner takes the risk both of checking out assumptions and of letting the other in on what actually is going on inside. When a husband and wife use it in a way that treasures and cares for each other's personhood, it strengthens the bond between them as it clears up areas of misunderstanding and mistrust.

• Loyalty

  Loyalty is vital to any successful marriage. With the exception of God, your marriage partner is the most important person in your life. That's inherent in the marriage vows when we promise to "forsake all others." Unfortunately we don't always do it. If loyalty is measured in terms of priority, sometimes a husband's golfing buddies are more important to him than his wife. Sometimes children are more important to a wife than her husband. Some husbands are treated like drones. They are made to feel they have no practical value after birth has taken place.

  We all have an urgent need to believe that no matter what happens, we hold the distinction of having top priority in the minds of our spouses. After serveral years of marriage and being put on the "back burner" so to speak, while Norman spent many hours teaching others, helping others with their problems and rarely being around to help with the children and be involved in their activities, Ann did not feel like she had priority in his life. She didn't feel important at all.

  At some point in our marriage relationship, we will probably test each other's loyalty. Testing may take place in a confrontation in which we can get our mistrust out in the open. Sometimes it takes a painful experience of airing hurt feelings, doubts, and misunderstandings, and there is always the risk that in the end we will be misunderstood and rejected. Many times, though, it is more painful and frightening to confront, so we run away or do unwise things, which makes the problem worse. But if a husband and wife really have priority with each other, that truth will become evident to both parties and there shouldn't be the need for a major confrontation. Remember that "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" and that is true in every area of life, but especially in the marriage relationship.

  When conflicts and problems arise, there is no substitute for a husband and wife plumbing the question of their importance to each other. When one or the other is inclined to give their first allegiance to someone or something else, they need to go back and look at how important their spouse really is to them.

• SEXUALITY

  A lifelong marriage with sexual faithfulness to one spouse is the Christian norm, and for good reason. Sexuality flows naturally from the question of loyalty; the sexual relationship is the tangible statement that each is Number One with the other. And there can be no other. This is the fourth element of a healthy marriage. We will discuss the ramifications of the sexual bonds in a future study.

Good marriages don't just happen. They are the result of constant attention to those dynamics which make it grow. There is no way to short cut around these "right parts." All satisfactory married couples will work on developing empathy, valuing, loyalty and their sexual bond throughout their mutual lifetimes.

by Mark Pugh

Someone has said that people tend to be more interested in the services they can command than in the service they perform. Servanthood is not a popular topic, but it lies at the heart of the Christian faith. Mark Pugh shares some significant insights on this important subject

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies.org

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org