CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• Featured Article: "COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE"
  Part 7 "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT A CHRIST CENTERED MARRIAGE?"
  by Norman and Ann Bales
  
• Perceptions - "The Invasion"
  by Norman Bales
  

Every moment of time you spend with family is precious. It's important to take the fullest advantage of the time we have been given to deepen and strengthen our relationships. Many years ago, my father hung a crudely lettered sign on the wall. It read, "Christ is the head of this home." Hanging a sign on the wall doesn't make it so, though it can well serve as a constant reminder. What does it take to have a Christ centered marriage? We invite you to consider our thoughts on the subject and communicate your own ideas back to us through e-mail messages.

Norman

"MARRIAGE COMMUNICATION"

"It doesn't take much sophistication to know that coloring and complexion are the results of biology, not spirituality. Neither hair color nor skin tone has very much to do with success for failure in life. When it comes to describing relationships, however, we are not always so sophisticated. To hear some Christians tell it, Christian marriages are always beautiful and unblemished; only non-Christian marriages have scars. Likewise, Christian marriages always have a happy ending; non-Christian relationships are doomed before they start." - Truman Esau. Making Marriage Work.

WHAT IS YOUR FIRST RESPONSE TO THAT STATEMENT?

History of a 42 year old marriage.

To make a point regarding the previous statement Dr. Esau tells about Henry and Sarah. They have married 42 years, seemed to have a continuing romance and are the envy of their friends and acquaintances. They are highly respected by grown children, enjoy a productive retirement and work at staying fit and active. They are volunteers for charitable organizations, friendly, hospitable and devoted to each other. They would be the first to tell you their marriage is not problem free, but say it is by no means a disaster either. Many folks would think Esau was describing an ideal couple. He suggested the couple themselves would respond negatively to that evaluation. They are both agnostics.

Why do they have a seemingly stable, happy and lasting relationship even though they are not Christians? They embody Christian ideals, are committed to each other, and are unselfish toward each other and in other relationships. Matthew 5:45 says, the One who sends 'rain on the righteous and the unrighteousness' designed marriage in such a way that, as it conforms to his original intentions, it will be loving and fruitful and a blessing to both spouses." Remember marriage predates the church and Christ's entry into our world. Marriage is a God ordained institution but it is not a Christian institution. Adam and Eve did not have the advantage of Christ's example.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE?

• General Characteristics of Healthy Marriages

Some of the characteristics of a healthy marriage were discussed in our previous study. They are:

1. Empathy

2. Valuing

3. Loyalty

4. Sexuality

Let's look at some of the characteristics of the 42-year-old non-Christian marriage:

1. Healthy background

2. Personal strengths

3. Devotion to the relationship

4. Good physical health

5. Involvement in community life outside the home

6. Hospitality

These are all signs of a healthy marriage but these people have no Christian background or foundation from which these were drawn. So where did they inherit these characteristics?

In Nick Stinett's research on healthy families, he discovered the following common characteristics of healthy families.

1. They express appreciation for each other. Every person who lives has the need to be appreciated. When this need is intentionally satisfied in the family, the family becomes a reservoir for replenishing our feeling of inadequacy when we are made to feel unworthy through our contacts with those who dump negative messages on us. In every marriage, it is necessary to deal with negative matters, but a pattern of fault finding inevitably erodes the relationship. (See Matthew 7:1-3) From his experiences in marriage counseling, Royce Money writes, "Every troubled couple had ceased to see the good and beautiful in their partners. But rest assured that each was an expert on what was wrong with the other." (Building Stronger Families. P. 19)

2. They develop a workable communication system, which means they have a firm commitment to the family that is more important than any one issue over which they may disagree.

3. They spend time together. They enjoy recreational activities together. When children are involved in competitive games, school plays or concerts, the entire family is supportive.

4. They have a commitment to religious values (not necessarily Christian, but they have strong ideas about right and wrong).

5. They deal positively with crises. The family becomes a support system when deep pain and sorrow invades their tranquility.

• What makes a marriage Christian?

Some distinctively Christian aspects of marriage include:

1. Patience (Romans 12:12; 1 Corinthians 13:4; Ephesians 4:2).

2. Forgiveness (Matthew 6:14; 15; Ephesians 4:32).

3. Healthy handling of anger (Ephesians 4:26;31; Colossians 4:8; James 1:19-20).

4. Positive attitudes (Ephesians 4:22-24).

5. Common values (1 Corinthians 1:10).

• How does a proper relationship with God enhance our relationship with our mates?

1. It provides the context in which healthy dynamics take place. We can trust God's love and be assured that he will not let us down (Hebrews 13:5; 1 Peter 5:6-7). He provides us the resources we need in order to continue working at giving ourselves to each other. (2 Peter 1:3). God's forgiveness provides the model for us to forgive each other. (Ephesians 4:32). Christ's love is the reference point for unity between husband and wife (Ephesians 2:1-2).

2. It presents us with goals and objectives that are beyond ourselves. (Matthew 16:24)

3. "In him we have common values which provide the foundation for a marriage that will stand when other props such as feelings, circumstances or whatever else may have motivated their marriage fails." Esau. p. 84

4. Does our allegiance to God ever threaten a truly healthy marriage? In an e-mail message, a lady recently sent us the following observation about marriages in the church she attends. "In our church, the married people appear so scary, imbalanced and dysfunctional most of the time." Sometimes an aggrieved spouse will argue that Christianity drive a wedge between two married couple and caused them to part ways. There's an old saying, "Sitting in a church house doesn't make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a hen house makes you a chicken." It's possible that the marriages she is observing aren't really Christian marriages at all. If they were, how could they be lacking in patience, forgiveness, anger control, positive attitude and devotion to common values. It's also possible that she's looking at marriages among people who are indeed devoted to Christ, but who still need to grow in grace and knowledge much more than they have.

It is impossible to demonstrate love for God without demonstrating compassion for others. In fact we show our love for God in the way we treat others. This includes our spouses (1 John 4:19-20). Reading the Bible, saying prayers, attending church, being involved in church ministry does not guarantee a healthy Christian marriage. You can do all those things and be quite dysfunctional in your relationships. On the other hand, if Christ really lives in you (Galatians 2:20), your Christ-like demeanor will result in improved relationships if both of you truly seek to submit to Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)

CONCLUSION

Marriage is not actualized by performance but by relationships. Recently, we heard of a couple who claim to be deeply devoted to the Lord, but who just as adamantly insisted that they cannot live together. We reject the validity of such a claim. We know many other people who have very little in common with each other, but who rise above their differences because of a mutual commitment to God. Our commitment to God is demonstrated by the way that we treat each other. If we can't treat one another with decency and respect, then our walk with God is defective, no matter how much we may profess to love God. "When the relationship to God is central and all encompassing, we are free to welcome each other as the Number One person in our lives, knowing that our relationship ultimately depends not on each other, but on God himself. Their commitment to each other is anchored by their commitment to him." (Esau. p. 94).

by Norman Bales

Someone has said that people tend to be more interested in the services they can command than in the service they perform. Servanthood is not a popular topic, but it lies at the heart of the Christian faith. Mark Pugh shares some significant insights on this important subject

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies.org

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org