CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• Featured Article: "COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE"
  Part 8 "Strangers in Many Ways""
  by Norman and Ann Bales
  
• Perceptions - "Family Values"
  by Mark Pugh
  

It's hard to believe we are almost to the end of September. We are rapidly moving toward the close of the decade, the century and the millennium. Before you write me letters of correction, let me assure you that I already know the millennium doesn't actually change until 2001, but I'm playing the game with everybody else. Actually our method of marking time is an arbitrary thing. It's not 1999 on everybody's calendar, but you have to admit that the prospect of no longer being able to say "In the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and ______" is something we're not used to.

The massive preparations for the time when the starting date of the year is a 2 instead of a 1 is a reminder of how fast time goes by. I was reminded of the swiftness of time's passage while going through some old photographs the other day. I found one of my pictures that was taken in 1949, exactly fifty years ago. As a fourteen-year-old boy, I couldn't imagine living in the year 2,000.

Two songs from different genres come to mind. Country singer, Tracy Lawrence sings somewhat philosophically about time in his song, "Time Marches On." A gospel hymn writer, the late Tillit S. Teddlie reminded us "Swiftly we're turning life's daily pages." So what does all this musing about time have to do with marriage and family?

Speaking of time, we haven't heard from Mikal Frazier in quite a while. If you read the newsletter regularly, you know that Mikal has faced some enormous family problems. Her father died last spring after a long illness. Her mother has been very seriously ill for several months. Her care has made it difficult for Mikal to find time to write. The Lord willing, her thoughts will return to this newsletter next week. We're going to take a brief break from the marriage communication series and focus on Mikal's return. I know you'll be looking forward to it.

Norman

"MARRIAGE COMMUNICATION"

The motion picture industry's academy award song for 1971 was titled, "For All We Know" - made popular by the Carpenters. The lyrics speak of a couple standing on the threshold of their relationship.

And so it is with every couple who enters into marriage. The desire to know and to be known is fundamental to any satisfactory relationship, but how much do you tell? Is there anything that remains uncovered? Before attempting an answer, let's focus on some Biblical principles.

Psalm 90:8 "You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence."

Proverbs 10:9 "The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out."

Proverbs 11:3 "The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity."

Proverbs 27:5, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love."

Proverbs 28:13 "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

2 Corinthians 4:2 " Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God."

2 Corinthians 7:2 " Make room for us in your hearts. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have exploited no one."

2 Corinthians 8:21 "For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men."

Hebrews 13:18 "Pray for us. We are sure that we have a clear conscience and desire to live honorably in every way."

Two children are playing in the back yard. One says to the other, "I know something you don't." When you heard that as a child, how did it make you feel?

You share lunch with a trusted friend. During the lunch your friend says, "I want to tell you something I've never told anyone else." How does that make you feel?

We won't be able to be successful in the enterprise of marriage communication until we are at ease with each other in the handling of secrets. "In the process of marital bonding, a man and a woman becoming one, the management of secrets plays an important role. - Truman Esau. Making Marriage Work. p. 98. We are defining a secret as " . . . anything that is emotionally significant to both husband and wife, but which is hidden by one from the other."

Choosing to keep a secret may sometimes either enhance or hinder marital harmony.

• Keeping a secret hinders a relationship when the intent is to deceive our partner. Deception is often based on the premise that "what she/he doesn't know doesn't hurt him/her? What's wrong with that? It violates the spirit of Romans 12:17. "Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. " R. C. Sproul tells the story of a golf experience. His wife asked him if he had a good time on the golf course. He did. Then she asked, "How much money did you spend?" He gave an exact accounting of green fees, caddy fees, new golf ball and the price of a lesson from a pro. She said, "We can't afford the lessons from the pro." A few weeks later, he was on the golf course again and started thinking how much it would improve his golf game if he had just two or three more lessons." He made arrangements for three more lessons, but he didn't tell his wife. He told the pro not to send any bills to his house, but the pro forgot to tell the secretary and his wife got the bill. Should she feel like a deceived spouse?

• Keeping a secret may help a relationship if the revelation causes unnecessary pain for one's spouse. Some people subscribe to the "regurgitation theory of honesty, which means I must reveal every mean spirited, nasty thought that I have in an effort to "be honest." Sometimes critical and hurtful thoughts pass through one's mind in a moment of anger. Those thoughts don't represent our true feelings or the level of our commitment. The verbalization of every fleeting, irrational angry thought really doesn't enhance the marriage relationship.

1. In adolescence we worked on separating ourselves from our families to establish our own identities as persons. One way we did that was to keep secrets from them. - eg. "What happened at school today? " We answered "Oh nothing." Never mind that there was an explosion in the chemistry lab and you were called into the principal's office and questioned about it. We leave behind the world of adolescence and its secrets, then we enter a relationship where we are expected to reveal secrets, so it becomes a painful growing process.

2. We are too busy. Secret sharing requires time and to be done effectively, some "set up" time, so that we can establish a mood of trust, but we're too busy going here and there to be involved with mood creating. Of course there is also the possibility that we are using "busyness" as an excuse to keep from having to share threatening secrets.

3. Guilt. We bear a load of guilt from our past history. We don't want to bring up the unpleasant memories. We fear that our partner may reject us if we tell what we really did.

4. Insecurity. We fear we won't be loved if the truth is really known.

1. In courtship. Courtship is a time when we are getting acquainted with each other. In a healthy courtship, the two partners gradually reveal a little more of themselves to each other as the relationship continues. It is only as they begin to understand some of the potentially threatening aspects of their relationship that the decision to marry is made. It is unrealistic to expect a marriage to be formed without the revelation of some negative secrets.

2. In marriage. Most of the time, all the secrets do not come out in courtship. In marriage, it should be our goal to become more transparent. Dr. Willard Harley recommends total honesty. "Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know, your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future." "The Rules of Honesty for a Successful Marriage." by Willard Harley.

   It is important to work on revealing secrets because "whatever remains is a hidden cavity that threatens the structural soundness of the marriage."

   In Paul Tournier's book, Escape from Loneliness, he wrote, "Such a step seemed impossible to me. I felt I would lose her confidence. It is one thing to speak on the level of ideas, and it is an altogether different thing to speak of one's soul. When I took this step, my wife answered me, 'Now I can be of some help to you!' And she opened up to me in return. We had found the meaning of fellowship."

3. Timing is everything. Most of us will find that self-disclosure is an ongoing process that may take a lifetime to complete. It is probably unrealistic to think that we are going to be able to totally reveal ourselves in one session of secret sharing. It is important to take advantage of those special moments when the sharing opportunity is at its optimum. How do you decide when to share secrets and when to keep the door to the treasury of secrets locked? "It is important to distinguish between secrets revealed in the course of every day life and secrets revealed in the context of an established trusting, effective therapeutic alliance." (Breechen and Faulkner. Marriage Seminar). At the most basic level, our secrets involve not just situations and experiences but the thoughts and feelings that surround those experiences and make us who we are.

1. It is not enough to verbalize secrets.

2. If you want your spouse to "open up" more, you must create a climate in which the spouse understands that it is safe to open those doors that have long been shut, locked and diligently guarded.

3. You must regard your partner's secrets as equal in value and sensitivity as your own.

4. If your partner should reveal a secret to you, it should remain a secret between the two of you.

5. Learn from negative experiences.

6. Don't share too much too soon.

7. Remember that a secret is often felt before it is known.

8. Understand that expressing feelings is not the same thing as expressing opinions.

9. Practice tactful self-disclosure.

10. Stay away from the extreme of refusing to share any kind of potentially threatening information on the one hand and the "regurgitation theory of honesty" on the other hand.

"The process of bonding between husband and wife as they let each other in on their secrets is a participation in the very nature and purposes of God. In a future day we shall know even as we are known by God (1 Corinthians 13:12). In this life, we can begin to experience the freedom of stepping out from behind our relationships with others and particularly with our mate. In marriage, we have an opportunity as in no other relationship to begin revealing the mystery of who we are." (Truman Esau. p. 110).

by Mark Pugh

The church can be thought of as the family of God. The implications of the family concept of the church are enormous in terms of our willingness to serve each other, forgive each other and enjoy one another. You can read Mark Pugh's thoughts on this subject

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies.org

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org