"YOU'RE NOT THE MAN/WOMAN I MARRIED"

1. Can you identify changes that have taken place in your expectations, communication style, habits and behavior patterns since you got married?
2. Which changes were positive and which ones were negative?
3. How did you react to your spouse when you observed changes?

We will attempt to address those questions as we explore the changes that take place in marriage.

Change inevitably affects the marriage relationship.

We all enter marriage with certain expectations, hopes and dreams. Many of these dreams are reasonable and completely in line with God's Word. Problems arise when we have unreasonable or unscriptural desires, when our motives are self-centered, or when we develop strategies that are self-serving. Barbara Streisand once asked, "Why does a woman spend ten years trying to change her husband and then complain, 'you're not the man I married?'"

Here is a list common expectations among married couples?

1. Marriage will meet my need for affection and sexual intimacy.
2. Marriage will meet my need for companionship.
3. Marriage will meet my need for family.
4. Marriage will meet my need for conversation.
5. Marriage will meet my need for financial security.
6. Marriage will meet my need for social acceptance.
7. Marriage will meet my need to leave my parents.
8. Marriage will change my spouse and the undesirable characteristics will
   disappear.
9. Marriage will allow me to continue all my relationships I had with my friends
   before marriage in exactly the same way, but I will have the added benefit of
   having a spouse to come home to when I finish doing things with my friends.
   
10. Marriage will meet my need to feel important.
11. Marriage will fulfill my desire to exercise authority over others.
12. Marriage will eliminate all my insecurities and doubts.

What generally happens when we set out to change our partners?

There's a story in Greek mythology about a robber named Procrustes. Procrustes owned an iron bed. His guests were permitted to sleep in it. There was one slight problem. Procrustes expected his guests to fit his bed. If they were too short to fit the bed, he would have their bodies stretched until they fit it. If they were too tall to fit the bed, he cut their legs off so they would fit the bed. Obviously, you don't want to accept the hospitality of a man like Procrustes, even if he honors your Visa Card, gives you a fifty percent discount and offers a free Continental breakfast. Unfortunately husbands and wives often devise an imaginary Procrustean bed for their spouses. Shortly after they take the "Just Married" sign off the car, married couples attempt to alter their spouses to fit their own Procrustean ideals. Most of us are not compliant when that happens. Here are some responses that typically take place.

1. Our efforts are met with stiff resistance.
2. We become disappointed when we realize the changes we desired aren't taking place.
3. We feel shortchanged in the relationship because things didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
4. We become preoccupied with our partner's shortcomings.
5. We long for the single life again.
6. We distance ourselves from our partners.
7. We begin a pattern of projection and blaming.
8. We come to realize that our dreams and hopes for change were unrealistic.
9. We start complaining and nagging.
10. Irritating behaviors that we tolerated in courtship are now magnified in importance.

How can we conform to God's expectations for marriage?(See 1Corinthians 7:33-34; Philippians 2:1-4; 2 Corinthians 11:2).

• Painful changes in marriage.

• Disillusionment. Students of marriage dynamics almost universally conclude that most, if not all marriages pass through stages of disillusionment. Sometimes it happens on the honeymoon. It can even take place when couples are in their 70s and 80s.

• Motivation. Some couples marry for the wrong reasons. Examples include marrying to get away from parents, marrying for a career advantage, marrying to overcome some kind of behavior failure, marrying to find someone who will give much needed approval. What should we do when we discover that our motives were not totally honorable when we married?(See Matthew 19:6; Romans12: 1-2).

• Behavior. Destructive, sinful patterns of behavior often emerge. These include nagging criticism (Proverbs 21:1); uncontrolled anger (Proverbs 22:24), self-centeredness (Phil 2:1-4), rudeness (1 Corinthians 13:5).

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK - "Strategies for Coping with Change"

Philippians 2:1-4 (NIV) -- "If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Colossians 3:12 (NIV) -- "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

The compassion: The Enhanced Strong's Lexicon interprets this word in Philippians 2 as "persuasive address" with "brotherly love, affection, good will, love, benevolence."

The crucible: This is a vessel in which change takes place. A metamorphosis occurs. A crucible may refer to a vessel in which materials are heated to a high temperature for the purpose of change. The American Heritage Dictionary also defines this word as "a severe test or trial."

When we choose to love as God has commanded us, we place ourselves in a crucible. Probably more accurately, we place our hearts in a crucible. Sometimes it is very difficult to love as God has called us to love, to have compassion as he has called us to have compassion. This is the test. This is the trial. This is the perfecting process, to choose to continue to love in difficult circumstances. The focus is not on self, but on the other.

If you look at all the times the Bible uses the word "compassion," more times than not in the context you will also find restoration, forgiveness, grace or mercy. Each of these words has to do with restoring or retaining relationships. And when we forgive, offer grace or show mercy, the balance in the relationship is not an issue. Fairness becomes a moot point. What is "right" is no longer a consideration. This does not negate the necessity to point out sin, but the manner in which even sin is handled is to be bathed in compassion (Galatians 6:1).

This is dying to self. It is only when we choose to die to self and become others-oriented that we really begin to reap the peace God has promised. The paradox is that when we turn loose of trying to get something for ourselves, stop trying to protect ourselves, and begin to give to others, that truly is when we begin to be flooded with the love and joy and peace that is promised.

It is when we give grace to others, that we come to know and appreciate and enjoy the grace we have received. It is when we give mercy and kindness to others, that we experience the mercy and kindness we have already received. Now notice, there is no promise that when we give to others, we will receive the same from others. But when we do give mercy, grace and kindness to others, it is then we become aware of what God has given us already.

Choosing to "clothe" ourselves with compassion is the choice of the crucible. It is the choice to stay with a difficult situation offering "compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (Colossians 3:12)" in the face of hatred, unkindness, pride, harshness and wrathful impatience.

David was called "a man after God's own heart." David chose the crucible of compassion over and over in his dealings with Saul. Over and over David referred to Saul as the Lord's anointed. David refused to do battle with Saul because Saul was the "Lord's anointed" (1 Samuel 24:6). Today, we are the "Lord's anointed" (1 John 2:20). David's relationship with the Lord's anointed was not negotiable at any price. He gave him compassion.

When we have difficulty having compassion for others, it is because we have some deep core hurt inside ourselves. This core hurt prevents us from having compassion for ourselves. That is our problem. We heal the core hurt by depending on the worth given us by Jesus. When we depend on that gift, then we can crawl into the crucible, and give the compassion Jesus prescribed and lived. As we give compassion to others, we give it to ourselves and the core hurts are replaced with His healing power.

• Compassion is others oriented.
• Compassion protects relationships.
• Compassion makes 1 Corinthians 13 doable.
• Compassion is Satan's greatest enemy.
• Compassion brings peace.