"YOU'RE NOT THE MAN/WOMAN I MARRIED"

1. Delay. According to an old Chinese proverb, "Of the 37 ways of dealing with a crisis, running away is the best." We tend to believe that if we ignore a problem, it will eventually resolve itself. Sometimes our problems do go away, but the feelings persist. They may well show up in the next crisis. "Couples who try to deny limitations and problems end up with a backlog of unresolved issues just waiting to burst out when a crisis comes along that refuses to be denied. The marriage can buckle under their weight." (Esau. p 126).

2. Blaming; projection. Many people deal with their unhappiness by trying to lay their problems at someone else's doorstep. There are many handy candidates - marriage partners, interfering relatives, children, peers, the crowd, even the government. Someone else rained on our parade and caused us to act in a negative way. Choosing this strategy gets the monkey off your back, but it keeps us from looking inward and being honest with ourselves. The healthiest people are those who accept responsibility for their behavior (James 5:16).

3. Absorbing the blame. Quite often the children of divorced parents believe they caused the divorce. Had they been willing to clean their rooms when told; if they had studied harder; if they had not talked back to their parents, the divorce wouldn't have taken place. Of course their assumption of guilt is irrational. Sometimes married partners do the same thing. They are so lacking in self-confidence that they automatically assume responsibility for conflicts that take place. Sometimes we do need to admit responsibility, but we don't arrive at a healthy resolution of problems when we assume that one partner is the cause of all marital difficulty. One can even offer scriptural support for assuming such a posture. Paul said, " . . . consider others better than yourselves" (Phil. 2:4). However, the person who sees justification for self-abasement in that passage misuses the intent of the apostle. His appeal is to the example of Jesus. Jesus never assumed blame for things he didn't do. "If a self-blamer is married to someone whose appetite for intimacy is not very great, that partner may be content to have the other constantly taking blame. Some husbands or wives will devote themselves to the weaker partner, trying desperately - and futilely - to nurture him or her out of such an apparently painful position. Others may be bewildered by this style of dealing with problems, feeling uncomfortable with it, but not knowing how to counteract it." (Esau. p. 129).

4. Why these strategies usually backfire. We are attracted to such strategies because they usually seem to work in the short run. They are also less painful than meeting the problems head on. Perhaps they will be successful in overcoming an immediate crisis, but if the goal of marriage is to eventually achieve intimacy, it will be necessary to face the pain of facing problems honestly and objectively.

1. A Sense of Commitment. Through word and deed we say to each other, "I'm not going anywhere. We're going to be together for a very long time. We took each other for better or worse. You're stuck with me. It can either be a smooth ride or a rough ride. I like the smooth ride better. How about you?" Commitment means more than just sticking with one another through thick and thin. It means working through repeated disappointments. It means getting up when you've been knocked down and starting over. It means a lot of saying "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" and meaning it.

2. Cultivating Oneness while respecting individual differences. It is true that we become "one flesh" in the marriage bond (Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31). But we do not stop being individuals when we marry. We are individually accountable to God. (Ezekiel 18:20; 2 Corinthians 5:10). Personality development and spiritual growth take place on an individual basis. In recent years marriage ceremonies have often featured the unity candle. Two candles are placed on each side of a larger candle. Both smaller candles are lit, while the larger candle remains unlit. The bride and groom jointly light the larger candle in the center and blow out their candles which represent their individuality. We believe this symbolism is all wrong. We would suggest that the bride and groom should light the larger candle together and leave the smaller candles burning in recognition of the fact that while they work toward oneness of purpose, they continue to function as individuals. They must learn to walk together, seek the same goals and support one another in every way possible, but they never lose their personhood.

3. They must live Christ centered lives. The Bible teaches mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21), but that is possible only when we have reverence for Christ. It is our reverence for Christ that provides us the motivation to practice self-denial (Matthew 16:24). It is our love for Christ, which enables us to overcome gut-wrenching crises. (Romans 8:35-37). "As we consider what we have been through and the maturity we have gained, we feel a sharper awareness of the Lord's participation in our lives and a firmer confidence that we will continue to journey into blessing, no matter what the hazards along the way" (Esau. p. 136.)

In Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch cites the writings of Hugh and Gail Prather:
"Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond -in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate."

CONCLUSION

Few men in modern history have suffered more embarrassment than Richard Nixon. He left the presidency in disgrace, but he did not go away. He did not live a hermit's existence. He wrote books, gave interviews and even advised presidents. Upon leaving the White House, he read the following poem to his staff.

That's not a bad philosophy for married folks.

From a husband interested in restoring his marriage.

"Thanks for the wonderful newsletter you produce! I am learning so much about things I have done wrong (both directly and as reaction to my wife's actions). You continue to bolster my hope that God will restore our marriage."

From a wife who is in a struggling marriage.

"Thank you so much for your weekly newsletter. I searched the internet for something that would help me come to terms with my 20-yr. marriage that was disintegrating. What a source of encouragement! We have been living separate lives (under 1 roof, but 2 beds) for 18 months and 5 weeks ago, after much prayer and soul searching, I chose to move out, in the hope that it would shock my husband in to realizing that he was losing us. I also believe God wanted to deal with him on his own. Praise God, he has finally communicated with me that he cannot live without us and that we are not going let this end in divorce (we were about a week away from that)."

From an appreciative reader.

"If people would put into practice the principles in these articles we wouldn't have so much divorce. God's Word truly does work, but we must work the Word! God Bless You All."

From a critic.

"I hope you will take a brief moment to read my comments regarding a portion of your last AAF Newsletter (Vol. 4, Number 37).

Eph 5:22 - 24 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Now, the Word of God clearly says that wives should be subject to their own husbands in everything, as the church is subject to Christ. Using your explanation of submission for a moment, I shall apply it to our (the Church) submission to Christ, is it is clear from scripture that the same form of submission is required:

Church, "submission does not mean being subservient" to Christ. Church, "it means being open to Christ's point of view as well as willingness to offer your opinion for consideration." Church, "you also need to consider Christ's interests as equal in value and importance to your own, but not denying your own."

Church, "submission means trusting Christ's goodwill and ability to work through problems as your own efforts to the problem-solving process".

There is particularly a small sentence in your explanation which stands directly opposite to everything Christ taught - by His example - and through His Word: "..., but not denying your own." The life of a believer entails constant denial of self. Victorious living in Christ, begins when we begin to crucify self (daily). This applies to husband, wife, child, in fact - everyone. It is one of the corner stones of a successful family. But I need not say this, I know through studying your Newsletters - that you encourage this constantly.

So why be so apologetic when explaining Ephesians 5:22? It is a fact that 20th century-cosmopolitan has a problem with God's Word. It is radical, incomprehensible and unacceptable to modern society. Modern man (and women) rebel against authority - this is the nature of sinful man! And that is why so many Christian families across the world, struggle as well. Love of self (Satan's original sin), hinders God's authority to prevail in most households.

Thank you for your selfless service in providing assistance for tens of thousands of households across the world. Please don't compromise."

The word "family" has been applied in many different contexts. The Bible uses the concept of family to describe the church in 1 Timothy 3:15 - " . . . if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God's household, which is the church of the living God." On many other occasions family metaphors are used to describe conditions and responsibilities in the church. Does the family metaphor indicate unanimous agreement at all times? Does it suggest such complete peace that there is never a misunderstanding? never any hurt feelings? never any differences. The late Lanny Henninger left us some thoughts on that subject. You can read his comments