"Part 11 - The Procrustean Bed-Marriage Communication and Sexuality"

In our previous installment we told the story of Procrustes and his iron bed. Procrustes tried to make everyone "fit" his bed no matter what he had to do. Many of us come to the marriage bed with a plan much like Procrustes. We have many pre-conceived ideas of what sex in marriage will be like and we plan to make our marriage partner "fit" into that mold. One of the common expectations of marriage is that marriage will meet my need for affection and sexual intimacy. In this discussion we will look at some ways to overcome our "Procrustean Problem."

We start with the concept that God conceived our sexuality.

1. When God brought Adam and Eve together, he decreed, " . . . a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

2. "One flesh" is the term that Bible writers often used to describe the sexual bond between a man and a woman.

3. "God has so designed us that it is possible during a lifetime, to establish and develop one relationship unlike all others. It is to the developing of this relationship that sex is designed to make its unique contribution . . .. It allows one relationship in life to be unique, unlike any other. And it is in this permanent, life-long relationship that the deepest hungers (that can be met by humans) are satisfied." - Carl Brecheen. Marriage Enrichment Seminar.

1. God created marriage as a means of maintaining the human race. (Genesis 1:27-28; Genesis 3:20).
   
2. God created a man and a woman differently. A part of their difference was designed to satisfy the need for companionship (Genesis 2:18)
   
3. The marriage bed is honorable (Hebrews 13:4).
   
4. Sex alone will not hold a marriage together. (I Thessalonians 4:4,5)
   
5. Christians are encouraged to marry and to unselfishly satisfy each other's desires as a means of preventing immorality (I Corinthians 7:2-5).
   
6. Sexuality is designed to provide pleasure. (Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of Solomon 4:10)

1. Some believe if they have sexual satisfaction, all their other problems will be solved.
   
2. Some believe that sexual intercourse is the only form of closeness and intimacy in a marriage.
   
3. Some believe that they should have the freedom to participate in sexual activity with people other than their spouses.
   
4. Some believe that every whim, desire or fantasy represents a sexual need.
   
5. Some believe that sexual intercourse can only be legitimately practiced when the aim is procreation. All other sexual activity is regarded as sinful.
   
6. Some believe that all sexual involvement (even between husbands and wives) is dirty and sinful.
   
7. Some treat sex as if it were a toy or a plaything. A high school student once said, "It's like any other appetite. If I'm hungry I get a quarter-pounder with cheese, and if I want sex, I find a girl who is willing."
   
8. Some people develop their philosophy of sexual intimacy from popular fiction and believe the sex act "just comes naturally."

1. Ignorance. Poor information prevents physical intimacy. These could have come from observing our parents relationship, learning about sex from a "barnyard" perspective or being taught about the physical act without any moral values being associated with our knowledge.

2. Guilt. Some parents and some church leaders perpetuate the belief that all sex is dirty. Some cannot share the marriage bed without a sense of shame.

3. Fear. Intimacy is blocked when couples fear consequences of the act. It may violate basic moral principles. They may have a fear of unwanted pregnancy. Some many not know the prior sexual history of their spouses and fear the consequences of disease.

4. External factors. Stress, working long hours, lack of privacy, unpleasant odors and other external deterrents often hinder sexual intimacy.

5. Personal feelings. Anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness and depression all have a negative effect on sexual satisfaction.

1. "Sex itself is a form of communication" so said Faulkner and Brecheen in their Marriage Enrichment material.

2. "A key factor in the total marriage relationship is communication." (Esau) He goes on to say "sex within marriage has great potential for communicating the meanings of tenderness, caring, love and commitment." Many therapists who work with couples that are having sexual problems will begin their therapy by looking at how well the couple communicates.

3. Many couples will communicate openly about every thing else that is going on in their lives, but find it impossible to talk about their sexual relationship.

4. Esau feels that if communication is established about sex, several good things will happen.
   • It allows a way to get all of the assumptions about sex out in the open.
     
   • It will keep the husband and wife from taking each other for granted in their relationship.
     
   • It will give both parties the chance to say what pleases them or doesn't, what is pleasant or distasteful, and what is most satisfying to them.

5. It takes work to keep the lines of communication open. With love and caring in the sexual relationship a couple can keep this part of their relationship growing and alive. Esau suggests these ways to accomplish this:
   
   • Respect one another's moods and feelings in bed as you would any other place.
     
   • Don't ever use sex to get even with a mate.
     
   • Make a continuing effort to please one another.
     
   • Make sex a real partnership.

Happiness has been described as everything from Lubbock, Texas, in a rearview mirror to a place "over the rainbow." Thomas Jefferson informedus we are entitled to pursue it, wherever it is. (Yes, I know he didn't exactly mean our definition of pursuit, but I need a little literary license here.) And if you are popular enough for Disney to immortalize you on celluloid, you are sure to have IT "ever after."

One of the gravest pitfalls in the happiness pursuit comes in our expectations of marriage. As one of my colleagues and mentors states, "Most of us marry for the wrong reasons." These wrong reasons seem to be masked with some images of wedded bliss and that "ever after" stuff. Surely, the great majority of us certainly expected improvement in our status or we would not have taken such a blind leap.

It is usually not long after we embark on the couple journey that we discover all is not bliss and perhaps our expectations are a little too high. Certainly our expectations are not being met. It is here that we come to a fork in the road and must come to terms with our inadequacies and those of our partner. For some couples, arriving at this juncture leads them to decide that the individual happiness of each is somehow being stolen by the other, and surely God and everyone else would think divorce was the most reasonable option so that these "entitled" persons could pursue their happiness with someone else.

"The divorce revolution of the 1970's," says David Blankenhorn in a September 30, 1999, e-mail-out from Smart Marriages, "was largely anchored . . . in the hope that more acceptance of divorce would make marriages happier by encouraging unhappy spouses to dissolve their unions." But now there is solid evidence that this hope was the energy of a "one-way downward spiral of marital dissatisfaction and failure. More acceptance of divorce generates more unhappy marriages, which in turn generates more divorce." The research was reported earlier this year in the Journal of Family Issues in an article by Paul R. Amato and Stacy J. Rogers of the University of Nebraska.

What this research uncovers is that the more we adopt a pro-divorce attitude, the unhappier marriages will be. If we consider ending the marriage an option, we will be less likely to invest ourselves in resolving our differences. Amato and Rogers state, "Ironically, by adopting attitudes that provide greater freedom to leave unsatisfying marriages, people may be increasing the likelihood that their marriages will become unsatisfying in the long run." Blankenhorn says, "The divorce culture feeds on itself."

For a long time I have told my clients, "If you think divorce is an option, your marriage is most likely doomed." If we believe divorce is an option, we decrease our reasons to expend the energy to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and to make the changes which would build on the positive aspects.

j A basic defective thought feeds this whole pro-divorce attitude. That is that our happiness is lost or found in an earthly somebody or something. Years ago I heard evangelist J. J. Turner say, "If you have to take one step from where you are to be happy, you are looking in the wrong direction."

A relationship with Jesus Christ provides the "other" in whom we will find our greatest happiness, joy and peace. A relationship with Jesus takes our focus off of the limitations of our spouse. When we allow His Spirit to fill us, it is then that we can tap into the most positive attitude there is to be utilized in relationships. That attitude is found in Luke 6:27-36. Though this teaching from Jesus is concerning our attitude toward our enemies, how much more rewarding when we also adopt this attitude toward those with whom we have the closest relationship. This new attitude enables us to give, expecting nothing in return.

This verse provides the basis for one of my favorite homework assignments as I visit with couples. I often ask the partners to choose a day in the next week, unbeknownst to their partner, when they will choose to give kindnesses to the other, no matter how the other responds, with no strings attached -- expecting nothing in return. This can be extremely empowering to the giver. Choosing this behavior can be the beginning of owning your own happiness, peace and joy.

We live in a world of "instant" everything: instant coffee, instant cereal, instant mashed potatoes, and instant meals. The list goes on and on. Then there are the advertisements for "instant" relief for every pain that we have. This has carried over into every aspect of life. We now want instant solutions to every problem that arises in our lives. You can read about Norman's thoughts on "Why Wait?"