Part 12 -"Developing Trust In A Marriage" - section two

We've already mentioned our experiences in counseling. At one point, it became necessary for Norman to allow Ann a measure of freedom that he really didn't want to let her have. He verbalized that fear to the counselor. He was fearful that the avenue she wanted to pursue might result in her leaving the marriage. The counselor conceded the fact that such a possibility existed, but then he said, "If you aren't willing to take that risk, I question whether you really love her or not."

When a relationship is threatened, we tend to become protective. Often the more we try to protect, the more we drive a wedge between those whom we profess to love. Trust develops when we are willing to risk loss and we frankly don't know any way to avoid the element of risk. There is a price to pay. Greenfield warns, "When you risk yourself to others, you become vulnerable." (Guy Greenfield. We Need Each Other. p. 42).

• Trust requires consistency between non-verbal and verbal communication. Have you ever sought to reassure your spouse by saying, "You can trust me on this?" What will be your spouse's reaction? Your partner could be thinking, "Maybe I can and maybe I can't." Even worse, your spouse might think, "The last time I trusted you, I got burned. When our non-verbal communication is consistent with our verbal messages, we tell our spouses that we can be trusted in a way that goes far beyond verbal assurance. "There are many ways to say, 'I love you!' - A fond glance, a tender or playful touch in an appropriate spot, a thoughtful gift, choosing to sit close in a crowded room, listening with genuine interest, a kiss on the back of the neck, a note, perhaps with a private joke left where it will be found, a word of sympathy or support, a sly wink, preparing a favorite dish, a bowl of flowers carefully arranged, a phone call in the middle of the day, and even perhaps remembering to take the trash out, are a few." (Clinebell and Clinebell . The Intimate Marriage. p. 89)

• Trust is built when we work diligently at the task of listening. Genuine listening requires tremendous effort. We must not only hear the words our spouses are speaking, but we must attempt to hear the message they intend to speak. In recent years, we've learned to tolerate "spin doctors" in the world of politics. If the president makes a speech, the opposing party will immediately communicate a "negative spin." The spin doctor will tell us "This is what the president said, but let me tell you what he really means." We tend to do that with our spouses. To build trust, we have to resist the temptation to analyze and interpret. If you tell your spouse, "You said this, but you really meant to say this," don't be surprised if your spouse is much less open the next time you communicate.

• Work on the deeper levels of communication. How can we get beyond superficial conversation? Much of the communication between husbands and wives really operates on a very superficial plane - "What's for supper?" Did you see Johnny's report card?" "My sister called today." "They're resurfacing Main street." Spousal communication reaches a deeper level when we share opinions and convictions about various issues, but it only reaches the level of trust when we are willing to risk vulnerability and share feelings. When a spouse shares a feeling, it should not be judged. It must be accepted as a feeling.

We can recall a time several years ago, when Ann made a statement to Norman that he totally disagreed with. Ann was working on a college degree. She was heavily involved in church activities and we had three teenagers in the home at the same time. It's hard to imagine more stress. One day she said to Norman, "I don't feel like you're supporting me in my school work." Had she accused him of not supporting her, he would have pointed out numerous ways in which he thought he had done precisely that. But she didn't make that accusation. She said, "I FEEL like you're not supporting me." Norman was willing to accept and even appreciate the fact that what she was willing to tell him was what she FELT. That was much less threatening than an attack. Within a short period of time, we were able to resolve the problem.

Trust is built when we are willing to risk the vulnerability of entering into deeper communication. Can we be hurt by making ourselves vulnerable? Oh yes. But the alternative is a superficial marriage at best and an unsatisfying one at worst.

Greenfield commented, "In recent years old oil and gas wells in parts of Oklahoma and Texas have begun to produce again. Those old wells extended five to ten thousand feet underground and then played out. But with increased prices for gas and oil providing additional incentive and with better drilling equipment, oil-field drillers have now gone to levels around thirty thousand feet deep and have struck it rich. There's a lot more than black gold and gas at the deeper levels." ( p. 47). Your effort to dig deeper into a relationship may produce a "dry hole," but it can also produce rich rewards which are of much greater value than black gold, gas or even diamonds. Are you willing to take the chance?

Some of his extended family members brought him to my office. He had been pegged a trouble-maker. He was only in junior high school, but had a reputation a mile long following him from elementary school. You could not help but like him. He was just a little bit overgrown with an easy, half mischievous smile. He was not sullen. He was not mad at the world. He was just trouble, so much so that before the end of September he hadalready been suspended three times this school year.

His guardians who brought him in were at their wits' end. They had talked and begged and pleaded and made a soft attempts at grounding him. Two to three weeks went by as we tried different strategies, but soon he was in trouble again.

Here we all sat as the latest incident was reported, his guardians were presenting as extremely defeated. He just sat there with his sweet little smile on his face explaining how it was everybody else's fault, and his folks were commenting with agreement about how the teacher had his referral already written up before he even entered the classroom that day. We explored his blame game for a little while and how everyone in Angola or any other prison is there because of everybody else - the blame game.

Then, with a stroke of luck, I remembered that I happened to have Dr. Scott P. Sells' book, Treating the Troubled Adolescent, in my office. In this book Dr. Sells identifies "five aces" a troubled adolescent will often try, particularly when parents are attempting to restore authority. Those aces identified by Dr. Sells are: "running away, truancy/poor school performance, suicidal threats or behaviors, threats or acts of violence, and disrespect." Dr. Sells says the purpose of these "aces" is "to intimidate the parents into giving their newfound authority right back to the adolescent."

That seemed to describe pretty well what was happening in this situation. His caretakers were ready to capitulate and just decide he was the incurable trouble maker/victim they always knew he was, and abdicate all responsible supervision and guidance. After all, the child was definitely in charge.

So I turned to the chapter on the "five aces" and read to the guardians what Dr. Sells says when one of these behaviors is occurring. It seemed to me that reading from the book of an expert would give more credibility to what I was trying to tell them. I read, "To neutralize these 'aces,' the parents and counselor must establish consequences that are severe enough that the adolescent would rather give up the extreme behavior than continue to suffer the punishment. The challenge is finding the right consequences."

From there we began to make a plan. We had to find the right consequence.

When I have a young person like this, one of my favorite comments is, "Well, we just might have to go to school and sit with him so we can find out exactly what is going on and help him with his behavior. Caretakers, can you do that?" These folks shook their heads affirmatively. The young adolescent began to squirm. The look on his face confirmed he did not like the sound of this.

It just so happened that the location of his school and the time his difficulty often occurred and our appointment schedule all coincided well enough that I could also get in on the act. So we decided on a plan. We would start with a clean slate. He would have a fresh beginning his next school day. If there was any trouble on that first day of his new beginning, then the next day one of his caretakers would accompany him to school, so that he could be assisted in avoiding trouble, particularly during the difficult time. Then he could start anew on the third day, unassisted. But if there was any trouble on that day then on the fourth day one of his caretakers would again accompany him to assist him. And I would be his assistant on the fifth day.

Several weeks have passed, and so far he has been totally successful. We are having a lot of fun discussing how he is managing this transformation. Occasionally, I warn all of them that this might not last, and to not get too confident, but when there is regression we will handle it. My greatest pleasure in this case came when on our last visit he presented with his caretakers and they were all chuckling. I inquired about this seemingly inside joke. It turns out that our "trouble maker" had suggested to his caretakers the night before that they call me to pretend I would have to meet him at school the next morning. I suspect this child feels very comfortable with a more appropriate hierarchy in place. His guardians have taken charge.

What are you afraid of? What would cause you to turn down a job promotion? a leadership role in your church or school? responsibility for a task or project? We all face some kind of fear each day. How we face that fear may determine the direction of our lives. If we face it head on and make a positive decision to overcome that fear, we will grow from it. If we choose to let fear control us then we are letting our weakness and not our strength control our lives.

This is true in the secular world but it is also evident in many ways in the church. You can read about some of our fears in the church