CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- Feature Article - "Dealing with Anger in the Family"
- Movie Review - "The Story of Us" by Dennis Lowe
- Perceptions - "An Unforgiving Heart Can Make One Sick"
by Batsell Barrett Baxter
JUST VISITING
"There is no greater joy in life than to know that your children walk with the Lord." - wall plaque at Sharon's Diner in Greenwood, Arkansas.
The past weekend will most certainly be remembered as a remarkable time in our lives. Our family gathered for the Thanksgiving holiday in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, at the home of our oldest son and daughter-in-law. It was the first gathering of our entire family and their spouses since 1996 and only the third such gathering in the last 13 years.
Our children chose this time to honor our fortieth anniversary. Actually our anniversary doesn't occur until December, but this was the time when we could all be together. We shared the holiday together and took a "nostalgic" tour of Kansas City where we visited the two places we lived when we lived there. We stopped by the schools they attended, went by the church where we worked and ate lunch at a Mexican food restaurant we used to patron. Our youngest son was born at K.U. Medical Center. There are lots of memories for us there.
Ann and I stayed over Sunday. Our granddaughter, Audrey, chose that day to commit her life to Christ and put on her Lord in baptism. We were very thankful that we were permitted to live long enough to see that day. We saw the sign at Sharon's Diner on the way home. It applies to grandchildren too.
Norman and Ann
Several years ago, a lady sought me out at church and said,
"Norman, I'm really angry with you." I'm usually not very
sharp in a situation like that, but I thought I came up with the
perfect response. I said, "You can't be angry with me. The
Bible says, 'do not let the sun go down while you're still
angry,' and it's after sundown." She came up with the perfect
retort. She said, "I've got until sundown tomorrow night."
From that experience I learned that a humorous jab
combined with a proof-text does not turn away wrath.
How do you handle an angry person, especially if that person
happens to be a spouse, a child or a parent? I know a lot
more about what doesn't work than what does. Let me share
a few other techniques of responding to anger that usually
turn sour.
When you ignore a person who has a legitimate grievance
against you, the anger usually intensifies, because you have
not taken the other party seriously.
Most of us are competitive by nature and we harbor the
illusion that a sharp reply renders the opponent helpless.
The witty reply can easily backfire on you. In the long run all
players in the one-upmanship game lose.
Some people try to win by appearing to lose. If you can
make people think that your critic has taken unfair advantage
of you, then you can often gain sympathy for your cause and
scorn for your adversary. Some people hope to capitalize on
the natural sympathy that people show to the underdog.
When martyrdom becomes a conscious means of
manipulating sympathy, it's dishonest and most people can
see through that ploy.
What does work? Perhaps James gives the best advice
when he says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to
speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not
bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:19-
21). Think before you react. It will keep you out of a lot of
trouble.
Editor's note: At the time this issue is being written, The
Story of Us is playing at theaters across the United States.
According to promotional material released with the film, the
movie is the brainchild of Rob Reiner who wanted to make a
statement about the resiliency of marriage. As of this
writing, we have not seen the movie (in part because it is R
rated and we don't normally see R rated movies). Mikal saw
it with her husband and twenty-five year old daughter. She
found the language terribly embarrassing and was more than
uncomfortable watching the show with her daughter. So
you've been warned. See the movie at your own risk.
However, Mikal says that if you look beyond the language,
Reiner is making a powerful statement about commitment in
marriage. Some people think he goes overboard. Mimi
Avis, reviewed the film for the Los Angeles Times and was
not impressed with the message of commitment. Dennis
Lowe responded to her critique. His response was published
in the Times and we share it with you.
Norman
In Mimi Avis' commentary "Marriage in Movies: Untold
Story"(Oct. 30), she states: "In fact, 'The Story of Us' is a
divorce movie, but one that lacks the courage to let its sorry
twosome uncouple. It convincingly shows a man and a
woman who are so miserable together that even their children
would probably endorse a split."
This is a misinformed perspective. First, it suggests that it is
more courageous to dissolve a relationship than to do the
hard work of keeping a marriage intact. In my opinion this
couple demonstrated greater courage by sticking it out than
by parting.
Second, there is an overwhelming amount of social science
research indicating that marital stability benefits the children
with only a few exceptions (e.g., domestic violence).
And third, I didn't see any indications that the children in this
movie would "endorse" a breakup. Quite the contrary. For
example, in one powerful scene, the daughter--sensing her
parents distance--puts their hands together, a clear sign of
what she (and many other children in her situation) hopes will
occur.
I suggest Ms. Avis, do the courageous thing and investigate
what we've discovered about the advantages of working
through conflicts in marriage before simply encouraging
others in similar situations to divorce. I'd be happy to
suggest some resources.
Dennis Lowe, Ph.D.
It's hard to understand what people think they gain by
refusing to forgive. Yet the fact remains that many people feel
justified and even obligated to keep grudges alive. Nurturing
grudges exacts a high price from us. The late Batsell
Barrett Baxter explored the topic of benefits for the one who
does the forgiving
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
mikal@allaboutfamilies.org
Norman's e-mail address:
nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
by Norman BalesIgnoring the angry person.
Responding with clever put down statements.
Becoming a martyr.
"The Story of Us"
Director, Center for the Family at Pepperdine University
(310) 456-4609
dlowe@pepperdine.edu PERCEPTIONS
"AN UNFORGIVING HEART CAN MAKE ONE SICK"
by Batsell Barrett Baxter