by Norman and Ann Bales

1. Myth: Our problems are so serious that we can't rescue our relationship.

   Fact: Two reasonable and rational people can overcome any kind of problem provided both of them really want to and if both are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to overcome the difficulty that threatens their relationship.. When marriage troubles surface, it is natural to be pessimistic about the future. We often consider a partner's actions, behavior or responses unacceptable and we think we already know how that partner will react in any given situation. We assume the partner will not discuss the problem rationally, will resent having to deal with it and will react negatively to any suggestions for change. Norman Cousins once said, "We fear the worst, we expect the worst, we invite the worst."

   You never really know if any of those assumptions are true until the partner is given an opportunity to respond and express his or her own point of view. Michele Weiner-Davis has been very successful in helping married couples resolve seemingly insurmountable difficulty. She starts by refusing to accept either party's interpretation of the problem. A troubled couple tends to think of the other person's behavior as a personality defect. Weiner-Davis contends, "When you think about your spouse's patterns of behavior in terms of habits rather than as an outcome of personality quirks, change is more likely. Anyone can break a habit or replace bad habits with good habits." "(Michele Weiner-Davis. Divorce Busting. p. 49).

2. Myth: We can't communicate..

   Fact: Effective communication has to be learned. Can't means "don't want to" most of the time. When people say, "We can't communicate," they generally mean they have chosen a preferred communication style. The other person has chosen a different communication style and both refuse to alter their styles. Scott Stanley asks, "Do we really want to communicate well? Most couples do, but many have not learned to communicate well when it counts - when disagreements arise." (The Lasting Promise. p. 50). He goes on to identify five filters that get in the way of effective communication - (1) failure to give one another full attention (2) moods, (3) beliefs, (4) style and (5) self-protection.

   Once we understand these "filters," we can then take steps to remove the filters, but we must not attack the intentions, sincerity and honesty of one another. Weiner-Davis suggests that gender difference has a great deal to do with how effectively we communicate. That doesn't mean we just accept the premise that men are not willing to communicate or that women are always communicating with their emotions. It simply means that we recognize our communication differences and we look for ways of overcoming the gender barrier.

3. Myth: We don't love one another anymore, so we need to stop making one another miserable..

   Fact: The popular concept of romantic love is inaccurate and unworkable. Marriage is based on commitment, not infatuation (Matthew 19:6)." All workable relationships are based on love. Jesus said, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you" (John 15:12). Scott Stanley commented, "Being able to live out his commandment is at the core of Jesus' teaching about how we should relate to one another. Our God-enabled ability to do this affects every human relationship we are in, including marriage, family, church, and those we work with. . . 'Lasting promise' love is love that acts. It is love in motion. This kind of love keeps a marriage open to the fullest blessings in life" (A Lasting Promise. p. 23).

   If our concept of love is infatuation rather than commitment, we start looking for a way out when the magic leaves. Paul Faulkner calls it the "chewing gum" theory of marriage. When the sweetness is gone, you discard it.

   We are not critical of keeping romance alive in marriage. While we admire those who stay together because "it's our duty," they are missing a great deal if they never allow themselves the privilege of doing the nice little things that make marriage enjoyable. To me cake is all right without icing, but cake is really good with thick, yummy chocolate icing. Marriage can work without flowers, cards, and an occasional romantic dinner, but it's sure better with it. If you've been missing those things in your marriage, you'll be surprised at how much better you can make it just by doing a few nice things for one another.

   You may be thinking, "It has been so many years since we did anything like that, we wouldn't know where to start." Accept the fact that your skills may be a little rusty at first, but here's how you lubricate them. "People do know what they need to do to rediscover the excitement; they have to reach into the past and intentionally do those things they once considered romantic. People make the mistake of waiting around for the romantic feelings to emerge before they initiate romantic activities. But it works the other way around!" (Weiner-Davis. p. 63)

You don't have to become a divorce statistic. Most marriage problems can be resolved. In the past marriage therapists have assumed that marriage problems were unsolvable and they geared their therapy programs to help their clients adjust to divorce. Some therapists even went so far as to say that 90 per cent of the marriages they encountered in practice were dead on arrival when the couples showed up at their offices. There's a new breed of therapists and educators who don't buy into this pessimistic philosophy. Yes, there are some situations that cannot be helped, but most married couples with problems are not dealing with drug addiction and physical abuse. They are dealing with such problems as communication difficulties, lack of affection and complaining. Those behavior patterns can be overcome and when they are, a better marriage can be the result, but before we can get to the point of helping, we have to shatter these common myths.

About Venting Your Angry Feelings. "Scripture clearly teaches us that escalation and venting at one another is foolish. Furthermore, research on marital health, mental health, and physiological health simply does not support the idea that venting is healthy. In fact it's deadly for relationships and for your own health." Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan in A Lasting Promise. p. 97.

About Marital Conflict. ". . . every married couple knows that 'conflict-free-marriage' is an oxymoron. In reality it is neither possible nor desirable." Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee in The Good Marriage. p. 143.

About Identifying the Spouse Who Needs to Change. "Let's be honest. When thinking about problems in marriage, you probably envision that your mate needs to change. The problem with this type of thinking is that your mate could be thinking the same thing about you! If each of you keeps waiting on the other to change his/her behavior, NOTHING WILL EVER IMPROVE in your marriage. It's time for YOU to decide to change for the better - no matter what your spouse does. And it will definitely help your marriage. - Mark Sutton. Thirty Days to a Better Marriage. p. 58

About Disrespectful Judgments. A disrespectful judgment occurs when someone tries to impose his or her system of values and beliefs on someone else. If you ever try to force your spouse to accept your point of view, you're just asking for trouble. - Willard F. Harley. Love Busters. p. 45.

Shortly before the arrest, trial and crucifixion of Jesus, Peter confidently announced that he would never forsake Jesus. Less than twenty-four hours later, he not only forsook Jesus but he denied him and repeated the act three times. Doug Strange writes about our own tendencies to make bold assertions about what we will and will not do. You can read it