All About Families, January 27, 1997


	Volume 2 Number 1 January 27, 1997 Norman Bales, Editor ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Contents Just Visiting Trends and Family Crisis Issues Norman Bales and Mikal Frazier Confronting the Crisis in the Family - editorial Something Different for a New Year Mikal Frazier Our First year Vic Phares JUST VISITING We are ecstatic about beginning our second year of e-mail newsletters. We appreciate so much your words of appreciation, your questions about problems, your insights, your suggestions about links and resources, even your criticisms. I've developed certain perceptions about families all over the world during this past year. Many families are doing well, but many others are experiencing more pain that words can describe. We would like to be able to encourage growth in those healthy families and healing in the hurting families. In his second inaugural address on January 20th, Bill Clinton said, "The demands of our time are great, and they are different. Let us meet them with faith and courage, with patience, and a grateful happy heart. Let us shape the hope of this day into the noblest chapter in our history. Yes, let us build our bridge... a bridge wide enough and strong enough for every American to cross over to a blessed land of new promise." Our attempts at bridge building may not be exactly what the president had in mind, but we do want to help build bridges that cross over into a blessed land of family harmony. If there is to be a "land of new promise" on his side of eternity, it would have to include family harmony. In this anniversary issue, we've tried to get our entire staff (which consists of three people) involved in writing the material and all have obliged. Mikal Frazier is a top notch family therapist and Vic Phares is about the best "state-of-the-art" webmaster one could ever hope to find. I really ought to include Ann on our staff. Not only does she provide me with ample opportunities to see my shortcomings as a husband (which I often tell you about), but she proofreads every issue and makes editorial suggestions. I hate her blue pencil, but she keeps me from making lots of goofs. We start withl a list of family trends and crisis issues as Mikal and I see them. Norman TRENDS AND FAMILY CRISIS ISSUES by Norman Bales and Mikal Frazier TRENDS AFFECTING MARRIAGE AND FAMILY Single parent families. Two or more families producing income Smaller families. Shared household responsibilities. Adult children leaving home and coming back to live with their parents. Marrying at a later age. Grandparents raising grandchildren. FAMILY CRISIS ISSUES Substance abuse Physical and sexual abuse of spouses and children Teen pregnancy Sexually active children AIDS CONFRONTING THE CRISIS OF THE FAMILY by Norman Bales Everybody and his brother talks about saving the family. Right now it seems like we're caught up in finger pointing. The blame is laid on poverty, working mothers, inadequate teaching, liberals in the government, conservatives in the government, absentee fathers, uninvolved fathers, insensitive husbands, assertive wives, underpaid school teachers, overpaid schoolteachers, ill prepared Sunday School teachers, outdated preaching, incompetent youth ministers, failure to hire a youth minister, materialism, drugs, rock music, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Madonna and Dennis Rodman. . Personally, I think it's time for us to stop putting so much energy into finger pointing. I'm not sure it does all that much good to conduct hundreds of conferences, commission scores of studies by blue ribbon panels and use up thousands of reams of paper to report the results of the accumulated findings of these knowledgeable persons. In my personal life, I deal with a condition known as hereditary hemorrhagic telangiectasia (HHT). That means I have a lot of nose bleeds. I don't spend much time studying reports on how I got it. I know how I got it. I inherited it. On the other hand, I read everything I can get my hands on that offers any hope for curing the problem. It seems to me we ought to approach the modern day crisis in the family the same way. What can the church do? I favor a proactive stance. Here are some suggestions. Churches need to evaluate their education curriculum. If we're not placing a strong emphasis on family values, we must re-work our strategy. Give priority to marriage enrichment. I agree with the person who first said "The best thing you can do for your children is build a strong marriage." Structure more church activities around the whole family. Segmenting age groups has not produced stronger family ties. Lend a helping hand to troubled families. We're in this thing together. God designed the family before he set in motion any other social structure (See Genesis 2). Let's give it the kind of priority that God gave it. Maybe my suggestions won't work, but it sure beats sitting around and complaining. When you have a crisis on your hands, it's more productive to search for solutions than trying to pinpoint causes. MIKAL'S MORSELS AND BYTES FOR THE FAMILY SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR A NEW YEAR by Mikal Frazier MA, MMFT, LCP In counseling circles we often hear the phrase, "If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always gotten." We understand that to mean if we want something to change, then we must do something different. As "All About Families" publishes its anniversary issue, perhaps it would be a good time to think about some ways to do "something different" as we relate to one another. If you are in a relationship which needs some revamping, the following approaches can do wonders: I must realize that I am the only person I can change. I am totally powerless to change anyone else. Recently I attended a workshop presented by the well-known Dr. William Glasser. He attributed some of our greatest misery to the attempts we make to change someone else. I must take the focus off the other person and concentrate my efforts on changing how I relate. My expectations of another person can lead to disappointment and negative feelings. I must approach a relationship, recognizing my reality is not my partner's reality. I must be willing to contribute expecting nothing in return. I can make requests of my partner, but I must remember that my partner's response is my partner's responsibility. I may be disappointed or have other negative feelings at times, but I must express those feelings, take responsibility for them, and then be willing to interact positively with my partner. I must recognize the damage done by blame. Blaming my partner stems from a posture of fear. I must find the courage to take personal responsibility for my own attitudes. When I must fight, I will fight fair: I will choose an appropriate time in agreement with my partner. I will stick to the current issue. I will not hit below the belt by name-calling degrading friends or family of my partner threatening, displaying violence, or using physical violence I will state where I am and not place blame on my partner. I will express my feelings. I will listen for what my partner is feeling and accept his feeling as his right. If I receive a nonverbal message I will check it out and not use mind-reading. I will be open about what I want. I will take a break from the discussion if needed, resuming the conversation when we have cooled down. This will be with my partner's agreement. I will keep on trying. I must be willing to be what psychologist Paul Faulkner calls the transitional person. There is a fairly recent country-western song which says, "Tonight I climbed the wall." I must not cling to what I believe is fair or right, but must be willing to act in a way that says, "Our relationship is more important than the issue which is dividing us." I must resolve to move toward my partner in a healthy, non-reactive manner, even when I believe my partner's behavior does not warrant it. I must recognize that my inner joy is my responsibility. To make someone else responsible for my emotional state is to put my own self in bondage. When I take responsibility for my own anxiety, then I am set free. I can accomplish the above only through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Practicing the above relationship skills will result in freedom, peace, joy and love. Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. If you have questions about marriage and family relationships you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com Our First Year by Vic Phares, AAF tech manager It's hard for me to remember the beginning a year ago. I remember talking to Norman about putting up a web page [first a church page and then a special Family site]. His vision of what people were looking for on the Net matched mine more than anyone I had talked to. It's hard not to remember some of the mistakes we made, but you have been a very forgiving group. We outgrew my ability to control the mailings and had to enlist help from ACU's Listserv. Our changes in format and title are all a blur to me now. Many things have been re-worked or re-shaped based on your feedback. I've been overwhelmed by the way many of you have opened up your lives with us to share the hurts and victories that you have experienced. It has helped me be more aware of my own wife and children. The articles from Norman, Mikal, and others have helped me re-think my attitudes and re-focus on areas of greater importance. Sometimes they just help me know that I'm not alone and that others are dealing with the same problems that I'm dealing with. The next year holds great promise. God continues to multiply our efforts. To date we haven't spent any money to promote the newsletter. It has been spread by word of mouth and a few people finding us through the web pages. One day God may provide the means to let more people know about this resource and he may use it more widely or maybe it will stay a small, personal newsletter with a community of readers who share with one another. Whatever happens, I'm very glad to have been blessed by your warm messages and encouragement via the e-mail, the guestbook (on the church website) and the message board (at the AAF website). NEXT WEEK: "COPING WITH SHAME AND GUILT"