CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: LABELING DESTROYS FAMILY HAPPINESS
• IF I WERE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT, I WOULD...
  THE CHRIST-CENTERED WIFE
  Hope That Transforms - Part 3
  by Mikal Frazier
  

JUST VISITING

Norman

Labeling is a bad habit. It goes on everyday in almost every arena of life - politics, religion, sports and even in marriages. Labeling is a poor substitute for intelligent reply. A conservative politician, who is short on rationale, soon discovers he can make points with his constituents if he brands his adversaries as "leftists", "socialists", "Marxists", etc. His liberal counterpart responds in kind with such tags as "right wingers," "reactionaries" and "fascists." Rarely does intelligent discourse take place in an environment that degenerates into a labeling contest."

Labeling probably falls into the same category as mosquitoes, crab grass and the common cold. There just isn't any way to get rid of it. On the other hand, there is no law which says that we must respond in kind when others stoop to unflattering name calling.

The last place on earth where uncomplimentary labeling should take place is in the environment of the home, but I have an uneasy feeling that husbands and wives engage in the most brutal, no-holds barred labeling contests found anywhere in our society. In a marriage, labels often challenge the honesty, the competency or the intelligence of one's spouse. Recently, I heard a husband admit, "I sometimes say my wife is stupid, but I don't mean anything by it." I reminded him that his unkind label hurts her whether he means it or not.

Insecurity normally lies behind the labeling habit. We get into oneupmanship games in an attempt to improve our image. The more insecure we are, the meaner the labels we attach to others.

Ours is not a perfect world and no one has a perfect marriage. Healthy married couples often disagree about many things, but loving spouses do not besmirch the character of their lifetime partners through crude and uncomplimentary name calling. By the time you get out of the third grade, you ought to learn better. Such tactics are inexcusable in mature adults.

The Bible talks about the way husbands and wife are supposed to live with each other. Labeling violates the spirit of the Golden Rule. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Paul described the characteristics of love He said, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Frankly, I don't see any room for labeling in that list of qualities. How on earth can I heap derogatory labels on the one whom I promised to love, protect, honor and provide for? According to 1 Peter 3:4 wives are to cultivate a gentle spirit. In verse 7, husbands are told to treat their wives with respect. Labeling, name calling and belittling are neither respectful, gentle nor loving. It's a bad habit and most of us need to quit it cold turkey.

Hope That Transforms - Part 3

Once upon a time a tragedy hit our town. It came in the form of a class which was offered in our community. The participants were intended to learn a healthier way of living. The "graduates" of this experience seemed to emerge convinced they had been victimized all their lives. As a result of this victimization, they had continued to allow themselves to be used by others. But a sure sign of overcoming this victimization was the ability to say ,"no," when someone made a request to them.

I remember watching in astonishment as one graduate and brother refused to help another brother when illness in the congregation had caused a great hardship to fall on some who were planning to entertain a group of visiting singers. This self-fulfilled individual had a previous appointment with the golf course. I remember this same "recovered" brother struggling openly with Paul's instruction to "in humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." With his new understanding I can see how this verse would present some difficulty for him. Several tragedies were to come out of this "enlightenment."

At about this same time I was involved in my own studies, so the emergence of these graduates was most intriguing to me. As I observed their new found freedom of refusal and their seeming lack of sensitivity to other people, I began to realize the missing piece of the puzzle. The problem faced by these people was not that they had said "yes," too easily and allowed themselves to be used. The solution lay in the fact that in answering, "yes," they had expected something in return. They had said "yes" in order to get something back. In fact the "yes" was in an often futile attempt to control other people. It was a way of saying, "Now you owe me." That was the core of their problem. They were giving, they were saying "yes" out of their emptiness rather than their fullness. It was not that they were being controlled and used, it was that they were attempting the same to others.

These people did not have to stop their giving, caring behaviors. They did need to find another motivation for these same behaviors. They needed to give out of their fullness rather than their emptiness. Giving out of emptiness is giving with strings attached and it does create anger, resentment and depression the giver. Giving out of fullness is the kind which is blessed in Luke 6. When we give out of our fullness we can give expecting nothing in return, and therefore be daughters of the Most High.

Examine this process of performing out of emptiness with me a little closer. Look at how such a scenario might be played out in marriage. I believe we wives may be most susceptible to this negative sequence. We say things to ourselves like, "My work is never ending while he comes in and relaxes for hours in front of the television." "I have given up the best years of my life cooking and cleaning for him and it is never appreciated." "After all I do is it too much for him to just tell me he loves me once in a while?" When we think these things, we are giving with strings attached. Our behaviors are not true gifts. In truth, our behavior is an attempt at control and manipulation.

Yes, dear women, all of these things would be nice to receive from your husband. But when you are functioning out of your fullness in Jesus Christ, you can survive, even thrive, without these niceties. You see when you are making choices out of your fullness, you are really responding to Jesus, not your husband.

Now for the Spirit-filled scenario. As a Christ-centered wife I have the knowledge that I have received the greatest gift ever given. I have Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I have His grace. Because of the joy and fullness this knowledge gives me, I can respond appropriately to my husband. If I truly know what I have been given in Jesus, then I can serve my husband expecting nothing in return. You see I will be so filled with the Hope of the cross, that I will be overflowing with joy and gratitude which motivates my service.

If my behavior toward my husband is dependent on how he responds to me and how he treats me, then I am behaving in a husband-centered way. But when I transition to being a Christ-centered wife, then my behavior is dependent on my relationship to Jesus. My behavior is dependent on what He has done for me. Because I have already received, I am giving out of the fullness of that gift. Then my actions toward my husband become a response to the grace I received at the cross. Peter in 1 Peter 1:8,9 tells me that this grace is going to fill me with an inexpressible and glorious joy:

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Dear Christian women, when I choose my response to my husband out of the fullness of this kind of joy and gratitude, I will be choosing the behaviors of the Christ-centered wife.

Yes, the disappointments of this world could make me feel empty if this were the building against which I were leaning my ladder. But if I am filled with the Spirit I lean my ladder against the Lord, Jesus Christ. If I am filled with the kind of joy that this produces, what could make me feel empty? And I will be filled when I submit to Jesus in Lordship faith.

In my next article I will discuss how we do that and how it fills us up.

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE STUDY "THE PROBLEM OF INFERIORITY"