CONTENTS
JUST VISITING
Many marriages would be far more successful if we could learn how to overcome intentional avoidance. I knew a psychologist several years ago, who said that husbands and wives usually play one of two games with each other. The first game is called "Darts at Five Paces." You play that game by hurling charges and counter charges at one another. The other game is called "Cold Shoulder at Two Paces." You play that game by avoiding each other, either physically or emotionally. This feature study is an attempt to address the subject of avoidance.Speaking of avoidance, we've got a few housekeeping problems and I've been avoiding mentioning them. First of all, If you want to discuss anything with me about the content of the newsletters or the website, then you should send a message to
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OVERCOMING INTENTIONAL AVOIDANCE IN MARRIAGE
INTRODUCTION
We all avoid certain people. As a matter of fact we avoid more people than we associate with. It is necessarily this way because of the size of the world's population and the limited amount of time we all have. But we also avoid people intentionally, which is sometimes good and sometimes not so good. Husbands and wives often use avoidance as a weapon against each other. Today, we'll attempt to address this common problem.
WHY WE INTENTIONALLY AVOID PEOPLE
Our reasons for practicing intentional avoidance in human relationships varies with personalities and situations. Human motives are complex and there is always the danger of oversimplification. We can, however, isolate certain trends in this direction.
We practice avoidance because of past negative experiences.
Intimacy requires vulnerability. To develop closeness with another person, you must reveal something about yourself. Sometimes you reveal information which can be used against you. Suppose you tell your spouse about some great inward struggle you are up against - a problem at work, a temptation, an addiction, a faith problem. In a moment of anger, your spouse may use that information to hurt you. Because you don't want to be hurt again, you may decide never to allow yourself to be that vulnerable again.
We practice avoidance because of prejudice.
Prejudice is a judgment or opinion formed before the facts are known. Prejudices are generally rooted in feelings. In a husband and wife relationship, we display prejudice when we don't bring up certain subjects because we think we can predict our spouse's response in advance. When married couples avoid certain topics on the basis of prejudice they open the way for the development of hidden agendas.
We practice avoidance because of insecurity.
If you have poor self image, you may actually fear openness. You may be afraid to express your true feelings because you are afraid the other person will make you look foolish. You may subconsciously believe that your spouse is more intelligent, morally superior or more proficient at some task than you are. Strangely enough, we sometimes use arrogance to cover up our insecurity. We try to avoid exposure by going on the attack, so we launch verbal attacks on others to mask the insecurities we feel. Guy Greenfield suggested that ". . . overbearing and presumptuous people are actually afraid of others and are expressing their deep insecurity." (We Need Each Other p. 52).
We practice avoidance because of resentments.
Perhaps your spouse hurt you very deeply and you resolve to make sure your spouse never forgets the damage her or she has done. Maybe you're like former New York City mayor, Edward Koch. He once said, "I don't get ulcers, I get even." We use all sorts of techniques in an attempt to even the score. You can allow the controlling person to vent, control, demand and cajole, but your passive aggression takes all the fun out of it for the controller. You can refuse conversation, sex, participation in activities, etc. Some people use psycho-somatic illness as a means of expressing resentment. Sabotage is the weapon of the passive-aggressive person. Avoidance is actually an attempt to bypass the need for confrontation. We are too proud to seek reconciliation and forgiveness.
We practice avoidance in response to crude, obnoxious or ill mannered behavior.
If you think your spouse is going to embarrass you in public, you may choose to find a reason not to go out. When a couple quarrels in public, it usually makes onlookers uncomfortable. Inappropriate behavior on the part of either spouse normally blocks intimacy.
THE BIBLE ON AVOIDANCE
Certain people are to be avoided for various reasons.
Under the limited commission, those who went out to preach were told to avoid those who would not welcome God's messengers (Matthew 10:14).
Those who treat holy things disrespectfully are to be avoided. (Matthew 7:6).
False prophets are to be avoided (Matthew 7:15).
Those who persist in sin after being repeatedly appealed to by the church should be avoided (Matthew 18:15-17).
Those who cause division in the church are to be avoided (Romans 16:17).
Those who persist in blatant immorality are to be avoided (I Corinthians 5:9-11).
Those whose influence results in corrupt behavior are to be avoided (I Corinthians 15:33).
On the other hand, the Bible teaches that we must:
. . . . Recognize that we have a responsibility to the world, even though we do not live by the world's standards. (John 15-19).
. . . . Follow the example of Jesus in associating with people of the world, responding to their needs, listening to their pain, while remaining committed to doing the will of the Father.
. . . . . Become "all things to all men." (I Corinthians 9:22).
In marriage
. . . . husbands and wives are expected to exercise their conjugal rights in mutual fulfillment (1 Corinthians 7:1-5)
. . . . husbands are to love their wives in a sacrificial and understanding manner (Ephesians 5:25-33).
. . . . wives are to love and honor their husbands (Titus 2:3-4; 1 Peter 4:1-6)
. . . . husbands are to live considerately with their wives and treat them with respect (1 Peter 4:7)
. . . . Husbands and wives are expected to pray together (1 Corinthians 7:4; 1 Peter 4:7).
OVERCOMING INTENTIONAL AVOIDANCE
If you or your spouse have settled into a pattern of mutual avoidance, the pattern that has caused you to keep each other at arm's length must be broken. You cannot afford to wait for the other person to make the first move. I cannot guarantee the other person will respond favorably if you do make the first move, but I can guarantee that if neither one of you ever makes a move, things will never change. Here are some suggestions to help you get started toward making the first move.
Make an effort to learn where your spouse is "coming from?"
If you have fallen into an avoidance pattern, there may have been a threatening event that caused it. Perhaps it didn't even have anything to do with you. Someone has said that it is more productive to try to understand others than it is to try to get other people to understand you.
Rethink your insecurities.
If you avoid other people because you think they are superior in some way, remember that we all have certain strengths and weaknesses. My wife has two nursing degrees. I do not attempt to teach her anything about medicine. She has taught me quite a bit. On the other hand she doesn't know a great deal about what makes the lawn mower run. Willard Tate reminds us "We are all ignorant, just on different subjects." I once read that Albert Einstein asked an interviewing committee to bring his wife into the interview, because he didn't know anything about how much salary he would need to manage the affairs of his household.
If we understand that we all have areas of ignorance and knowledge, we will be less fearful of being exposed in an our openness with each other.
Let go of anger. Long term resentments will hurt you more than it will hurt the person you resent. (Ephesians 4:31-32). Anger is normal, even wholesome, under certain circumstances. Jesus was certainly angry when he drove the money changers from the temple. But anger should be short lived, dealt with in a healthy manner and released.
Seek reconciliation. (Matthew 5:23-24). A friend of mine used to say, "If I had only two words to describe the Christian faith, those two words would be "give" and "forgive." Harboring bitterness and resentment usually hurts the person who keeps it alive and has no effect at all on the person it is directed toward. I appreciate these insights from my friend, Willard Tate, "I'll go so far as to say that any marital problem can be solved if the partners are willing to forgive each other. Let me turn that statement around to make sure you understand and it sinks in: I'm saying that a lack of forgiveness is the only thing that will ultimately separate a husband and wife and destroy a marriage. If on the other hand, the ones who feel wronged can find it in their hearts - or in the strength of the Lord, if the feelings aren't there - to forgive, any marriage can be saved and then made stronger than ever." ( Learning to Love pp 90-91.)
Try to look beyond the antisocial behavior of people who irritate you, to the real needs of their lives. Perhaps a person is obnoxious because he or she has never really been loved. Jesus reached out with compassion to the outcasts of society. Inside the crude exterior that we see, there's a heart that has real feelings, that has legitimate needs. In Mikal's articles on "The Spirit Filled Wife", she has pointed out the need to behave with understanding and compassion toward those whose behavior "turns us off." Maybe it seems to you that you have been "mismatched," but your marriage might have a much better chance if you could see the real person who lies beneath the unlovely exterior.
Since human beings are complex, we may fail to touch on either the reason for avoidance or a solution to the problem in your case. I would highly recommend an old study by Howard and Charlotte Clinebell, titled The Intimate Marriage (New York: Harper and Row, 1970). Even so, you may need help beyond what we can offer. The Clinebells wrote, "If you simply can't communicate on any but a superficial level ('Pass the butter," "Looks like rain") in spite of determined efforts on your own, or if you are unable to achieve the kind of communication which satisfies your needs as a couple, it is essential to seek professional help with your communication blocks" (p. 102).
CONCLUSION
In Jeffrey Archer's powerful novel, Kane and Abel, William Kane and Abel Ravsnosky are bitter enemies. When their children marry each other, both men disinherit their children. After Kane's death, Abel learns that Kane had secretly made arrangements for him to receive a loan during the depression years which rescued him from financial disaster. Abel grieves bitterly over his lifetime of resentment. Regretfully he says, "We might have been friends." So could it be with someone whom you might be avoiding at the present time.
NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "Couples Who Stay Together"
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com