CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: "COUPLES WHO STAY TOGETHER"
• WHAT OTHERS HAVE SAID
  ABOUT SEXUAL ABSTINENCE - A. C. Green
  ABOUT ANXIETY - Helmet Thielicke
  ABOUT PARENTING - "Mr. Rogers"
  

JUST VISITING

Over the weekend, Ann and I have enjoyed having Garth and Doris Black, from Bakersfield, California as our house guests. Garth conducted a seminar for the church on "The Holy Spirit." During our conversations together, Garth talked about his recent trip to Russia. He mentioned some of the terrible problems facing the people of Russia - a high crime rate, lack of a strong sense of right and wrong, family solidarity, respect for the personhood of individuals. Some of Russia's most responsible leaders have come to believe the hope for the future of their nation lies with the children and they are making an effort to encourage the teaching of Biblically based mores in the younger generation. As Garth talked, I realized how much the stability of any society depends on a strong sense of family. AAF is devoted to the preservation and promotion of the family. We have the conviction that a strong family structure is essential to the preservation of orderly society.

This conviction is constantly being supported by responsible researchers. Recently (March, 1997) a publication called The Family in America reported the results of data compiled by sociologists Sharon K. Houseknecht and Jaya Saystra. Their study concentrated on family structures in the United States, Sweden, Italy and the former West Germany. They measured the well being of children by six criteria - academic achievement, child poverty, infant mortality due to abuse, juvenile delinquency, drug abuse and suicide. They observed a correlation between family decline and the well being of children. They said, "Children are better off when they live in a society in which traditional family patterns are strong."

AAF may be nothing more than the little boy with his finger in the dike attempting to hold back the floodwaters, but we're going to do everything in our power to keep the finger there because we think families are important. Our feature article is just one more attempt to hold a finger in the dike

Norman

We hear quite a lot about divorce and we all know people who are divorced. Sociologists, psychologists and researchers of various stripes have weighed in with their opinions concerning the reasons for the escalating divorce rate. Perhaps it's time to take a look at the other side of the coin. Maybe we could prevent the occurrence of some divorces in the future, if we would give an equal amount of attention to marriages that stay together.

Florence Kaslow, a psychologist in Florida, has researched long term marriages and identified common characteristics in marriages that have endured. To begin with, couples who stay married to each other exchange love and affection. Mutual trust and respect is almost universal in marriages that last. Couples, who stay together, usually share common interests and moral standards. They develop a communication style in which each partner is willing to give and take without turning every difference of opinion into a major war. They tend to be sensitive to each other's needs and wishes. I took special note of the observation that they refuse to let power issues become a battleground. When you're consumed with power and control, your obsession with having your way inevitably stifles love. People who have been married to each other a long time refuse to let power issues get out of hand.

They also have fun together. I once knew a couple who tried sharing a competitive sport together. She eventually stopped because his continual criticisms of her play seemed humiliating to her. That took the fun out of it as far as she was concerned. The study revealed that people in long term marriages also have a healthy sense of humor, not the put down kind of humor in which one spouse laughs at the mistakes of the other. They enjoy the kind of relationship in which they can laugh together.

The spiritual dimension is also important. Interestingly, those whose spiritual commitments are only nominal, experience about as many divorces as the general population. George Barna's recent research suggests that those committed to religious rigidity are divorcing in even greater numbers than the general population. On the other hand it is a much different story when both partners are seeking a high quality spiritual life devoid of power struggles. Prayer helps to restore balance and eliminate bitterness.

Researchers probably will never find an ideal couple with a trouble free marriage. Even so there is a recognizable difference between marriage behavior patterns that cause extreme unhappiness or divorce and those patterns which produce marital satisfaction.

ABOUT SEXUAL ABSTINENCE

"Abstaining from extramarital sex is one of the most unpopular things a person can do, much less talk about. From a sheer numbers standpoint, it can be a lonely cause - but that doesn't mean it's not right. I abstain as an adult for the same reasons I did as a teen - the principle doesn't change or the feeling of self -respect I get. My fellow ballplayers do not tell me, 'You are crazy' - it's more that they think I'm unrealistic. It's ironic, but the guys who are parents - and especially the guys who have daughters - tend to look at sex before marriage a lot more carefully now." - A. C. Green - basketball player for the Dallas Mavericks.

ABOUT ANXIETY

"We do not know what will come. But we do know who will come. And if the last hour belongs to us, we do not need to fear the next minute." - Helmet Thielicke.

ABOUT PARENTING

". . . if a mother or father who's just been delivered a baby can realize that he and she have a supreme chance to grow in a relationship to this new human being, and if they take that opportunity to grow, that to me, seems to be the happiest combination of parenting and growing up. " - Mr. Fred Rogers (television's "Mr. Rogers).

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE STUDY: "Should You Test Drive Your Marriage?"