CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE STUDY: "Should You Test Drive Your Marriage?"
• GUEST ARTICLE: "I''ve been blessed with Cancer" by Lauri Stahl

JUST VISITING

Several months ago, I asked you to pray for my friend, Ralph Payne. Ralph underwent a successful liver transplant early in the year, followed by colon surgery a few weeks ago. We are happy to report that Ralph went back to his job at the LSU Medical Center in Shreveport, Louisiana last week. Thank you so much for the many prayers on his behalf.

Lauri Stahl was among those who prayed for Ralph. Lauri now suffers from cancer and we're asking you to remember her. I'm also including an article detailing her perspective on cancer. As a minister of the gospel, I've wrestled with the problem of human suffering and I've quietly sought to find academic answers, but people like Lauri develop their answers out of the workshop of real living. Please consider her perspective on suffering.

Norman

Is it a good idea to live together before marriage? Some people think it is and we have seen a substantial increase in these trial relationships before marriage over the last thirty years. Unrestricted sexual involvement outside of marriage has become the norm for many of our contemporaries.

In the fifties, nine out of ten young women who married did not cohabit with their prospective husbands. Today, only one in three marry without having shared a domicile with their husbands-to-be. In the sixties 25 per cent of the young men were not sexually active prior to age 19. Among young women, 45 per cent were virgins prior to their twentieth birthday. By the eighties only 20 per cent of both males and females were virgins at age 19. (Source U. S. News and World Report "Was it Good for Us?" May 19, 1997. P. 59).

It is commonly believed that cohabiting prior to marriage has the advantage of screening out unsuitable marriage partners in the future. The argument goes like this. "You try on a pair of shoes before you buy them. You don't buy a car without test driving it, so doesn't it make sense to "test drive" a relationship before entering into a marriage."

Research dates suggests that the very opposite is true. "Those who live together prior to marriage have been shown to be significantly lower on measures of marital quality and to have a significantly higher risk of marital dissolution . . . ." (The Family Journal "Counseling and Therapy for Couples." January, 1993) U. S. News concluded, "Cohabitation may seem a good 'trial run' for a solid marriage. But in practice, cohabiting couples who marry - many of whom already have children - are about 33 per cent more likely to divorce than couples who don't live together before the nuptials. Virgin brides, on the other hand are less likely to divorce than women who lost their virginity prior to marriage."

It's not hard to see why. When couples live together without being married, they have all the problems of marriage without any of the commitment. One young man, who moved in with his fiancée three months before the anticipated wedding date observed, "When you aren't married and you fight, you don't ever have to work it out if you don't want to . You just walk away." (Reported by Reader's Digest. February, 1994).

The loss of mystery

For one thing it takes away the element of mystery. What does a cohabiting couple look forward to on their wedding night? Instead of anticipating the experience of consummating a marriage, they have nothing too look forward to except wearing formal clothes, cutting a cake and having bird seed thrown on top of their heads (rice throwing is now considered environmentally unsound). Maybe they will rent a Tom Cruise movie, call for a home delivery pizza and stare at the television set from the couch. To the chagrin of the bride, her new husband will likely be snoring before the movie reaches the halfway point.

A wedding night ought to be a lot more exciting than that. And it's not just the wedding night (which can be a disaster even among well prepared couples) they're missing. They're missing out on the thrill of discovery, learning this new person. I've never wanted to know what I'm going to receive for Christmas prior to opening the package on Christmas morning. Sex before marriage is a little bit like knowing about the presents before Christmas with nothing to really enjoy when the day finally arrives.

The absence of commitment

The basic missing ingredient in premarital cohabitation is commitment. Marriage works because it's based on commitment. The test drive theory leaves out the glue that holds the marriage together. I've had the experience of trying to console a woman, who committed herself in her heart to a man, only to find out that he made no similar commitment and simply walked away when he no longer wanted the relationship. Test drive relationships come with a built in self-destruct mechanism.

It violates the teaching of scripture

My last reason for opposing premarital sex is going to brand me as an outdated relic of the past, but I'm going to run the risk anyway, because it's the most important reason of all. It is immoral. The Bible teaches that God is the one who joins people together in marriage - Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

What happens when two people are joined together in a sexual union outside of marriage? You can be sure that God is not a partner in that liaison. The Bible calls it pornei (sometimes translated "fornication," sometimes translated "sexual immorality"). It refers to illicit sexual relationships. Is sex outside marriage an illicit sexual relationship? Hebrews 13:4 say that it is. "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

The word of God teaches that sexual intercourse between married persons is pure and holy. The only way for sexually active persons to avoid the practice of pornei is through lawful, God approved marriage. "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife" (1 Corinthians 7:2-4).

If sex is holy, pure and wholesome within marriage, it is the very opposite outside of marriage.

. . . . Sexually immoral people will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9.

. . . . Fornication is a sin against one's own body (1Corinthians 6:18)

. . . . "Pornei" is listed among the sins deserving of death in Romans 1:29-32.

. . . . Those who practice sexual immorality were not to be tolerated in the fellowship of the early church (1 Corinthians 15:90).

. . . . Paul grieved over those who had not repented of sexual sin (2 Corinthians 7:21).

. . . . Sexual immorality is listed as one of the works of the flesh which will result in one's not inheriting the kingdom of heaven (Galatians 5:19-20).

. . . . In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul pleaded that there not even be a "hint of sexual immorality" (Ephesians 5:3)

. . . . The Christians at Colosse were urged to "put to death" such sins a "pornei."

. . . . . Paul wrote to the church at Thessalonica, " It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God. . . ." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)

. . . . Finally Revelation 21:8 warns, "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars -- their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."

In 1995 Michael McManus, a religious columnist, wrote a book titled Marriage Savers. He claimed that condemnation of premarital sexual behavior on the part of consenting adults has practically vanished from American pulpits. In view of the plain teaching of God's word, it's hard to understand why.

God did not make the rules that govern marriage to hurt us. On the contrary, he knew that real happiness can only be possible if we do it His way. Recently, I talked with a man who lives in an out of wedlock relationship. He insisted that marriage doesn't mean anything. He is mistaken and not just mistaken, he's engaging in a dangerous, deadly practice.

NOTE: Lauri Stahl lives in Minden, Louisiana. She and her husband have been married seven years. Her daughter, Aubrie was born in September, 1996. In April of this year, Lauri learned that she suffers from breast cancer. She asks that we pray for her recovery and we are also asked to remember her family. You can write to her at the following "snail mail" address.

Lauri Stahl
807 Claiborne Ave.
Minden, LA 71055

"How, " you asked, "could anyone be blessed with cancer?" I, too, would ask myself the same question if I hadn't been diagnosed with it a month ago.

After being diagnosed with breast cancer, I've never before received such an outpouring of love from so many people. I have been wondering to myself, "How in the world I am ever going to thank everyone for the cards, letters, flowers, visits and, most of all, the prayers I've been receiving?"

It's Thursday, May 22, another sleepless night, due to the steroids, the doctors say ,I received from my first chemo treatment a week ago. After tossing in bed for hours, I finally just got up. I picked up the "Praise Newsletter" that came in the mail yesterday and I began to read. I was comforted in so many ways and I said to myself, "I'm going to start writing down some of my thoughts."

It was only three days after this past Christmas when I lost my brother from his own battle with major depression. "Why," I asked God, "did this have to happen?" I was angry, frustrated, confused and every emotion you could imagine came over me. Prayers for my family began pouring in from everyone. The loss of Jeff has been overwhelming at times, but I can always find comfort in knowing that 'one sweet day' we'll all be together for eternity.

About four months after our loss, I was put in the hospital for a biopsy and the next day followed with a mastectomy. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of thirty and my precious little Aubrie was all of eight months old. All I knew from that point was that I had to get well for my family. "Why," again I asked God, "was this family chosen to deal with another horrible illness?"

Your love and compassion for me and my family began to pour in again. God has spoken to me through your cards and letters and so many words I repeat to myself daily. . . "God never gives us more than we can handle," He hears us when we speak," "Ask and you shall receive," "He is the great physician," He walks beside me wherever I am." "He is with me always". . . and so many more have comforted me.

I still have more treatments to come, followed by a bone marrow transplant, followed by radiation, followed by five years of oral treatment. It's still a long road ahead, but I know that God will be with me every step of the way.

You ask yourself again, "How could she be blessed with cancer? " Well, I can answer that by saying, "God has opened my eyes and showed me not to take 'life' for granted and every chance you get, show love and compassion for someone else as you have shown to me. I've quit asking, 'Why?' and am now thanking God for every day and every thing He gives me, no matter how horrible the day may be or how rough the road ahead might get. I'm truly blessed with His love. God bless all. - Laurie Stahl 5-22-97

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "Covenant Marriage and Premarital Counseling"