CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: "COVENANT MARRIAGES AND PREMARITAL COUNSELING"
• IF I WERE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT, I WOULD...
  THE CHRIST-CENTERED WIFE
  FEAR THAT DESTROYS
  by Mikal Frazier
  
• FROM THE E- MAIL BAG - "PREMARITAL SEX"

JUST VISITING

Wow! Do we have a lot to talk about in this week's newsletter. Our newsletter originates in the state of Louisiana - not the Cajun, southern part of Louisiana that most people think about where everyone has names like Pierre and Marcel, but the Redneck, northern part of the state where people have names like Bubba and Junior. Anyway, our state legislature decided to address the subject of marriage. They wanted to see if they could do something with our laws to slow down the divorce rate, so they came up with a concept called "Covenant Marriages." It's a relatively hot issue here in Louisiana and the most controversial part involves requiring premarital counseling.

Actually, nothing will change for me because I've been requiring premarital counseling for about twenty years. It did provide me an opportunity to reflect on the wisdom of premarital counseling. I've addressed that subject in our feature article. Mikal has a dynamite article on "Fear."

One of our readers responded to last week's study on premarital sex. She brings a perspective from one who has been there and I asked her permission to share it with you.

Norman

Recently, the State of Louisiana adopted a new "covenant marriage" law as an option for newlyweds. Under the new law, those who choose a "covenant marriage" must receive premarital counseling.

David Mace, a pioneer in the field of marriage enrichment, thought premarital counseling a waste of time since prospective brides and grooms are caught up in the emotions and family pressures of wedding preparation. He thought the carnival like atmosphere that precedes a wedding negates the possibility of rational thought about the marriage itself.

During the early years of my ministry, I did not require those requesting a marriage ceremony at the church to enter counseling. Actually we usually had one session together, which was taken up mostly with such monumental matters as where the bride and groom would stand, rules for the photographer and decisions about who is going to clean up the church building.

About twenty years ago, I noticed a relatively high divorce rate among these newlyweds. I made the decision to require six hours of premarital counseling prior to the wedding. We try to define marriage. We talk about family backgrounds, courtship experiences, in-law relationships, finances, communication, sex and religion. In the last session we deal with the ceremony. Before the actual counseling begins, I ask the couple to complete a personality profile inventory, using a professionally prepared psychological instrument. (Certification is required to be permitted to use such instruments). On occasion, a couple will prefer to counsel with a marriage and family therapist, which is acceptable to me.

Does it make any difference in the marriage? I can only answer in terms of the track record. I began requiring premarital counseling twenty years ago (no counseling; no wedding ceremony). Since that time, I have probably performed between 40 and 50 ceremonies and. I know of only three couples who have divorced.

Why does it make a difference? For one thing our discussions often require a couple to talk about subjects they have been avoiding. Sometimes couples think they are compatible because they like the same kind of music, vote the same way in elections, attend the same church, etc. Actually, they don't know one another very well. Their conversation level is incredibly superficial. In counseling we encourage them to move to deeper levels of talk.

On the other hand, I would have to concede that Mace may have a point. Many couples may not be interested in confronting hard issues in their relationship prior to marriage. Nevertheless. when conflicts arise, couples will often recall our conversations. Should marital problems arise, the fear of counseling has been removed. I'm not prepared to say whether the covenant marriage law will insure the stability of future marriages, but I can say that premarital counseling is a definite benefit for any couple anticipating a wedding.

Last week he demanded the sheriff's office be called because hoodlums were surrounding his house. A couple of days later he was showing me around his place and pointing out the heirloom furniture he was certain someone had tried to steal from him. Last night he would not let my mother leave their bedroom because "soldiers from the other side" were invading their home. This is my dad. He suffers from some kind of severe dementia. Much of his time he spends in a prison created by his poorly functioning intellect. The walls of this prison are reinforced by an all-consuming fear. No one can deter him from his haunted reasoning when the terror prevails.

Couples build solid, virtually impenetrable walls between themselves due to a fear with little more basis than the haunts of my dad. We learned a long, long time ago, in the best and the worst of homes, that people really can not satisfy our deepest desires. Tragically, some were hurt more deeply than others. As a result of our disappointments and hurts from our earliest relationships we each made a decision about how we would avoid any such pain in the future. We began to develop self-protective behaviors, which possibly served us well as children, but can no longer serve us in adulthood.

These self-protective behaviors have their origin in two basic fears. One is the fear of punishment or control, and the other is the fear of abandonment or loss of protection. We might also develop a combination of the two. These basic fears stem from a core fear which I call the fear of total obliteration. If I am overly punished or controlled, or if I am totally abandoned (loss of protection), I could be obliterated completely or as trauma specialist Lenore Terr says, "reduced to nothing."

These fears are the root of the self-protective behaviors we develop which build the walls between us and our husbands. These self-protective behaviors fall into two categories, that of the distancer in a relationship and that of the pursuer in a relationship. We all use pursuing or distancing behaviors from time to time and each can be equally dysfunctional. The pursuer may become anxious when distance in the relationship begins to feel uncomfortable. The distancer may become anxious when intimacy in the relationship appears threatening. Then a couple can quarrel over the checkbook, the dishes in the sink or the children in order to obtain a more comfortable distance between each other, or to make contact. You see, the checkbook, the dishes or the children are NOT the real issue, but the anxiety someone feels is. Thus the stage is set for the building of self-protective walls which can eventually destroy a relationship.

The following descriptions of the pursuer and distancer are given in Harriet Lerner's book, The Dance of Anger. (See AAF Newsletter Volume 1 Number 31; August 26, 1996)

react to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship.

place a high value on talking things out and expressing feelings, and believe others should do the same.

feel rejected and take it personally when someone close to them wants more time and space alone or away from the relationship.

in a relationship may negatively label themselves as "too dependent" or "too demanding."

tend to criticize their partner or someone who can't handle feelings or tolerate closeness.

seek emotional distance or physical space when stress is high.

consider themselves to be self-reliant and private persons -- more "do-it- yourselfers" than help-seekers.

have difficulty showing their needy, vulnerable, and dependent sides.

receive such labels as "emotionally unavailable", "withholding," "unable to deal with feelings" from significant others.

manage anxiety in personal relationships by intensifying work-related projects.

may cut off a relationship entirely when things get intense, rather than hanging in and working it out.

open up most freely when they are not pushed or pursued.

Our goal must be to become more comfortable with distance and intimacy and to learn to get our needs met in a more functional manner. Ultimate health is the ability to push fear aside and abandon the dysfunctional behaviors of the pursuer or distancer and move toward your partner in a positive way, without reactive distance or pursuit.

David Schnarch in his book, Passionate Marriage, calls this "holding onto yourself." Schnarch describes "holding onto yourself" in this way: "Instead of matching your partner's feelings and emotional tone when you're locked in protracted arguments, bad feelings, or flaring tempers, holding onto yourself allows you to break free of this form of emotional gridlock called "negative affect reciprocity." Schnarch goes on to say, "When you have a firm hold on yourself, you can allow yourself to be influenced by your spouse (and others) --- while, at the same time, remaining resilient to pressure to conform when it's against your better judgment or feelings. Having a solid but permeable self allows you to take others into account; there is room for your spouse's reality without losing your own. You can be interested in his position during arguments rather than trying to dispute it."

Schnarch says, "When you can control yourself (hold onto yourself), you have less need to control your partner." Schnarch looks at "holding onto yourself" as a developmental task. The marital gridlock must arrive to serve as the impetus for this very necessary growth. "Gridlock," he says, "drives you closer to your own core as it nudges you towards differentiation. And as you get more firsthand experience with your own essence, you become more accepting of everyone else, including your partner." He believes a couple must experience gridlock, which occurs with the feeling of "falling out of love," before the ability to truly love can develop. (Voila! Agape love.) You see that "in love feeling" is really out of our neediness, but agape love develops out of our fullness.

When gridlock occurs, we can begin to realize that our neediness is fed by our fear. Functioning out of our neediness is a no-win proposition. The gridlock can force us to confront ourselves, not our husbands, examine our neediness, and begin the process of being filled. Then we are set to commit agape love. Agape love is borne out of fullness.

Notice 1 Peter 3:1-6. In this reading Peter tells wives how to conduct themselves with their husbands and to "not give way to fear." The first two chapters of 1 Peter are leading us to this position of faith without fear of perishing, because even in 1 Peter 1:3 we are told we are "shielded by God's power." In chapter 2, verse 6, we learn we will "never be put to shame" if we trust in Him. No Obliteration! NO FEAR!!!

But as daughters of the Most High, we entrust ourselves to Him who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23) and cast all our anxiety on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

My next article will look at the elements in this process of self-confrontation as we "hold onto ourselves." To resolve the gridlock, and "hold onto yourself," you must confront yourself, not your partner.

(Mikal Frazier lives in Sibley, Louisiana with her husband, Jim. She is the mother of three adult children and two grandsons, whom she will tell you all about if you give her half a chance. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She is also a devoted Christian)

(used by permission)

I hope you don't mind but I would like to give you my thoughts on this subject as it is very personal to me.

Living together before marriage is one of our most destructive social trends. Why and how can I say this? Because I've been there. Let's not even consider the relationship. Mine remained shaky and uncommitted until we truly got married. We were just the individuals.

My walk with the Lord truly began after I began living with the man who is now my husband. Shortly after our live-in life began I became pregnant with twins. I already had three children from a previous marriage. Ten months after the twins were born, along came our baby. Now we had six kids to raise and no commitment. If he wanted to get married - I didn't. When I wanted to get married - he didn't. After years of breaking up and getting back together we decided the best thing for the children was to keep them active in church. This meant we had to be active.

Suddenly, we had a new dimension in our relationship - Jesus. At first we just kept going like we were - considering ourselves common law married. Finally, conviction hit me like a ton of bricks and I went running to him totally broken apart. Conviction had not hit him. Another argument, another separation. I was beginning to believe that, although I loved this man I was going to have to go on my own. Finally, I put my foot down - standing in faith that God would make my family whole. Either he married me or he did not live with us - God would protect and provide for us. Standing in faith worked. Two months later after some serious counseling he and I married. Now our faith and our relationship is stronger than ever.

I would never want anyone to go through the pain and turmoil this situation caused us both emotionally and spiritually.

Love in Christ,

(name withheld)

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE STUDY "New Families in Christ"