CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE STUDY: "New Families in Christ"
  TEXT: Colossians 3:18-21

JUST VISITING

Norman

In Colossians 3, Paul encouraged his readers to live by new standards. In verse 2, he said, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." He wanted his readers to understand that their commitment to the gospel affects every aspect of their lives.

Becoming a Christian means that things change. Paul had explained to the Corinthians that all things are new in Christ. Old things are passed away. (See 2 Corinthians 5:17). There is no area in which our commitment to the new life in Christ is tested more seriously than in family relationships.

Among other things, Paul wrote to his friends who lived in the Lychus river valley to help them see the connection between the new life in Christ and the affairs of daily living in their families. He wrote,

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Additional Instruction From Other Teachers

In my study of Colossians, I'm impressed by the fact that Paul chose to be selective in his discussion of family responsibility. Although Paul's teaching about family takes up only about 4 per cent of the Colossian letter, I doubt very seriously that these four verses made up everything the Colossian church was taught about family relationships. The people there had exposure to Christian instruction from numerous other sources. Epaphras was a home town boy and he was traveling with Paul. Quite possibly on his return home, Epaphras would have been given opportunity to expand on Paul's message. Two men, Tychichus and Onesimus, were apparently bringing the letter with them. Perhaps the Colossians received significant oral teaching from these two brothers, who had recently been in Paul's company. Mark was planning a trip to Colosse and Archippus was assisting them in some kind of project that Paul wanted them to bring to completion. Besides that, a letter had been sent to Laodicea, which Paul expected to circulate among the Colossians. How detailed all this teaching was, we can't say, but evidently, it went far beyond the skeleton outline we have in Colossians.

We actually have only a limited number of Biblical texts which deal specifically with families. There is a tremendous amount of Biblical material on human relationships. The same principles God wants us to observe in dealing with fellow Christians, fellow workers and friends, also apply to the family. For example, in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, Paul describes love this way, " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Was Paul talking specifically to families? Obviously it's much broader than that. Does it apply to families? Absolutely.

Colossians 3:18-21 was not intended to be a comprehensive guide on family responsibilities for the members of the Colossian church and it most certainly does not tell us everything we need to know. On the other hand, it gives us some important information about how we make family relationships work.

In these verses Paul discussed the nature of submission. The word "submit" raises a red flag in today's world. A few years ago, I performed a marriage ceremony for a couple who had met through "Parents without Partners." Just before the wedding, the bride and groom both came to me and said, "We want you to read Ephesians 5:22-33 in the ceremony." That's an expanded version of Colossians 3:18-21. Just like this section it starts out by saying, "Wives submit to yours husbands." These folks from "Parents Without Partners" were not church going folks for the most part. I simply read Paul's words. I thought I could almost hear an audible gasp and some even talked with me about it after the ceremony. Paul seemed out of touch with the nineties. Their aversion to submission arose partly from their spirit of independence. They were caught up in the prevailing sentiment of the times. Some of it may have stemmed from a failure to understand what Paul meant by submission.

Mutual Submission

The word translated "submit" is a military term and it means "to put yourself under the leadership of another." Paul speaks of voluntary submission. Biblical submission is not only voluntary, it is reciprocal. In the Ephesians passage, Paul prefaced his discussion of wives being in submission with this thought in Ephesians 5:21 " Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." That verse says every one who has reverence for Christ submits to everyone else. That's mutual submission. Does it apply to a husband and wife? If they're both Christians, why wouldn't it apply? I reiterate my premise that New Testament teaching about relationships in general applies to the family as much as it does to other relationships. In Ephesians 5, Paul was saying that mutual submission flows naturally out of our reverence for Christ.

A Basic Principle of Christian Living

Until we learn mutual submission, we're going to have trouble getting along with people. If you see a person, who has trouble getting along with the folks at work and getting along with the folks at church, there's a good chance that person isn't doing all that well in a family relationship.

Here's the basic problem. In every person, there is a tendency toward being self-willed. In every person there is a desire for power and a fear of losing control. Power urges are at the root of most human conflict. We ask, "Who's going to call the shots?" "Whose will is going to prevail?" "Who's going to be king of the hill?" "Who's going to be number one in the pecking order?"

In the late 1930's William Waller wrote several books about families even though his own family experience was a complete disaster. His parents' marriage had been a failure, so he didn't have a very good model. After years of bitter struggle, Waller and his wife gave up on their marriage and got a divorce. He tried to find out why his own family experience had been so unsatisfactory.

He began seeing a lot of marriages crumbling in divorce, but these were the depression years, and divorce wasn't an option for many people because they simply couldn't afford it. He concluded that many married couples stayed together for religious reasons or a sense of family obligation, but in many of these marriages he saw extreme unhappiness. He kept trying to find the cause. Ultimately he decided that the underlying cause of all this marital discontent could be explained by the inherent craving for power in human nature. (Source: Anthony Campolo. The Power Delusion. (p. 17).

If Waller was correct (and I don't see how you can successfully refute his premise), then it makes perfect sense that Paul would say to Christians, whose minds are set on things above, "you need to learn how to submit. " Paul is telling us to forget about trying to protect our positions of power and relinquish the desire to control others. Only then can we expect to enjoy human relationships.

That fits like a hand in a glove with such comments as "is fitting in the Lord" and "for this pleases the Lord." And it also fits with the example of Christ. Paul's main subject in Colossians is "Christ in you, the hope of Glory." (1:27). There's no doubt that he thought of Jesus as the head of the church . He said as much in Colossians 1:18, but Jesus didn't gain that position through power manipulation. He gained it through submission. According to Philippians 2:8 ". . . he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross!" If we're going to get along with each other we will have to humble ourselves as Christ did. If we're going to make our homes Christ like homes, we have to learn how to submit.

1. Submissive wives.

How are we to understand "Wives submit to your husbands?" Some husbands read that passage and assume that it gives them dictatorial privileges. Some wives read it and think Paul was a male chauvinist completely out of touch with the world we live in today.

What does submission mean? Does it mean that a woman never has a thought of her own? Does it mean that she never has any input into family decisions? Does it mean that she is expected to give in to the demands of her husband regardless of how ridiculous, insensitive, manipulative or violent those demands may be?

I suggest those things are not even close to what Paul had in mind. On the other hand, submission does mean that a wife will resist the temptation to play manipulative games with her husband in order to get her way. It means that she will place the welfare of her husband and her family above her own. She must resist the temptation to become involved in a power struggle with her husband.

2. Loving husbands.

Paul spoke directly to the subject of sensitivity on the part of husbands. "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (19). In talking to the husbands, he didn't use the word "submit," but he did use the term "love." The husband who loves his wife will always act in his wife's best interest He will sacrifice his own desires, wants and privileges for the sake of his family. Paul probably didn't use the word "submit" because that means to "put yourself under the leadership of another." According to Ephesians 5:23 ". . . the husband is the head of the wife. . . ." Paul did not want a husband to relinquish his leadership, because that's a role God has assigned him. Good leaders don't say, "I'm in charge here. I'm entitled to a few perks because I'm the one in charge." As a matter of fact, a good leader will voluntarily give up comforts, wants and privileges for the sake of those whom he leads.

A few years ago, a lady in our congregation lost her father. Ann and I called on our friend and her mother at the funeral home. As they stood by his casket, they told me a remarkable story about their late father and husband. He usually rode home from work in a car pool. In the summer time, these fellows would stop off and enjoy an ice cream cone together. This fellow would go with his friends, but he would not buy an ice cream cone. When they asked him to explain his reasons, he said, "My wife and daughter can't be here to share it with me. If they can't have an ice cream cone, I won't have an ice cream cone." His wife told him that was foolish. If he had the opportunity, he ought to take it, but he never changed his practice. In his refusal, he communicated a very important message to his family. He said "You're so important to me that if you can't share the pleasure with me, I don't want to have it for myself." I don't know that I would do that. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't, but I have to admire a man who cared for his family that deeply and I can tell you that submission was never an issue for his wife and daughter.

Such acts of unselfish consideration cut against the grain of our human nature. Such behavior seems unnatural to that which the Bible calls the flesh, but Paul is calling us to new standards. He wants us to set our hearts on things above and we do that by deliberately denying the tendency to be self-willed.

That lesson is particularly hard for males to learn. There's a reason that he warns against harshness. We are naturally inclined in that direction. Maybe it's explained by the presence of testosterone. After all, traditionally men are the hunters and warriors and as hunters and warriors, gentleness is not a natural characteristic. You have to work at it.

3. Parent - Child Relationships.

Paul told the Colossians that "children must obey their parents in everything." He didn't use the word "submit," instead he used a word that means "absolute obedience."

Again, we as parents need to understand that the command to obey does not give us carte blanche permission to impose unreasonable demands on our children. If God expects husbands to exercise their leadership with great sensitivity in the marriage relationship, he expects no less in the parent-child relationship. Paul is not saying, "There is one family relationship in which you are allowed to be an absolute tyrant. You can impose your own self centered will on your child."

Everything mentioned in these verses is given in the context of love. That's borne out by the fact that Paul said to the father, ". . . do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged." When my oldest son was a teenager, we were walking down the street together one day, when we noticed a man and his teenage son engaged in a landscaping project in the back yard. The boy was working pretty hard. I said to my son, "Do you see that young man? He's working hard to help his Dad." My boy was not impressed. He said, "Well, he's probably got an overbearing father, too."

I don't accept the idea that requiring children to work is being "overbearing." They had child labor laws even when I was growing up, but my father seemingly never heard of them. I can say, with the hindsight of time, that one of the best things my Dad ever did for me was to require me to work on the farm.

But there is a difference between requiring that which is in a child's best interest and arbitrarily demanding compliance to unreasonable demands. Remember that Colossians really gives us only the barest outline of Christian concern about families and yet included in that outline is a warning. Paul wanted fathers to understand that there's a line that separates reasonableness from unreasonableness. When a parent crosses that line, the end result will not be a child making progress toward mature and responsible adulthood. The end result will be embitterment and discouragement.

I'm amazed at how lightly we take this principle. I have read numerous essays, articles and sermons on the subject of parenting, but I have not seen one, that I can recall, which dealt with Colossians 3:21. In an age and time when we know that child abuse is a fact of life - sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse - to me it's incredible that we almost never think about Colossians 3:21.

Many years ago, I enrolled in a graduate counseling course taught by Dr. Paul Southern, who then chaired the Department of Bible at Abilene Christian. He shared an article with us about parenting that fits Colossians 3:21. It is as current today as it was then.

WITH WHAT IS YOUR CHILD LIVING?

By Dorothy Law

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn, with hostility, he learns to fight, with fear, he learns to be apprehensive, with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself, with jealousy, he learns to feel guilty, with encouragement, he learns confidence, with tolerance he learns to be patient, with praise, he learns to be appreciative, with acceptance he learns to love, with approval he learns to like himself, with recognition, he learns to have a goal, with fairness, he learns what justice is, with security, he learns to have faith in himself, with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live. With what is your child living?

CONCLUSION

Some years ago, I was teaching a class and in the process of describing Biblical principles, a lady stopped me and said, "Norman, isn't that somewhat idealistic?" It occurs to me that the family relationship principles that I have shared may sound idealistic - standards for the ideal family under ideal conditions.

Perhaps it is idealistic. Perhaps the practical reality in all our homes is somewhat different from the picture that Paul has presented. If that be the case, I would suggest to you that it is my job to hold the ideal before you. It's not going to help your family if we lower the ideal and make it fit the reality we see. I would suggest that by keeping the ideal before us, reality will come closer to reflecting the ideal than it would if we were to say the ideal is not practical, so let's just forget about it.

Again I want to remind you that we fall short of the ideal because deep down we have the urge to control, to rule, to be in charge, to have our way. That is not a Christian urge. It is a Satanic urge. When John Milton wrote _Paradise Lost_, he put these words in the mouth of Satan. "To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell. Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven." That's the way of the world, but for new families in Christ, the goal to be sought is expressed in the words of Jesus. "Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be the slave of all" (Mark 10:43-44)

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "CONTROLLERS AND DISENGAGERS"