CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: "CONTROLLERS AND DISENGAGERS"
• FROM THE E- MAIL BAG - "Response to Essay on Premarital Counseling"
  by Lynn Decker

JUST VISITING

I feel like I'm producing the newsletter with half my resources. Ann (my wife) doesn't consider herself a part of the AAF staff. I even receive regular warnings not to send out her name indiscriminately to newsletter readers all over the world. She doesn't want anyone to disturb her comfortable cocoon in Minden, Louisiana. I patiently listen and quietly ignore her. She contributes greatly to the newsletter. She proofreads and critiques every article. Occasional errors do get by both of us, but it would probably be a real mess if I didn't have her going over it with a fine tooth comb. She's also working on a book review. I hope she lets me attach her name to it. I'm not sure who's going to be the controller and who's going to be the disengager in this contest (see today's feature essay).

She has gone to visit her sisters, who live in Waco, Texas and thus I am without my proof reader and editorial critic. That's on top of having to "batch it" for a week. (Don't send sympathy messages; send home cooked meals, although I don't know any way to do that electronically).

In the July 14 (Volume 2 Number 25) issue I addressed the subject of premarital counseling. Lynn Decker, who lives on Long Island, wrote a thoughtful response. I asked for permission to reproduce it. Her response appears in this issue. To me it confirms the importance of premarital counseling.

Norman

Controllers and disengagers really know how to mess up a family. Controllers are those people who must have their way. Disengagers let them have their way, but usually find a way to turn the controllers' triumphs into hollow victories. The controller says, "It's my way or the highway." The disengager says, "You can have your way, but I won't let you savor the conquest."

Men are often, though not always, the family controllers. Some of them love to quote Scripture in defense of their right to maintain iron fisted, unquestioned rule over their wives and family. They've got all kinds of prooftexts. ". . . the head of the woman is man. . . (1 Corinthians 11:3). ". . . the husband is the head of the wife. . . (Ephesians 5:23). A man was commanded to ". . . manage his own family. . ." in 1 Timothy 3:4.

To a degree they have a point. The Bible does make the husband and father, the family's leader, but he is not an arbitrary controller. Nothing in the scriptures every suggest that a husband has the right to become a tyrant. He's not the Napoleon of the family. He is required to love his wife as ". . .Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. . . ." (Ephesians 5:25). He is to love his wife as his own body (Ephesians 5:28-29). Controllers are arrogant, hostile, self centered, demanding despots. God did not authorize tyranny in the family or anywhere else. The picture of headship that emerges in Scripture is that of a loving, self-sacrificing, considerate, caring, sensitive person. Jesus said that controlling is a Gentile characteristic. "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them and their high officials exercise authority over them" (Matthew 20:25). He rejected the Gentile model of leadership as a standard for the kingdom. "Not so with you, Instead whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant" (Matthew 20:26). That's the standard for the kingdom and its also the standard for the home.

While controlling is a destructive family relationship style, the same thing can be said about disengagement. Although it is not exclusively practiced by women, passive aggression is often the relationship style chosen by those women who are married to controllers. Like her controlling husband, a disengager will insist that she honors the teachings of the Bible concerning the submission of wives. She does not demand a place of prominence and usually doesn't get her way when her desires conflict with those of her controlling husband.

On the other hand a disengager has the capacity to effectively sabotage family unity. Suppose a decision is made to go on vacation that goes against her wishes. She may find a way to get out of going or spend the entire time making life miserable for everyone else with incessant complaining about everything from the poor food to the hot weather. Disengagers often conveniently forget, profess not to have understood, and procrastinate. They see themselves as victims of the controllers' treachery and they use the only weapons of retaliation available to them.

Who wins the power struggle between the controllers and the disengagers? Nobody does. Everybody loses and when the battle is fought between a mother and father, the children experience the greatest sense of loss. From time to time, we all need to rethink our relationship styles. Do we practice controlling, disengagement, or more healthy patterns of relating?

We received the following e-mail message from Lynn Decker, who has given permission to reproduce it in our newsletter.

"I would like to humbly submit my reaction to your article about premarital counseling.

I was involved in a relationship that wasn't such a great thing. Over a course of time, we had broken up twice, and I resisted getting together a third time, but eventually acquiesced. I was very young (20 years old). Well, one thing that we had going for us was that we were both faithful Christians who loved the Lord. (We belong to the Long Island Church of Christ.) Another thing we had going for us was that we went to premarital counseling.

I thank God for the counseling that we received. We decided not to marry. It was the hardest (and best) decision of my life. Without the counseling, it would have been easy to plow ahead and get married, even though deep-down, we knew it wasn't right. We are now very close friends. I love him deeply (even more now than when we were engaged!). I truly love him as a brother, when I think I used to think of him only as my boyfriend/fiancee.

On similar note, I would like to mention that our congregation actually does dating counseling. It is designed to help people in serious dating relationships decide to continue in their relationships or to take a long, hard look at them. This all happens before the romance of the wedding takes over and obscures the clarity of your thoughts. It is group counseling, and there are two groups going on right now. (These are the first two groups to go through the dating counseling.)

Thank you for the hard work you do. I appreciate the articles I receive every Monday. Keep up the good work!"

Lynn Decker

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE STUDY "The Marriage Covenant"