CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLE: WHEN IS SELF DISCLOSURE HEALTHY?
- BOOK REVIEW: WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE WANTS TO LEAVE. by Donald R. Harvey.
JUST VISITING
II once heard Lynn Anderson talk about the "regurgitation theory of honesty." That was his label for the belief that integrity requires indiscriminate revealing every aspect of one's thinking, including all the negative, nasty and misguided things we have thought. In the sixties we spoke of "letting it all hang out." Total revelation without any concern for the feelings and sensitivity of others is not a healthy thing in a marriage. Our feature article addresses that issue.
This week, I'm reviewing When the One You Love Wants to Leave by Donald Harvey. Frequently, we receive e-mail posts from readers whose spouses are either threatening to leave or have already left. We don't publish their letters in FROM THE E-MAILBAG because they are too personal. I have often wished that I could be more helpful in my replies to them. Recently, I discovered Donald Harvey's book. It has more practical help than any book I have seen on this subject. His book is the subject of today's book review.
WHEN IS SELF DISCLOSURE HEALTHY?
A couple, whom I will call Harry and Jane, attended a marriage seminar and concluded they needed complete self disclosure in order to strengthen their relationship. They initiated their policy of honest communication by exchanging a list of grievances. Harry's list started out, "This is what I don't like about Jane." Her list started the same way. By the time they finished, Harry looked like a modern day Genghis Khan and Jane came across only slightly more sensitive than Jezebel.
The result of this "open communication" was devastating. Both parties felt unjustly accused and became defensive. Instead of making their marriage better, total self disclosure resulted in a major hit on their relationship. They never recovered from the damage. Indiscriminate confession was not the only contributing factor toward their eventual divorce, but it certainly speeded the process along.
Self disclosure has the potential to deepen intimacy in marriage, but revealing all one's negative thoughts serves no useful purpose when utilized at an attack tool. It has been said that "Compassion without honesty is sentimentality, but honesty without compassion is brutality." Harry and Jane may have been honest with each other, but their lack of sensitivity turned honesty into a brutal attack on the character of one another.
Some years ago, Ann and I struggled with this very issue. Our marriage was floundering and I thought we needed to bring everything out in the open. As I saw it, enduring the pain of an attack on my ego was necessary to facilitate the healing process.. To some degree, I correctly assessed our situation. We did have to work through many issues and conflicts. We needed to be open enough to resolve those issues, which threatened the stability of our relationship at the time. On the other hand, reviewing every offense and reliving every painful memory made no more sense than going through one's garbage and recalling how it became rubbish.
We needed to put the past behind us and start over. Regret, resentment, reproach, and revenge all had to be abandoned. We found encouragement from the example of Joseph. He might have resented being sold into slavery, the years of isolation from his family, the hardships he experienced. As a powerful leader in Egypt, he was in a position to force his brothers to listen to his grievances. Instead, he could see how God used their malicious actions to bless everyone concerned. He said, ". . . . it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you" (Genesis 45:5).
How can you tell when self disclosure is healthy and when it's destructive? I would suggest that it is never God's will to brutalize people. If self disclosure becomes an attack on the personhood of someone else, it is never right. When self disclosure simply becomes an occasion to rehash old issues that need to be buried, it accomplished no positive effect. When confession offers no prospect of strengthening the marriage bond, it is wiser to remain silent. Conversely, if self-disclosure serves to expand mutual understanding, a marriage will profit from the process. Family therapist Norman Wright suggests, "We all grow and function best in an atmosphere of acceptance" (Family is Still a Great Idea. p. 85).
BOOK REVIEW
When the One You Love Wants to Leave, by Donald R. Harvey. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1993. 222 pp. (paper).
When a marriage partner threatens to leave or decides to move out of the house, the other spouse usually experiences a painful feeling of rejection. Few Christian oriented resources for handling rejection are available. After all Christian marriages are supposed to work. If we develop coping resources for faltering marriages, it sounds like we're admitting failure.
Donald R. Harvey, a Nashville based marriage therapist, believes it is time to bind up the wounds of rejected spouses. He actively promotes reconciliation, but his approach challenges conventional wisdom.
Harvey consistently describes scenarios in which husbands leave their wives. Although he believes the principles interchange when wives abandon their husbands, he stays with the "husband-leaving-home" model because men are much more likely to bail out of marriage than women and because rejected women usually experience greater emotional pain in separation.
According to Harvey, men leave their wives for one of three reasons.
1. Some are pulled out. This means involvement with another woman.
2. Some are pushed out. Pushed out husbands feel entrapped and intruded upon so they leave.
3. Some are put out. These husbands are forced out of the home by their wives because of continuous, repeated incidents of irresponsible behavior (substance abuse for example).
Harvey's solution to separation is easy to explain and difficult to execute. The rejectee (the spouse who stays) must let the rejector ( the spouse who leaves) go. He writes, "Giving him some space and time may lead to his discovering that greener pastures, at least as he envisioned them, are only a myth. If this occurs, he may be ready to swing back to the marriage" (p. 51). While the plan sounds simple and rational, the person who attempts it can expect to encounter numerous difficulties when trying to carry it out. The first hurdle will be dealing with her own emotions. Regardless of what her husband has done, she loves him, misses him and is so anxious to hear from him, she can't wait for the ringing of the telephone. Harvey thinks all that has to stop. There is to be no communication except for necessary business matters until the rejector is ready to think about working out the problem.
A rejected spouse will also be pressured by friends, family, church and even the rejected spouse to compromise this no contact policy. The author insists that pursuing the departing husband, confuses the issue, prolongs his absence and reduces the likelihood of an eventual satisfactory reconciliation. The rejectee must structure the separation. This can be a complicated process. For example, the author observes, "I would guess that the majority of couples who separate continue some degree of sexual activity after the husband has left" (p. 56) He thinks that's a big mistake. When he's invited into the bedroom he left, the husband who abandons his home, has the best of both worlds - the benefits of marriage and none of its responsibilities.
Churches and ministers often advise the separated woman to pursue her estranged spouse. She is urged to "love her husband back," to win him through "loving submission," She may be told, "If you were truly Christian in your behavior, he never would have left." Harvey thinks this is poor advice that can only result in further estrangement. Even so, he insists that his book is biblically based and Christian. He cites the departure of the prodigal son as a model for letting go.
The book deals with specific problems involved in each of the three categories. The pulled out husband is completely driven by emotions and will not deal with his situation rationally until the liaison with the other woman has run it's course. In the beginning he experiences only a moderate degree of emotional pain, because he has someone to go to and because he's running entirely on emotion. The pushed out husband remains in a state of confusion and doesn't know whether he wants to work on rebuilding the marriage or not. The put out husband wants to come back and will frequently promise to reform and will also use other manipulative tools to gain his goal.
While Harvey's decision to describe separation exclusively from the female point of view is understandable, one wonders if men, who are cast in the role of "rejectees" would cast it aside thinking it is a women's book. Men often tend to resist reading anyway, but many men need the kind of help Harvey offers and we need to find a way to address their concerns.
Perhaps you know one or more people whose marriage is in serious difficulty or friends who have recently separated. You will do them a favor if you place When the One You Love Wants to Leave in their hands.
Norman Bales
Minden, Louisiana
NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "WATCH YOUR WORDS?
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com