CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: "Watch Your Words"
• "Why Couples Have Marriage Problems" (Random Quotations)

JUST VISITING

Vic Phares, our dependable tech manager tells me that we are pushing the 1900 mark in subscriptions. We are having some problems with our Juno subscribers. At this point, we don't know quite how to handle the problem. The problem is compounded by the fact that most Juno subscribers do not have internet access. That gives us an opportunity to remind you that you can read all the back issues at our internet site. The address appears at the bottom of this newsletter.

I used to hear the cliché "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Take it from me, words can and do hurt people. Our feature article deals with giving more careful thought to the words we say, especially to those whom we love the most.

We've also put together a collage of quotations from various observers on family life. They provide us some serious matters to think about as we see families continue to experience stress and trauma.

Norman

You've heard the cliché, "actions speak louder than words." True enough, but words are not totally useless. Eric Hoffer once said, "Action can give us the feeling of being useful, but only words can give us a sense of weight and purpose." Words express ideas, enabling us to communicate, encourage, instruct and deepen understanding. James H. Jauncey called speech "the messenger of personality." Words are especially powerful instruments of communication in marriage.

By itself, speech is neutral. Ill advised words spoken to one's spouse destroy intimacy, shut down communication and build walls of hostility. On the other hand words, potentially improve the quality of married life. The author of Proverbs told his readers, "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" (Proverbs 25:11 - NIV). Since our word choices determine their effect on our relationships, we need to choose them carefully. In marriage the following principles are recommended.

1. Talk about those things that interest your spouse. Most wives aren't interested in the firing order of the spark plugs on an automobile engine. Most husbands really don't understand the phrase, "knit one and purl two" and they're not anxious to learn.

2. Avoid competition. It's a childish maneuver to display one's vocabulary skills in an attempt to demonstrate intellectual superiority. If you want to really shut down communication, the best way to do it, is belittling your spouse with uncomplimentary name calling, questioning your spouse's intelligence and tossing about insulting remarks concerning your partner's appearance.

3. Use appropriate vocabulary. When we express disagreement, most of us tend to exaggerate. It might be appropriate to say, "Have you really thought that idea through? I think there may be some weaknesses in your reasoning." That sounds much better than saying, "That's the dumbest idea you've come up with in all the years we've been married, you probably hold the a world's record for stupid ideas."

4. Build your relationship through words of genuine praise. We all have a need for affirmation. We especially need to be affirmed by those who are closest to us. We acquire the habit of focusing on faults and we ignore virtues. If we want our relationships to improve, we must break the pattern of fault finding. Make a list of your spouses virtues and slowly begin verbalizing compliments (If you overdo it, you do it wrong). Many marriages have been rescued from mediocrity by the simple act of becoming more sensitive to affirmation.

If you value your marriage and want to improve its quality, you need to apply the recommendation of Paul to your relationship. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).