CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: AN OLD MOVIE ABOUT FAMILY COMMITMENT
• IF I WERE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT, I WOULD
  ...THE CHRIST-CENTERED WIFE
  THE PROCRUSTEAN BED, COMFORT ZONES AND BLAME
  by Mikal Frazier

JUST VISITING

Sometime ago, a friend asked me to rethink the practice of using the phrase "family values." He thought the phrase overworked, cheapened and gutted of its meaning by the time the spin doctors get through with it. There's some merit to what he says and I've been looking for alternative ways of saying it. In fact, I think this is the first time the word has appeared in our newsletter since then. (You can check me out through the search feature at our website). He proposed "family character" as an alternative but that doesn't always fit my sentence structure. Anyway, this week's feature article deals with a decision that a family makes to be a united family despite disappointment and external pressures. I don't know if you call that family values, family virtues or just family harmony, but it's a good concept that must survive in our homes if we expect our society to survive. I hope you enjoy it.

Norman

AN OLD MOVIE ABOUT FAMILY COMMITMENT

Recently, I watched an old movie, Meet Me in St. Louis, filmed in 1944. The story develops around the Alonzo Smith family, who live in an upper middle class Edwardian home. The year is 1903 and they eagerly await the start of the 1904 World's Fair.

Based on the memoirs of Sally Benson and originally written for the -New Yorker, the film depicts family interaction over the four seasons prior to the fair. Conflict develops at Halloween, when Alonzo Smith announces plans to relocate the family in New York after Christmas. He probably would have caused less commotion if he had turned a skunk loose in the living room. Everyone is upset over the idea. One family member protests, "In New York, rich people live in houses. People like us live in flats, hundred of flats in one building." And what about the World's Fair? A Halloween cake is quickly abandoned as all the family members except, Alonzo's wife, Anna, decide they can no longer remain in the presence of such an insensitive tyrant. Alonzo is baffled by their response. He's only thinking of the family's future. Now he braces himself for Anna's assault, but it never comes.

Instead, she seats herself at the piano and begins to play a tune. Alonzo's face brightens. The song, "You and I," evidently had once touched their emotions at a deep level. He steps to the piano and begins to croon the lyrics. At this point, other family members return, pick up their desserts, take seats around the room and begin eating. Anna fills in the harmony notes on the last chorus. The family has voted to be a family. The solidarity of the family unit remains intact.

Two thoughts crossed my mind as I viewed the movie. (1) No contemporary movie producer would make such a film today. (2) Story is a most powerful way to communicate the principle of family harmony. Sarah Benson wrote a story to tell us that the decision to be a family despite personal disappointents is more important than material things, personal agendas, and comfort zones. Director Vincente Minnelli skillfully translated the message to film.

The concept of family goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The human race was designed for family. We weren't created to breed like animals, to abandon families in times of stress and difficulty, to discard husbands and wives the same way we discard old shoes when they wear out. According to Matthew 19:6, God is our partner in marriage and he expects us to stay together. What's a family about? It's about commitment, responsibility, loyalty, unity, understanding and compassion.

If you haven't seen Meet Me In St. Louis in a while, don't read the rest of this article. It will spoil the movie for you. At Christmas time, the family seemed resigned to making the inevitable move to New York. Boxes were packed and ready to be shipped, but the Alonzo Smith thought things over and decided the family would remain in St. Louis. He wasn't an insensitive tyrant after all.

Barbara Streisand once asked, "Why does a woman spend ten years trying to change her husband and then complain, `You're not the man I married.'" (Schnarch in Passionate Marriage .)

Procrustes, a robber in Greek legend who lived in Attica, had an iron bed on which he placed his victims in an attempt to "change" them. There the shorter victims were stretched and hammered until they were long enough to fit his iron bed, and the bodies of the taller victims were surgically trimmed to become the perfect fit. In either event, death resulted from Procrustes' demands. In the end, Procrustes himself, met the same fate at the hands of the young Attic hero, Theseus. Dear Christian wife, when you envision your husband as being your roadblock to happiness, and you must attempt to change him and his behavior in order to obtain your joy, you run a very great risk of duplicating the results of Procrustes and his victims.

But sometimes your husband's behavior is problematic for you, so what can you do? Up until this time I have been describing the perspective and position of the Christ-centered wife. The previous articles have been directed toward developing the mindset of being filled with the Spirit and from that fullness knowing that you have a choice of how to respond in the midst of conflict.

Perhaps it has sounded as if you are left with no other recourse than to stand still stalwartly, take whatever perceived unfairness may come your way, stuff it deep inside yourself with no response or acknowledgment, and then go about your daily activity pretending everything is wonderful and no pain has ever touched your heart.

No, that would not be a healthy choice either. Some wives, perhaps out of a misunderstanding of the meaning of submission, or out of the sin of fear, do meekly and quietly stuff any objection or comment about their pain. In order to build toward a healthier relationship you must learn to let your husband know the effect his behavior has on you, positively and negatively. This will probably require you to move out of your comfort zone. You see fear keeps us in our comfort zone. We are afraid to move out of that comfort zone and risk doing something different. And if you let your husband know the effect his behavior has on you, either negatively or positively, then you have really made yourself vulnerable to him, haven't you. Now he knows how important he is to you. Now he knows, most overtly, where your hot buttons are. Yes, this is a very risky position. But this is also the core of developing intimacy. Someone has described intimacy as being "shared privacy." When you can move out of your comfort zone, risk sharing with your husband the effect he has on you in your most private being, then you are beginning to develop intimacy. And when you have your confidence in Jesus, and you know that your husband cannot (and really does not want to) ultimately destroy you (Romans 8), you can take that risk.

In the past, when his behavior has had a negative impact on you, if your reaction has been to angrily lash out with statements of blame, you must risk doing something different. Blame comes from a position of fear (the sinful kind). Virginia Satir, a leader in the study of human communication, says in her book Peoplemaking that deep inside herself the blamer is saying, "I am lonely and unsuccessful." Lori Gordon in her book Passage to Intimacy adds the feeling of "unlovable" as a driving force behind blame. Gordon goes on to explain that the blamer is unable or afraid to acknowledge and express pain or fear. The blamer becomes a critical, fault-finding dictator who believes she can count (or feel a distorted kind of love) only if she can get others to change and obey her. She acts in some very unlovable ways in order to get her husband to love her. So the blamer must go on the attack and resort to anger in an attempt to make her husband fit her ideal, just as fatally as Procrustes with his iron bed. As you can see, blame does not come from a healthy stance and certainly not from a wife who is filled with the Holy Spirit.

So what are the options? Being quiet and stuffing it will not enrich your relationship. Lashing out aggressively with anger and blame are certainly not from the Spirit. These first two options are couched in sinful fear. But there is a wonderful third choice in which you kindly and calmly state what is going on with yourself. You see, now that you are filled with the Spirit, you can make a statement from your filled self who is no longer driven by fear. In clinical terms we call this an "I" message. And yes, it may seem a bit stilted and structured, but it works. After all of my training and nearly 30 years experience in what does and does not work in my marriage, my healthiest and most effective choice to overcoming an unpleasant event or for handling the inevitable tension which arises, is to use an "I" message.

An "I" message takes the place of what we might call a "you" message. An "I" message focuses on the speaker, whereas a "you" message focuses on the other person, in this case, your husband. An "I" message is specific and without judgment. A "you" message communicates hostility and blame. Phrasing your message as an "I" message rather than a "you" message aids communication and does not contribute to the escalation of a quarrel. To attack your husband with a "you" message will probably put him on the defensive as he feels blamed and ready to defend himself. An "I" message can be chosen whether the other party chooses to use such healthy communication or not.

To create an "I" message:

1. Describe the behavior that is affecting you (without blame).
2. State the feeling you have in response to this behavior.
3. Describe the consequence this behavior might have for you (without blame).

Examples of "I" messages:

1. When you talk to me that way I feel hurt and discounted because I begin to think I do not matter to you.
2. When you did not kiss me good-bye this morning, I felt hurt because I wanted to part on a more positive note.
3. When you called me from the office today, I really felt loved and important to you, because you thought about me.
4. When you forget to record the checks in the checkbook, I feel really irritated and concerned, because I have no way of knowing how much is left. We could overdraw.

Tips on "I" messages:

1. When you state the feeling part of your message do not use the phrases "I feel that..." or "I feel like...", because what follows these phrases are not feelings, but beliefs or statements, possibly of blame.
2. No matter what your husband's response is to your statement, you made the healthy choice in using an "I" message. He may object because you are doing something different, and change is quite scary, even if it is healthy change. He will know something different is going on. Just calmly give your message without blame, and HIS RESPONSE IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
3. When communicating, avoid the terms "always," "never" and "every." These have been called "god statements" because they are so all-encompassing. When your husband hears these words to describe his behavior, he feels hopelessly boxed into a corner and helpless to please you.
4. Do not confuse blame with responsibility. Yes, we each must take responsibility for our actions, but it is up to your husband to take responsibility for his actions. It is up to you to choose your response to his actions.
5. The "I" message does not contain a demand for change. You are simply giving your husband information. It is up to him to choose his response to it.

Dear Christian wife, have you noticed that any change you can bring about in your marriage is in changing yourself? You cannot demand change in your husband from a heart filled with the Spirit. In a sense it is you who must choose to crawl into the Procrustean bed, die to self, and make the changes in your heart which will keep you in step with the Spirit.

In Passionate Marriage David Schnarch cites the writings of Hugh and Gail Prather:

"Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond--in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate."

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "Do Couples Really Live Happily Ever After?"