CONTENTS
JUST VISITING
Ann and I are finally back home after visiting ten different states in twelve days. We spent a lot of time in the car together and had opportunity to hone our relationship a little sharper. Well, at least we can say that we were given plenty of opportunity to develop conflict management skills. I won't say how well we did with the challenge. I can also give you information about the state of road construction in the Southeast and the Midwest if you need to know that.We had a wonderful reception in Pascagoula, Mississippi. Our seminar on "Mending a Messed Up Marriage" was received most enthusiastically. Our program was enhanced by an appearance from Zomen, a contemporary Christian singing group from Magnolia Bible College in Kosciusko, Mississippi. We are especially grateful to the college for sending them our way. Others inquired about scheduling the seminar at a future date. We were just overwhelmed with the positive response. Our experience confirmed our belief that many married couples are undergoing great pain in their relationships right now. Thankfully, some are looking for a way to relieve the pain and make their marriages better. Our thanks to John and Margaret Dobbs for being wonderfully gracious hosts.
Preparing the material for the seminar was a challenge for us. Some of that material will make its way into future editions of the newsletter. Today's feature article is taken from the "Mending a Messed up Marriage" program.
HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHEN THE HONEYMOON IS OVER?
by Norman and Ann Bales
Have you ever bought a new car? I'm not talking about a "pre-driven" car (Nobody sells used cars anymore). I'm talking about a brand, spanking new automobile that you drive right off the showroom floor. If you've ever done that, you know what it's like to experience the thrill of newness. A special aroma greets your nose when you climb behind the steering wheel and you hope the smell will never go away. Not only does the new car scent fade, but all too quickly you become aware of the cars "character" - a door that won't shut quite the way it should, a tendency to oversteer when you turn a corner, and you pick up a few "dings" here and there. If that doesn't dampen your enthusiasm for being a new car owner, making the first payment will.
How many of you have a favorite robe and slippers? or a favorite knock-about outfit that you put on in the evening or those days when you don't feel well? Ann has three such outfits and it depends on which one is clean at the time as to what she wear on those occasions. But she always had something that felt good, like an old shoe, and it was very comforting and relaxing to put it on and just relax. Marriage is a lot like that favorite robe and slippers. When they were new, they didn't have that comfortable, relaxed feeling. It took us a while to break them in. Perhaps our old one fell apart or your special someone gave you a new outfit for Christmas and you felt obliged to wear it. After a few months and a few washings, they began to feel like old friends and we just took them for granted.
When you first marry, everything is new and exciting. You can't wait for five o'clock and the chance to spend time with your loved one.. But after a few days, months, maybe even a year, the new wears off. We settle into a routine and the honeymoon is over. But how will we know when it's over? There are many different signs.
1. Perhaps you recognize loss of communication.
He studies the newspaper at breakfast instead of looking into her eyes. He comes home from work and instead of asking, "Did you have a hard day at work?" She asks, "Did you remember to pick up a gallon of milk at the store?"
2 You discover a lot of disagreements.
You have conversations that end with one of you saying, "I won't take this off anybody and certainly not you." One of our early disagreements had to do with who carries out the trash. Ann said to Norman "It's a man's duty to take out the trash." Norman asked for "book, chapter and verse."
3. Money becomes an issue.
Suddenly, you discover the experts are all wrong. Two cannot live as cheaply as one. Recently, we heard someone comment, "Two can actually live as cheaply as one, but only half as well." The man discovers that he must pay for panty hose. He's shocked at the price and he soon realizes that when his wife talks about runners, she's not discussing Carl Lewis and Michael Johnson. On top of that a pair of panty hose may not outlast one trip to church. On the other hand, she doesn't know what a quart of oil costs or even why the car needs it and can't figure out why it needs to be changed every three thousand miles. In premarital counseling, we give couples a shopping list. The man's list consists of items that a woman usually buys. The woman's list consists of items that a man usually buys. We ask them to put a price by the side of each item. Quite often when an engaged couple tells us "we don't disagree on anything," we burst that bubble when we get to the price list.
4. In-law troubles.
It's a rare couple who has the very same view of the kind of relationship they will have with in-laws. "Where are we going to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas?" "Are we going to ask our parents for money when we're in financial straits?" "How often are we going to visit?" "My mother's biscuits tasted better than yours?" Then there are opinions about in-laws. All of a sudden you wake up and find out your spouse really doesn't view your father and mother the same way you do. "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this person and she doesn't like my Mom?" Or it could come from the direction of the in-laws themselves. Do you remember Trisha Yearwood's song, "I'm in Love with the Boy." - "My Daddy sayS that he ain't worth a lick; when it comes to brains, he got the short end of the stick." And this character is the man, who gives her hand to the "boy" at the wedding.
5. Then there's the biggest issue of all - self centered agendas.
Many of us are selfish and we don't even realize it. Who controls the "remote" for the TV in your house? How do you select a restaurant when you go out to eat? We tend to see selfish behavior in our spouses, but we remain blind our our own self centeredness.
These are some of the most common experiences that "end the honeymoon." The real question in marriage is not whether there will be experiences of dissatisfaction, but how well you will work together to resolve them. According to Norman Wright, most married couples do not resolve these differences. But it doesn't have to be this way. If you learn to go through the painful process of negotiating change and follow through on your agreements to change, a life long satisfying relationship can result. This can't happen unless you follow the Biblical principle of self denial. "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:4-5)
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com
NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: THE COST OF HEALING A TROUBLED MARRIAGE