CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• STUDY ARTICLE: "Commitment - The Foundation of Relationships

JUST VISITING

It's a seven hour drive from Minden to Abilene. That gives Ann and me an extended period of time to work on improving our relationship. Today's study article deals with the subject of commitment. One way we enhance our commitment is to spent quality time with each other when we travel. Oh, I'm not talking about heavy stuff. We're just going to enjoy each other. That's how a relationship is deepened. One of my favorite games is trying to predict where we will be when she says, "I want to be there now." Hopefully, we'll make it past Shreveport.

When we were married on December 26, 1959, we repeated the following vows:

I come to you to be your husband/wife, according to God's holy ordinance, and take you to be my wife/ husband to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to love you in sickness as in health and to keep myself pure for your sake until death do us part.

In today's study, we hope to deepen your awareness of commitment in marriage. Our friend, Paul Faulkner, likes to say, "Marriage is not like chewing gum, which you chew until the sweetness is gone and then throw it away." We have been throough some extremely difficult times in our marriage. There was a time when commitment was all that held it together. Today, we thank God that we were committed to his plan for permanency in marriage.

1. The virginity rate of non-religious American teens stands at 40 percent . A survey done among the Churches of Christ by David Lewis, Charles Dodd and Darrell Tippins. (Shattering the Silence Nashville, Tennessee: The Gospel Advocate Company, 1989 pp. 14-16) indicates a virginity rate of 71.5 per cent, while Josh McDowell reports a 57 per cent virginity rate among evangelical teens.
2. Estimates of extramarital sexual activity vary according to the source reporting it.. It is now believed that the Kinsey Report was quite inaccurate. The Hite study in the sixties suggested that 66% of the males in America have been involved in extramarital affairs, but a survey by McCalls magazine revealed that only 16% of the men who participated, admitted to extramarital affairs. A Redbook survey (1974) indicated that one-third of the women had participated in an extramarital affair with the number increasing to one half among wage earning wives. (Source. Allan Petersen. The Myth of the Greener Grass pp. 14-16).
3. According to the Redbook study, 86 per cent of all those who participated believed that extramarital sexual activity is wrong.

1. After polling 1990 men between the ages of 18 and 49, Louis Harris and Associates concluded, "the increased emphasis men are placing on self-fulfillment, pleasure and doing one's own thing is dramatically altering America's traditional value system."
2. The influence of Hollywood and a romanticized view of married life in the public mind have contributed to unrealistic expectations.
3. Among working women, those who honor traditional values are often intimidated by the "swinging" life styles of their co-workers. One lady said, "I'm mid-Victorian. I'm a square. I'm straight and there's nothing interesting about that."
4. Infidelity has lost its stigma. The word "adultery" has been replaced with the terms "affair" and "tryst", which sounds more sophisticated. Dr. Sam Janus of the New York Medical college said, "A safe bet would be that nearly half of the members of Congress are involved with affairs outside marriage."

1. It causes pain to the other party. When a commitment is broken there is pain, anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal if the truth becomes know. Assuming that the "affair" is a satisfactory experience within itself, the fact remains that the person who commits adultery cannot share a significant and intimate part of that individual's life with the marital partner.
2. The time, money and energy spent on the "affair" is taken away from the marriage. Infidelity prevents the dissatisfied marital partner from dealing with the real problem.
3. To whatever extent infidelity is eased by the discouraged spouse's extramarital involvement, that person is prevented from dealing with the real problem that created the difficulty in the first place.
4. The unfaithful marital partner is dealing with the problem dishonestly.
5. Infidelity is self destructive. To live with one's self, the person involved must rationalize and engage in self deception. It is self deceptive to believe that one person can achieve happiness by making someone else unhappy.
6. The person who has an affair is forced to lie to cover up what's going on. Consequently, there is a loss of integrity. The lie increases the distance between the spouses.
7. The law of harvest. (Galatians 6:7). Self indulgent persons are denied the fruits of disciplined behavior. There are eternal consequences.

1. Don't measure your marriage by someone else's. You will either be frustrated by the success of others or so complacent when you compare yourself to someone who isn't doing quite so well that you stop working on the relationship. You never know the actual state of someone else's marriage. Pick up good ideas from others, but don't copy them.
2. Avoid compromising situations. Cultivate friends carefully. Avoid exposure to entertainment that lowers moral standards. Avoid being alone with a person of the opposite sex when you know you feel physical attraction ( Corinthians 6:18). Protect each other.
3. Don't dwell on the past. "Refuse to let your marriage today be hurt by what used to be." Allan Petersen. The Myth of the Greener Grass. p. 183. In the Biblical story of Joseph, his brothers treated him shamefully. Later on Joseph was in a position to get even, but instead he said, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." (Genesis 50:19). "There is a sign by your past that says, NO PARKING HERE.' - Wayne Dyer. "The baggage from yesterday makes too big a load for today". - Peterson p. 185.
4. See your marriage through your partner's eyes. A husband may think the relationship is great - no arguments, things seem to be going smoothly. The wife may feel taken for granted, misunderstood, neglected. Do you remember the male chauvinist country song, "Throw Another Log on the Fire." The singer wants his wife to do everything from patching his pants to changing the flat tire on his pickup. As the song ends, we hear him say, "throw another log on the fire...then come and tell me why your leaving me." Some guys are actually just about that dense.
5. Contribute more to the relationship than you take out of it.
6. Make your spouse your best friend.
7. Start your own affair with each other. Maintain excitement, affection, creativity, understanding.

"There is a vast difference between wanting something when we do not have it and continuing to want it when we do have it. Continuing to desire and cherish what we have means that we have established a relationship, that we have formed an attachment--that we do, in fact, love." Allan Fromme. The Ability to Love. p. 298.

NEXT WEEK: "The Walls Speak"