CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: "It's 'How' not 'What' that Makes the Difference in Marital Conflict"
• New Website Address
• "Spiritual Maturity"
  by Nancy Myers

JUST VISITING

Vic Phares, our tech guru, sidekick and all around good guy, informs me that our subscription level reached 2023 this last week. We started in January, 1996 and hoped to reach 2,000 by the end of this year. As you can see, we are ahead of schedule. We thank you for your enthusiasm and loyal support.

If you like the content of our newsletter, perhaps you'll want to visit our website. Our website contains all of our back issues. Since January, 1996, we have addressed numerous family concerns from a variety of perspectives. Here is our website address

http://www.allaboutfamilies.org

The feedback we receive indicates a very deep level of hurt in many families. At the heart of this hurt is the inability to deal with conflicts in marriage. We have tried to come at this subject from several directions. Some researchers believe we can make more progress toward resolving marriage conflicts if we focus more on the manner in which we address our concerns than the issues themselves.

In this week's newsletter, we want to encourage married couples to think about the manner in which they address differences. Our feature article deals with the conclusions of researchers regarding marital conflict. Dr. Daniel O'Leary has very impressive credentials. He is one of America's foremost authorities on the subject of domestic violence.

We send out AAF to you every week in the belief married couples need to honor Christ as Lord and Savior in order to make their marriages successful, but Christians are at many different levels of maturity. I participate in an e-mail discussion group known as "RM Bible." Nancy Myers serves as the group's moderator. In the several weeks I've been in the group, I have come to appreciate Nancy, for her wisdom and deep insights into spiritual matters. Recently, she shared her thoughts about spiritual maturity. I think it deserves wider circulation. Husbands and wives need to ponder it, so with her permission I'm sharing her views on spiritual maturity.

Norman

As we announced in our newsletter a few weeks ago, we are in the process of planning a move to Shreveport, Louisiana. Beginning December 1, Ann and I will be working full time in family ministry with the Southern Hills church. A part of that process involves changing our addresses. You will note that our subscription address is now

Our internet address is also changing. You can access all of our past issues at our website. The new website address is

Norman

Conventional wisdom normally identifies disagreements over money and sex as the most frequent causes of marital dissolution. If I could locate the people who made these wonderful decisions, I would call for reassembling the convention. Howard J. Markman, a psychologist and director of the Center for Family Studies at the University of Denver, followed 150 couples through several years of marriage. He believes that money and sex are incorrectly blamed for marriage breakups. He's more concerned about the quality of communication.

Dr. Daniel O'Leary, a professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, thinks the way married couples go about voicing their disagreements is more important than the issues they discuss. Couples run into trouble when they behave violently toward one another, when they become verbally aggressive or when they frequently threaten divorce. Swearing, insulting, threatening, shouting, slamming doors and leaving the room in a huff are tactics which are most likely to escalate the level of hostility between couples.

How can couples handle disagreements and still enjoy marriage satisfaction? Glad you asked. Here's my two cents worth. Actually all my suggestions are just an application of principles Paul taught in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, the great love chapter in the Bible.

1. Stay on the same subject. Do you use such time worn phrases as "Remember that time when you . . .," "Yeah, but you never did . . ., " or "While we're at it let me tell you another thing that gets under my skin." That's hitting below the belt. Stay current and stay focused on one issue. Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs and it is not easily angered.

2. Don't try to be a mind reader. When you say to your spouse, "I know what you're thinking," you display arrogance. In the first place you assume your spouse has a hidden agenda. In the second place your presume to have acquired knowledge of that agenda. Did God open a window into your spouse's brain? I don't think so. In the third place you lack the courtesy to let your spouse speak his or her thoughts. Love is not proud and it's not self seeking.

3. After you've gone over your differences, affirm you love for each other. Dr. O'Leary found that holding hands, kissing and greeting one another warmly on a regular basis had more to do with marital satisfaction than helping with household chores, doing things together and thanking one another for acts of compassion. Love is patient and kind.

I don't think you're going to get through very many days of your marriage without some kind of disagreement. That's not the end of the world or your relationship. If you pay more attention to how you disagree than you do the issues, you'll probably come out all right in the end.