CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING-
• FEATURE ARTICLE: "Little Things"
• IF I WERE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT, I WOULD....
  THE CHRIST-CENTERED WIFE
  "Subm-m-m-mision: An Affair for the Heart"
  by Mikal Frazier
  

JUST VISITING

How much does its cost to be thoughtful - to offer a compliment, to express gratitude, to render some small menial service that most people would overlook? In truth it costs us very little in terms of time or money, but it can make a great difference in relationships. Many marriages are floundering today because people aren't paying attention to the little things. That's especially true with me. I know fellows who would sacrifice their lives for their wives if that were required, but they will not compliment their wives on a meal well prepared. If we want quality marriages, we need to give attention to the little things. Please consider our thoughts on that subject.

We are pleased to offer another article by Mikal Frazier in her ongoing series, "The Spirit Filled Wife." In today's article, Mikal dares to attack the issue of submission head on. No area of family concern is more controversial. The "S word" is considered anathema to a lot of folks living in the nineties. Mikal does not write as a knee jerk reactionary even though she ardently believes God ordained a structure of family authority. Not only does she document her case from scripture, she also cities credible sociological research to back up her contention and ends up showing the practical nature of submission. I think it is one of the most significant articles we have published in the brief history of this newsletter.

Norman

Unless you're a Trivia buff, you're probably revealing something about your age if you admit to remembering a fifties singer named Kitty Kallen. She recorded one monster hit titled "Little Things Mean a Lot." The lyrics were timeless.

We think of ourselves as the practical people of the nineties. None of that fifties syrupy sentimentalism for us. As one who remembers the fifties, but prefers to stay in touch with the world I live in now, I can agree that marriage can't survive on kisses, compliments and post cards from distant places. After all, we can do it all with e-mail and faxes these days. But marriage still needs warmth, tenderness and thoughtfulness. For the most part singers who sound sweet have been relegated to those places that specialize in nostalgia, but it hasn't been too long since Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand reminded us that life isn't all that satisfying when lovers stop bringing flowers.

Even in today's world, courting couple are super sensitive to courtesy, thoughtfulness and gentleness. Some young men still open car doors for their dates. An attractive young lady may hear complimentary remarks about her appearance and receive gifts from the one who seeks to win her favor.

Let's fast forward the calendar and drop in on our two love birds ten years after they repeat their wedding vows. Complaints are frequent; compliments are rare. She's lucky if she gets a Christmas present. As far as the car door is concerned, her husband figures she's able bodied and perfectly capable of getting the door open without assistance. What changed?

Quite often it boils down to couples taking each other for granted. They may consider the wooing process a period of temporary insanity. Now that he has won the struggle against all potential suitors, he can go back to being the same old self centered, insensitive clod he had always been. For her part, his faults are now magnified. She complains because he's not like her sister's husband. Both assume there's no real need for either to speak politely, to verbalize caring feelings or to do the little things that were so special in their days of courtship.

But if you could interview this same couple separately, you might ask her "Would you like it if he still opened car doors for you?" Of course she'll say, "yes." You might ask him, "Would you like to come home from work to a dinner by candlelight?" Maybe that would be stretching it a bit. It probably excites you about as much as eating quiche, but try this one. "Would you like it if she drew your bath water and laid out the towels before you come home from work?" I have a point in all this. The level of marriage satisfaction increases in direct proportion to the amount of thoughtfulness marriage partners show one another.

When Paul said that ". . . husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28), he wasn't suggesting that a husband present his wife with a new shotgun on her birthday or a table saw for her birthday. When he told wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), he probably didn't think that a wife ought to do so by making him an appointment for a complimentary manicure. She will not demonstrate her sense of respect by attempting to remake his image of respectability. The idea is to stop and think about the way they both look at things, their likes, dislikes etc. That usually means giving attention to little things.

Much of the marital unhappiness in today's world could be eliminated if we would just pay more attention to little things. Ann likes me to rub her feet before she goes to bed at night. It's a little thing and takes only a few minutes of my time, but nearly every time I do it, she says, "Oh, you don't know how good that feels." It's a little thing, but it pays enormous dividends.

Thus, such a scenario illustrates the crux of our problem with submission. As Christian wives, when we choose to act rebelliously toward our husbands, or anyone else for that matter, it is due to a sinful need for validation. This need for validation comes from an emptiness of heart and not allowing the Spirit to nurture our souls. If we do not allow the Spirit to be our comforter we decide we can receive validation by determining or defining the status of our relationships, particularly with our husbands. AAF Newsletter, Volume 2 Number 21

Such an emptiness in the heart is at the core of all human struggles and this emptiness drives us to enter into sinful and devastating status struggles with our husbands. Hence, a sinful unwillingness to submit. This same emptiness of the heart drives some Christian women to demand validation in other areas as well, even to create chaos in the church. They are carrying their baggage from another era into the body of Christ. Dear Sister, when you really understand the "pearl of great price" you already possess, then God has made you whole and you will have no need of any other recognition or position. A daughter of God who has been filled with the Spirit has no lack of places to serve.

In my practice I see quite a few children who have been terribly abused or neglected. To help them understand themselves a little better I talk to them about when they were born. I tell them that at the time they were brand new little babies and first came into this world, there were some rules and instructions written on their hearts. But the people who were supposed to follow those rules and instructions, broke the rules and did not follow the instructions. I want them to understand that the pain they experienced because their caretakers did not follow the rules and instructions is behind their behaviors which are causing them trouble today. This pain creates the emptiness in the heart.

When we as Christian wives refuse to submit to our husbands and insist on determining the status of the relationship, we are acting out of some old pain just like these tragic little children I see. We mistakenly believe if we get things our way, we will finally be validated. If he agrees with me, I have defined the status of the relationship and I am validated. If I refuse to do something he wants, then I am breaking free of his control, I have defined the status of the relationship and I am validated. If I badger him into honoring me as the smartest, the fairest or the one who is right, then I have determined the status of the relationship to my satisfaction and I am validated. The core of submission is turning loose of the need to define the terms or the status of the relationship. When I have turned loose of this need, then submitting to him is not a problem. I find my validation in being a child of God and I know in my heart of hearts that submitting to my husband in no way diminishes or invalidates who I am.

Your husband may make a request or a demand which you choose not to fulfill. There may be times when you kindly and lovingly must tell him you cannot do what he asks. Perhaps his request comes when you are already quite overwhelmed and you cannot take care of your own well-being and fulfill his request. Possibly submission to the request would interfere with your service to God. Such a refusal becomes sin when it results from a rebellious heart. You see, Godly submission takes place in the heart.

1 Corinthians 7 makes it clear that the status we hold in this life is most insignificant. Beginning in verse 17 Paul begins speaking generally about position, rank and other elements of life which are of no importance. In verse 19 he says, "Keeping God's commands is what counts." For a Christian woman to get stuck in attempting to define the status of her relationship with her husband is an exercise in destructive futility. There is nothing to be accomplished.

Dear Christian women, there is much to lose when we refuse to submit to our husbands. First of all we are not trusting and obeying the Lord. This always brings grave consequences. Because the social experiment of abandoning God's plan for the family has been in existence for quite some time, we can now look at research which undeniably confirms God's plan of hierarchy for the family as the only successful design. Dr. Marlin Howe cites such findings in his book Hope for the Family. This research identifies four patterns of hierarchy in the home: dominant father homes, dominant mother homes, egalitarian homes and father led homes. This study found children from dominant father homes to lack ascendancy, social maturity and the capacity for status. Children from dominant mother homes lacked ascendancy, restraint, emotional stability, objectivity, thoughtfulness, self-control, socialization, flexibility, and were more depressed, had more sexual conflicts and were more likely to develop schizophrenia. Children from egalitarian homes were cooperative and tended to be followers. But the father led home as God intended was the only "...type of family which produces predominantly emotionally healthy children."

We have learned in studying families, that it generally takes several generations for the dysfunction in a family to escalate to the point of exhibiting itself as severe mental illness. This is because the anxiety in a family is passed down in greater intensity from generation to generation. The antidote for this anxiety is Christ-like behavior. British philosopher Bertrand Russell, lifelong agnostic and vocal opponent of Christianity, reluctantly admitted, "There are certain things that our age needs... The root of the matter is a thing so simple that I am almost ashamed to mention it for fear of the derisive smile with which wise cynics will greet my words. The thing I mean -- please forgive me for mentioning it -- is love, Christian love.." True Christian love is expressed in a spirit of submission.

Submission is really a paradox. What might seem to be a lesser role, is really a position of power and strength. If you had been raised by my mamma, branded in your mind would be the statement, "The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world." She meant there is no greater honor than being a successful "keeper at home." The above cited research bears this out. Carl Whitaker, one of the forefathers of family therapy believed the most accessible avenue of meaningful change in a family was through the wife and mother.

Someone said: "I stood in the twilight in the garden of Gethsemane and there I noticed three gates. One gate represented those who break down, and through this gate walked Judas. There's another gate for those who break out. That is the Apostle Peter in viciousness, cynicism and rebellion. The third gate is the gate through which Jesus went and that is the gate of submission, the gate of Gethsemane, the gate of crucifixion. The very cross that was designed to crush him literally lifted him."

If I am to be filled with the Spirit and centered in Jesus, my walk will be one of submission. Just as Jesus healed the world, I can heal my family.

Mikal Frazier, MA, MMFT, is a licensed family therapist with a practice in Minden and Bossier City, LA. She is a wife, mother of three children and has two grandchildren.

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "MARRIED COUPLES NEED CONTINUING EDUCATION"