CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE "Who's Right?"
• IF I WERE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT, I WOULD...
  THE CHRIST-CENTERED WIFE
  THE NEW COMMANDMENT

  by Mikal Frazier

With today's issue we complete our second year of publication. We began our e-mail newsletter in 1996 with a hundred subscribers. At the present time our subscription list hovers around the 2250 mark. I am grateful to many people for helping us get where we are. First of all, I'm grateful to Vic Phares, our tech manager, encourager and fix-it guy. We started the newsletter at his suggestion in the first place. I had absolutely no idea what he was getting me into. I appreciate the Minden Church of Christ, for providing us equipment and an ISP connection to make this possible. I'm grateful for the support and encouragement over the five years I served as their pulpit minister. I'm also grateful to the Southern Hills Church of Christ in Shreveport, Louisiana, our current sponsor. Our interest in families has grown considerably in these two years. We felt deeply honored when Southern Hills placed faith in us and invited us to work full time with families. How could I ever thank Mikal Frazier enough for the wonderful articles from a counselor's perspective and to the guest writers who have contributed occasional essays? I'm grateful to all those who have written to us. You've made many suggestions for improvement. Sometimes we acted on them; sometimes we did not. We're glad you took the time to write your feelings to us. To everyone who has read anything we have distributed, we are grateful.

Most of all, I'm grateful to Ann, my bride of 38 years. Most of the time she won't let me put her name on the byline. Once in a while, I sneak it by when she isn't looking. She's a full partner in every way. She helps with research, proofreads every issue and questions both my vagueness and wrong headedness. Just getting the newsletter out provides us with a practical marriage workshop on communication skills. She has saved me from embarrassment many times. She has also worked diligently on developing the "Mending a Messed Up Marriage" Seminar, which we conducted last year in Pascagoula, Mississippi. We are scheduled to do it in Shreveport, February 6-7 and at the Camp Wyldewood Retreat Center near Searcy, Arkansas in March. I would put her name at the top of the page as co-editor if she would agree to it, but she likes to stay in the background. However, you need to know how much she is involved.

As we conclude Volume 2, Mikal is concluding her series on the "Spirit-Filled Wife." It has received a remarkable reception. I'm encouraging Mikal to turn it into a book. I believe the material needs wider circulation. What do you think? Mikal is not leaving us. She will be writing other articles on other topics. She has been a welcome addition to our staff and we appreciate her contributions more than we can say.

One more thing. Within a few days, we hope to send you an index of Volume 2.

Norman

by Norman Bales

I know how to solve all the world's disagreements, end all the marriage disputes, stop the wrangling in Washington and completely end the need for hostile litigation. The solution is very simple. If everybody would just agree with me, adopt my attitudes, lifestyle and moral codes this would be a perfect world. I hope you understand that my tongue is planted firmly in my cheek when I say that. However, it gives me an occasion to make a serious point.

Don't we have a tendency to believe that our perspectives and motives are always pure? When we become embroiled in conflict, don't we usually think we've got the truth on our side and the other fellow is the one who needs a brain transplant? Don't we consider our own viewpoints totally objective and unbiased? Isn't it our adversary who is emotional and illogical?

Marriages suffer when one party attempts to control the relationship by promoting the agenda of rightness. When one spouse projects a dominant personality and an aggressive spirit, the relationship is going to suffer. He or she may have the satisfaction of saying, "We did it my way," but one pays a terrific price for control. You may win the power struggle, but you will be denied love, affection, devotion and warmth. A passive-aggressive person may lack the will to challenge the overbearing tyrant, yet be just as self-willed, arrogant and self-righteous as the more aggressive spouse. Sabotage and a complaining spirit are the weapons of the wimp.

Who's right? In most instances nobody is and everybody is. After all, a clock that won't run is right twice every day. Even those who have been deeply hurt by uncaring, unfeeling, insensitive spouses are not completely guiltless. John 8 tells the story of Jesus' reaction to a woman caught in the act of adultery. Was she guilty? No question about it, but when Jesus said, "let him that is without sin cast the first stone," her self-righteous accusers suddenly made themselves scarce. In his book, Forgive and Forget, Lewis Smedes wrote, "We always feel like innocent lambs when someone hurts us unfairly. But we are never as pure as we feel."

Does that mean we ignore grievous wrongs committed against us? Absolutely not, but it does mean that forgiveness probably needs to flow in both directions. ". . . if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself or you also may be tempted. (Galatians 6:1)

IF I WERE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT, I WOULD...

THE NEW COMMANDMENT

by Mikal Frazier

Because you come to me with naught save love,
And hold my hand and lift mine eyes above,
A wider world of hope and joy I see,
Because you come to me.

Because you speak to me in accents sweet,
I find the roses waking round my feet,
And I am led through tears and joy to thee,
Because you speak to me.

Because God made thee mine I'll cherish thee, Through light and darkness, through all time to be,
And pray His love may make our love divine,
Because God made thee mine.

Helen Guy Rhodes, (tr) Edward Teschemacher (1914)

As I grew up, always present in our living room, in what I now describe as quite an ornate, wooden, antique frame, was an eight-by-ten black and white photograph of my parents on their wedding day in 1945. Can a picture have ambiance? Even to this day when I see that picture, a collection of specific information comes to my mind. There's my mom, a graduate just a couple of years before from Abilene Christian College (In my family, attending ACC was part of the plan of salvation.). There's my dad, a thirty-five-year old bachelor, swept off his feet by this lady, and through whom he had come to know the Lord. The church where the wedding was held, was so dear to their hearts. And then, there's that song, "Because." "Because you come to me.…"

From my earliest memory I knew this song had been sung in their wedding. Some way or other we had come across a couple of flimsy (I mean floppy) plastic recordings of this tune, and, as children, my sister and I loved to play those romantic lyrics. At some point along the way I determined this music would be in my wedding.

So in 1968, a chorus from Houston traveled to Baytown, Texas, and sang "Because" as Jim and I repeated our vows. Today, my understanding of married love is a world away from what I dreamed when the song "Because" fed my fantasies. Yes, perhaps the song does speak of God's love maturing the love of two lovers, but there comes a time in marriage when you forget about flowers altogether, much less believing the sound of your husband's voice can wake the roses around your feet. Now enter obedience to Lordship faith and the power of the Holy Spirit.

Nearly thirty years ago I participated in making a lifetime covenant with my husband and became his wife for my walk on this earth. But more than that, I had already become a child of God for eternity. Therefore, when the roses are no longer waking around my feet, God's will must determine my behavior in my marriage. I must choose behavior in keeping with the Spirit.

When I choose to be filled with the Spirit, I am submitting in Lordship faith to the commandments of Jesus. In John 13:34, Jesus said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." (NIV) Jesus introduced a new way of living in relationship with one another. With this new way of relating, the atmosphere of marriage changed forever.

A new philosophy, a way of life, is not given for nothing. It has to be paid dearly for and only acquired with much patience and great effort. --Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf." (2 Cor.5:14-15, NASB) Jesus paid the price for this new way of life. He paid the price for us to become new creatures. He paid the price for us to be changed forever in all that we do.

Max Lucado, in his book, When God Whispers Your Name, has a chapter called "The Choice" In this chapter he examines making a choice to practice each element of the fruit of the Spirit in one's daily life. Here, I want to tinker with his approach and apply it to the walk of the Spirit-filled wife.

Because I choose to walk with Lordship faith in Jesus Christ, I choose to be filled with his Spirit. Since I choose to be filled with His Spirit, I choose love. (Galatians 5:22)

I choose to love my husband as Jesus loved me. I do not have to depend on a feeling or the roses around my feet or his behavior. It is an active, decisive love I choose to give because God first chose to love me, when I was so unlovable (and still am on occasion).

Because I choose love, I have joy. As I trust in the Lord for my hope, he fills me with his joy. Nothing can take this hope from me. Where I have my treasure, moths and rust cannot corrupt. My husband is free from the burden of my discontent.

Because I choose love, I have peace. I keep no record of wrongs. My husband has no need for a corner on the roof.

Because I choose love, I practice patience. When my husband demonstrates behavior which might be termed inconsiderate, I will not be easily angered. I will give my husband solace instead of anger. I will give grace as God has given me grace.

Because I choose love, I practice kindness. I will consider the needs of my husband before my own. Because I am acting out of my fullness in Jesus, this is no great cost to me.

Because I choose love, I practice goodness. I will choose to bring him good, not harm. I will not be a liability to him. He will have no need of spoil. He will lack nothing of value that I can provide.

Because I choose love, I will be faithful. I will avoid the very appearance of any lack of trustworthiness. His heart will trust in me.

Because I choose love, I will be gentle. I refuse to be harsh and demanding. I will not be the cause of fear in our relationship. I will give him a safe, accepting audience when he wants to talk with me.

Because I choose love, I will practice self-control. Because I am filled with His Spirit, I can hold on to myself. I will make choices from my inner spirit which is in submission to His Spirit. I will not be tossed about by the desires of the world. My husband will be known in the gates.

Dear Sister, God has supplied your every need. He has filled you up. From His fullness, may you find the grace and courage to love your husband well.

Jim, my partner and traveling companion on this journey. Your commitment to Lordship faith in Jesus has been crucial to our successful marriage. Jim, thank you for your gracious encouragement in these articles.

Thank you to my parents in the Lord. Thank you Mom for teaching me an unwavering trust in the authority of the scriptures. Thank you Dad for teaching me to love the Father and his kingdom and to put my desire for heaven above all else. (I still remember the curve I traveled with you as a teenager when you said, "I would rather lose you right now, than to see you miss heaven.")

Norman and Ann Bales, thank you so very much. Thank you for your encouragement, your invaluable suggestions, your time for editing my rough drafts, and your patience as I sent you the articles, barely under the wire. Without you in my corner, I may never have tackled this task.

My dear friend, Gwili King. Twenty years ago, as I wrote you with a heavy, homesick heart from the emerald hills of Wales, Great Britain, you said, "I didn't know you could write like that." I have kept that comment tucked away and have leaned on it for confidence. Thank you.

To you the readers. Many of you wrote letters of encouragement as I pounded out these articles. They were invaluable gifts. Thank you very much.

(NOTE: Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She has told you much about her husband, Jim in these articles. She also has three wonderful children, Jamie, Rachel and Anna. Jamie and his wife Angel have two children, Austin and Justin. In addition to her counseling work, she assists in the care of her aging parents, Hampton and Betty Herbert. She teaches Sunday School, coordinates a love meals program for shut ins and stay active in many areas of church life. We consider it an honor to have her write for our publication. We look forward to additional contributions from her in the future. - Norman)

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org