CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE:
  Marriage Partners are Facilitators
  by Norman & Ann Bales
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  Just Visiting

  I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee a couple of weeks ago. I'm recovering in fine fashion, but I'm undergoing physical therapy in order to regain full mobility. Physical therapists are demanding people. They have to be. They keep pushing you beyond the limits of what you think you can stand. In between sessions you are expected to keep up your exercises. It's tempting to cheat because they are hard. I know my own tendencies, so I asked Ann to attend a therapy session with me. She knows exactly what I'm supposed to do. She's a trained nurse, and she's able to recognize it when I cheat. She's doesn't cut me much slack. But I want her to do it because I want full use of my leg again. She's my facilitator. We should all be facilitators to each other in the marriage relationship. In this issue we want to share some of our thoughts on the subject. Norman

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  Marriage Partners are Facilitators

  
  by Norman & Ann Bales

  To be quite honest, we've never thought of marriage partners as "facilitators" until now. We got the idea from Don Ferguson. He writes, "Your partner should facilitate a great life, not hinder it. If your partner is seen as standing in the way of something good, then change the type of relationship you have rather than leaping overboard." Dr. Ferguson is the founder and owner of Infinite Relations, a counseling center in Verona, Wisconsin. He apparently specializes in helping married couples work through conflict. He reminded us of just how important it is to work in tandem as a team in order to facilitate the growth of each other and of the relationship.

  The phrase "facilitate a great life" got our attention. To facilitate is to "make easy" or "assist the progress of." A facilitator is a person who does that. It sounds like a buzz word from the nineties, but it actually came into our language in the early seventeenth century from a French word that means, "to render easy." We can make life easier for each other if we so choose, or we can choose to make the relationship virtually unworkable.

  "Facilitator" sounds pretty much like "helper," a word that describes the marriage relationship in Genesis 2:18. The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." It is often assumed that this text imposes a position of rank in the marriage relationship. The husband is the journeyman; the wife is the apprentice. It becomes the rationale for deciding that a husband occupies a controlling role and the wife occupies a subordinate role because she is designated as a "helper."

  A concordance study of the word "helper" will quickly place that conclusion in doubt. It doesn't matter whether you do it with your English concordance or a Hebrew lexicon. It comes out the same. In the Old Testament, at least twenty times, the Hebrew word translated "helper" in Genesis 2:28 refers to God. No one thinks the word "helper," when used to describe the actions of God, renders him subordinate to those he assists. Your concordance study will also reveal that it rarely has anything to do with rank, even when it's talking about the relationship between humans. It simply refers to one who renders aid.

  That's what a facilitator does. We have the capacity to help each other in the marriage relationship. Helping is not on the shoulders of the wife alone. We have the capacity to achieve much more in life if we work together toward mutual goals. This has nothing to do with the "headship" debate. That's a different matter altogether. The point is that we both have to be helpers if we want the marriage to work. If we pursue separate agendas while living under the same roof, our relationship will never reach its full potential. If we work at cross-purposes to each other, the results can be disasters. We think Don Ferguson is onto something. We need to be facilitators.

  One other thing about Adam and Eve. Don't you think Adam also had a helping role?

  * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can " ASK THE COUNSELOR" Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalmft@bellsouth.net

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  Central Church of Christ
  1500 First Avenue NW
  Cedar Rapids, IA 52405
  (319) 362-1540

  E-mail:
  Norman Bales: Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
  Ann Bales: ann@allaboutfamilies.org
  Mikal Frazier: mikal@allaboutfamilies.org
  "Jim Bales"jbales@prcoc.org
  Web:allaboutfamilies.org
  allaboutfamilies.org/sh
  

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