FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE
INTRODUCTION
Most couples enter marriage with unrealistic expectations. A
relationship has a much better chance of succeeding when couples
realistically understand what they can and cannot contribute to the
happiness of each other. Our study will concentrate on some common
mistakes which people make in assuming what marriage out to be like.
DISCUSSION
I. Mistake # 1. Expecting your spouse to meet your deepest need.
A. When contemplating marriage most people are aware of certain
deficiencies in their lives.
1. Even God recognized that Adam was not complete
without a partner
(Genesis 2:20).
2. We are capable of contributing the mutual fulfillment
of each other's needs.
Among the needs that we mutually fulfill are:
a. the need for security.
b. the need for significance.
c. the need for love and acceptance.
B. It is unrealistic to expect your spouse to meet all of your
deepest
needs.
1. What is your deepest need?
2. Why is it unreasonable to expect someone else to meet
all your needs?
C. Some reasons why our spouse cannot meet all your deepest
needs.
1. Your spouse is also an incomplete person.
2. When a spouse senses that he/she cannot fulfill the
expectations of the other partner there is a tendency
to attempt to substitute meeting an assumed need for
the real one.
3. The person who totally depends on a spouse for need
satisfaction is actually saying, "I'm assuming you
have complete power to make me happy."
D. Realistic principles of meeting needs in marriage.
1. Both spouses will have to work at meeting the needs of
each other.
2. Selfish will be the greatest deterrent to this goal. 3.
Your marriage will not be perfect. 4. God is capable of
meeting our deepest needs (Eph. 3:20). 5. It is legitimate
to look for emotional support in relationships
outside marriage provided these relationships do not
constitute a threat to the marriage itself.
6. How can these principles best be implemented?
II. Mistake # 2. Assuming that problems are best handled by ignoring
them.
A. It is true that some marriages are unnecessarily tense
because one
spouse or the other makes a mountain out of a molehill.
(Can you think of examples?)
B. Most generally, however we ask for trouble if we ignore
differences of viewpoint.
C. Consequences of assuming that the best approach to a problem
is to ignore it.
1. The problem gets worse.
2. True emotions are avoided.
3. Resentments increase.
4. Humor becomes a destructive cop out.
D. The Bible has much to say about open communication (Proverbs
25:11; 15:23; Ephesians 5:29).
E. If you are locked into a pattern of ignoring problems, how
can you break out of it?
III. Mistake # 3. "Thinking that time and love will resolve all
problems."
A. Some common patterns of those who make this assumption.
1. Silence or Withdrawal.
2. Giving in.
3. Attacking.
4. Ultimatums.
B. Instead of assuming that time will take care of
problems, make positive efforts to resolve conflicts.
1. Recognize conflict types.
a. Situation based conflicts.
b. Psychologically based conflicts.
2. Some positive ways of resolving problems.
a. Learn to drop things.
b. Admit your own contributions to the problem.
(James 5:13).
c. Affirm your commitment to your spouse and
declare your love.
d. Make a verbal check of your assumptions (I
Peter 3:7).
CONCLUSION
Good marriages don't just happen. They are the result of a
determination to overcome the false assumptions, miscommunication,
disappointments, sin and heartaches that inhibit the relationship.
Good marriages do exist, but they exist only when people recognize the
real issues and deal with them in a constructive manner.
Norman and Ann Bales
