CONTENTS:

• JUST VISITING
• HEALING NEGATIVE MEMORIES
• READER COMMENTS

JUST VISITING

Some years ago, I met a lady in the airport in Denver, who told me how her family life was uprooted when the Communists came to her native Poland. She and her family made their way to Germany. Unfortunately, they spent the first night in a place called Dresden. It was the night of the infamous allied bombing attack on that city. I wondered how she copes with those memories. As she talked, I realized they still haunted her more than forty years later.

In our study outline, we'll attempt to provide some direction for healing negative memories.

1.   If you cut down a redwood tree, you can learn a great deal of its
      history by the rings on the inside.

2.    Like the tree, most of us keep our past hidden on the  inside. 
      Some of us have been damaged by things that happened in the
      past.  And while we keep it hidden, the painful memories prevent
      us from enjoying life as well as  we might.

3.   How can those painful memories be healed?

                                DISCUSSION

I.   Characteristics of Shame-bound families.  Many of us assume that
     the average American family mirrors the Cleaver family on the old
     Leave It To Beaver television series. Unfortunately many families
     leave a multi-generational trail of shame.  Perhaps it will be
     helpful to identify some of the characteristics of the
     shame-bound family.

     A.   Family members feel defective, less than whole persons.

     B.   Family members often demand perfection, but never model it.

     C.   Shame bound family members sometimes assume they have the
           right, or need, to engage in their shameful behavior.

     D.   Family members are often highly resistant to change.

     E.   The family system usually makes no provisions for repair.

     F.   Family members assume they have the right to interfere with
           the personal lives of other family members.

     G.   Family members may show intense affection  which is followed
            by alienation or abuse.

II.  How victims of shame-bound families react.

     A.   They feel trapped in their roles

     B.   They dislike themselves intensely.

     C.   They crave affection, but feel unworthy to receive it.

     D.   They try to hide their shame, but feel guilty when they do.

     E.   They are subject to depression.

     F.   They pick on each other for unknown reasons.

     G.   They usually marry spouses from shame-bound families.

III.     How do shame-bound families get that way.  

     A.   It is often multi-generational (Jer. 31; Eze. 18:1-4)

     B.   Substance abuse.

     C.   The invasion of a person's body, thoughts or feelings;
            treating other family members as if they were an object or
            a thing.

     D.   Verbal attacks. eg. "If you had a brain, you'd be
     dangerous."

IV.  A shame-bound history can be overcome but only when (1) you admit
       the shame-bound status of your family and (2) make some
       positive changes. The following suggestions can help.

     A.   Be compassionate with yourself.  This does not mean we  
            overlook our  errors, but you accept the fact that you are
            a person of worth. (Gen. 1:26; John 3:16)

     B.   Develop a network of friends who believe in you, who will
            encourage you   (but not necessarily approve of everything
            you do) and will love you "unconditionally."

     C.   Accept your history; be willing to share it with a trusted
            friend, but refuse to be chained to the past.

     D.   Forgive those who have wronged you, even when they don't
            deserve it.(Matt. 6:14-15)

     E.   Tell yourself that you are not a bad person just because you
            mess things up from time to time.

     F.   Choose healthy role models; learn from them; ask questions
           of them.

     G.   If needed, get help from counselors, or other support groups
            such as  A.A., Alenon, etc.

                                CONCLUSION

"Loving means to love the unlovable, or it is no virtue at all;
forgiving means to pardon the unpardonable or it is not virtue at all;
faith means believing the unbelievable or it is not virtue at all, and
hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at
all." -G. K. Chesterton-

Norman and Ann Bales

READER COMMENTS