CONTENTS:
JUST VISITING
When I was a senior in high school, I was required to memorize lines from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem, "How Do I Love Thee?" You probably remember the poem, the one that starts out, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." I considered it so much emotional nonsense at the time and memorized the lines with a certain degree of resentment. After I had been married sixteen years, I realized that I not only resisted her poem, but I also resisted the concept of intimacy. I remained distant, aloof and detached, even with the one who had become my life's partner. I finally came to the realization that those who never cultivate intimacy, cheat themselves and miss one of the greatest blessings that can be experienced in this life. I consider this subject so important that it will take two newsletters to share my thoughts on the subject.CULTIVATING INTIMACY
(PART ONE) INTRODUCTION
DISCUSSION
I. Although our description of intimacy will necessarily fall
short of actually providing a complete picture, it is necessary to
communicate some concepts on this level of relating
A. What does the term "intimate" mean to you?
B. What intimacy is.
1. Close knowledge ( See Psalm 139:1-4).
2. Oneness in spirit.
3. A relationship characterized by empathy.
4. A relationship in which both parties desire to be known
and make known their hopes, dreams, plans, concerns and fears.
5. Affirming and being affirmed.
6. Mutual support
7. Trust
C. What intimacy is not.
1. Sexual involvement.
2. A relationship that is restricted to husbands and
wives.
3. An invasion of privacy.
4. Agreement on all ideas.
5. Knowing another's thoughts before they are verbalized.
6. Sharing feelings in a way that will hurt
the other person.
7. Intimate knowledge of every thought, idea and actions in a
persons complete history.
II. The need for intimacy.
A. Can we live successfully without ever becoming involved with
at least one other person on the level of intimacy?
B. Advantages of maintaining an intimate relationship.
1. "Knowing that I am understood by at least one other
person who truly cares about me greatly shores up my ability to
face anything life brings." (Guy Greenfield. We Need Each Other. p. 64.)
2. We are comforted by knowing that we are understood.
How can we express understanding without feeling compelled to
give advice?
3. Can you develop intimacy with someone who is an
introvert?
4. Our ability to influence others is determined by the
quality of relationships we already have. (John 13:34-35).
5. We feel acceptance on the basis of what we are instead
of what we can produce.
III. Biblical pictures of intimacy.
A. Proverbs 18:24. "A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." How
might "many companions" negatively impact our relationship
needs?
B. Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother
is born of adversity." How do trials affect intimacy?
C. Proverbs 27:17. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." How does
this principle work?
E. John 15:13. "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his
life for his friends." How do we communicate our willingness to lay down our
lives for those whom we love?
IV. Some basic requirements of intimacy.
A. "...intimacy is created by desire and choice." (Greenfield.
p. 156).
B. A feeling of security and self confidence.
C. Ability to trust. "I have never known a person who did not try
to flee from manipulators." (Alan Loy McGinnis. "The Friendship Factor"
p. 59)
D Intensive sharing. "To the extent that I communicate myself
as a person to you and you communicate yourself to me, we share in the
common mysteries of ourselves." ( John Powell. "The Secret
of Staying in Love." p. 70).
E. Touching "If you observe those who have deep relationships,
you will find that, although few of them are indiscriminate grabbers
who hug everyone in sight, most have delicately tuned their
sense of touch and it is in use every time they are with
people. They listen with their eyes. They draw close to
another person during conversation, and they make body
contact frequently to keep communication at a warm level."
(McGinnis p. 85)
F. Use of the body. "I can sidetrack you in subtle, non-verbal
ways. I can yawn, look at my watch, tighten my jaws, narrow my eyes,
raise my eyebrows, suddenly lean forward, change the volume
or pitch of my voice. In any case, I will be communicating
through 'coded signals,' and you will know something is
wrong.'" - (Powell p. 142)
CONCLUSION
Paint you pictures, no nor carve you statues,
Make you music that should express all me;
So it seems I stand on my attainment.
This of verse alone, one life allows me;
Verse and nothing more have I to give you.
Other heights in other lives, God willing
All the gifts from all the heights, your own love.
From "One Word More" by Robert Browning, a love poem written to his beloved Elizabeth in 1855.
Norman and Ann Bales
September 18, 1991
P. S. I take a different view of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem these days. I think it's one of the finest pieces of English literature that's ever been written. Twice I have visited the Browning library at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. If you're a macho, independent sort of guy like me, rest assured that you're not helping yourself if you hold back on cultivating intimacy. I learned the hard way. I hope you won't have to.
Norman