CONTENTS:
JUST VISITING
Who is your best friend? If you're a married person, the answer should be your spouse. Friendship comes from intimacy. You develop it over a long period of time, by working through repeated disappointments. We are all capable of intimacy, but not without effort. This week's newsletter extends our thoughts on this subject from last weekCULTIVATING INTIMACY
(part two)INTRODUCTION
1. "Intimacy is the crucial need in marriage today. It is
consequently the focus of marital difficulty." - Gibson Winter.
2. "There is in the heart of every human being, a powerful longing
for a relationship with at least one other person." - Howard and
Charlotte Clinebell.
3. People who do not experience intimacy in life suffer from
"relationship hunger."
a. In its milder forms relationship hunger causes loneliness and
unhappiness.
b. In its more severe form it produces emotional malnutrition
which may express itself in anti-social, neurotic or psychotic forms
of behavior.
4. Marriage provides the greatest opportunity for intimate bonding
of all forms of social interaction, but unfortunately intimacy does
not always occur.
a. "Many women say that efforts to deepen intimacy in their
marriage have diminished and that the level of affection has plateaued. -
Donna Jackson. "How to Stay Sweethearts." "Redbook"
November, 1990
b. Our e-mail response to our newsletters and our home page
indicates that many men in today's society are deeply concerned about the
lack of intimacy in their marriage relationships.
c. "Because marriage is potentially the most totally intimate
of all human relationships, it is both the most difficult relationship
and the most rewarding." - Howard and Charlotte Clinebell.
DISCUSSION
I. Types of intimacy.
A. Spiritual
B. Intellectual
C. Cultural
D. Emotional
E. Sexual
F. Recreational
G. Shared work responsibilities
H. Shared Crisis
II. Barriers to intimacy
A. Insecurity.
1. Sometimes one spouse fears being hurt and thus will not risk
developing intimacy as a protective measure.
2. A spouse with a poor sense of self worth may think,
"I'm not capable of having an intimate relationship."
B. Poorly handled anger.
1. Some people say, "Oh, my anger is just like a shotgun
blast. One quick burst and it's over." Unfortunately, everyone
in range of the blast gets hurt.
2. Some people try to repress anger. They may even
believe that it's sub-Christian to express anger or perhaps lacking
in maturity. At some point, anger usually does surface
and when it does, it often surfaces violently when it
has been repressed.
3. Some people are passively aggressive. They never
openly state their anger, but they are always out of sorts with the
other person. Their anger never gets out in the open,
thus eliminating the possibility of intimacy.
C. Fear of affection. "The meanest fear in the world is the
fear of sentimentality." - G. K. Chesterton.
D. Phoniness. Some people overdo expressions of affection.
They make "gushy" statements which they don't mean and don't feel.
E. Autonomy. Sometimes a husband lives out his entire life
with one set of friends, one set of interests and one set
of activities, while his wife lives out her life with a completely
different set of friends, interests and activities. Home is
just a place to eat, change clothes and get a night's sleep.
F. Poor communication.
G. Need deprivation.
III. Some ways of cultivating intimacy in marriage.
A. Talk about affection
1. Jesus did it (John 13:1)
2. Many men think it compromises their masculinity to
express affection. We can profit from the example of Gayle
Sayers, former star running back for the Chicago Bears.
When his friend, Brian Piccolo, lay dying of cancer,
Sayers spoke before the Professional Writer's
Association. He told this group, which consisted
mainly of hard boiled males, "I love Brian Piccolo and
I would like for you to love him too."
B. Express appreciation often.
1. "Catch one another doing something right." - Willard
Tate.
2. "Don't overdo it like the "gusher" does, but find ways
within your own personality to say things positively, kindly,
sincerely.
C. Perform unselfish deeds.
D. Cultivate good night rituals (a back rub, a good night kiss,
telephoning when you're out of town, special vocabulary, special ways of
celebrating anniversaries, special songs, etc)
E. Risk greater openness. Make yourself vulnerable. Be real.
F. Give the other person space.
G. Be adventuresome. Do something a little bit crazy sometimes.
(As Ann's birthday approached recently, Norman conducted an
intensive search for old romantic music, (everything from
Johnny Mathis to George Strait) dating back to their
courtship days, recorded it all on a tape and presented it
to her on her birthday.
To name the time
Our friendship stopped
And love began
Oh my darling
This is the secret
Our friendship
Never Stopped
-Lois Wyse
The two of us can't really say this poem applies to us. There was a time when friendship was not a part of our marriage. Happily, friendship is always possible if both parties really want it to happen. " . . . in years of counseling I have never met a person who was permanently disabled for love." - Alan Loy McGinnis.
SOME RECOMMENDED READING
Howard and Charlotte Clinebell. "The Intimate Marriage." (New York: Harper and Row, 1970)Donna Jackson "How to Stay Sweethearts" in Redbook Magazine. November, 1990.
Alan Loy McGinnis "The Friendship Factor." (Minneapolis: Ausburg Publishing House, 1979)
John Powell. "The Secret of Staying in Love." (Niles, Illinois: Argus Publications, 1974)
Guy Greenfield. "We Need Each Other" (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1984)
Willard Harley. "His Needs; Her Needs" (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Fleming H. Revell, 1994)
Neil Clark Warren "The Triumphant Marriage" (Colorado Springs, Colorado: Focus on the Family Publications, 1995)
Lyn Rose, "Loving Him" (West Monroe, Louisiana: Howard Publishing, 1995)
Ron Rose "Loving Her" (West Monroe, Louisiana: Howard Publishing, 1995)
NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "How Do You Deal With Jealousy in the Home?"