All About Families, July 29, 1996


	Volume 1 Number 27 July 29, 1996 Norman Bales, Editor CONTENTS: JUST VISITING RELATIONSHIP HUNGER WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING "About Successful Marriage" - Lanny Henninger "About Finishing Marriage Well - Prentice Meador, Jr. JUST VISITING In order to get the newsletter out on time, I have to prepare copy in advance. As you read this, we'll be on vacation, so I'm giving Vic a few days lead time. As I write this, nearly everybody I'm talking with expresses shock over the tragic explosion (of unexplained origin at this point) that destroyed a TWA Boeing 747 shortly after takeoff from JFK in New York. As I watched the news reports on television, I was almost embarrassed at the insensitvity of reporters and camera people who refuse to allow families to grieve in private. I wish they could show more restraint. On the other hand they showed us something about families that's vitally important. Families are the first line of defense in a time of crisis. As Guy Greenfield said in his excellent book on relationships, "We Need Each Other." It occurs to me that the stronger we can make the family bond in normal times, the greater the value of our family resources in times of trial. Norman RELATIONSHIP HUNGER by Norman Bales The people who call radio talk shows always amaze me. Some share their deepest, darkest secrets with the public at large. Recently, a woman verbalized her negative feelings about her fiance on one of those shows. This guy sounded like a real loser. He made unreasonable demands; ridiculed her appearance; mocked her intelligence and generally treated her like dirt. The talk show host said, "I suppose you're dependent on him for economic support." She responded, "Oh, no. He doesn't work. I support him." For just a moment I wished I could be a talk show host, so I could advise her, "Why don't you tell the lazy, good-for-nothing deadbeat, 'Hit the road, Jack. The goose that laid the golden egg just died.'" In a little nicer way, that's exactly what the host said. I couldn't believe her response. She said, "But if I do that, I won't have any friends." The host probed a little deeper. He said, "Don't you have some relatives, some acquaintances at work? Isn't there somebody besides this leech you can form a relationship with? She said, "Nobody." I keep thinking this woman needs to find a good brain mechanic who can give her a tune up, but I do understand her reasoning. In their book, The Intimate Marriage, Howard and Charlotte Clinebell identified intimacy as a fundamental need of people. "There is in the heart of every human being, a powerful longing for a relationship with at least one other person." God made us for intimacy. Following the creation of man, "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'" (Genesis 2:18). The poor woman on the radio felt a deep hunger for a relationship and she was willing to sacrifice her dignity, her self-esteem, even money to have someone around her. Her fear of losing friendship was an irrational fear, but I had the feeling she would have a hard time understanding that. When people are deprived of intimate bonding with others, they feel lonely and unhappy. Prolonged relationship hunger produces an emotional malnutrition which can express itself in anti-social behavior, neurosis and even full blown psychosis. That's probably the reason prisoners dread solitary confinement more than any other punishment. Marriage was God's gift to the human race to overcome our relationship deficits. It is potentially the most satisfying of all human relationships, but it is also the most difficult relationship to maintain. Intimacy in marriage doesn't take place because the "chemistry" is right. It takes place when two selfish, contentious people are committed enough to the goal of oneness to work through their disappointments and struggles to make intimacy a reality. WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE "On the way to the office on Monday, I caught the final installment in a series on divorce by National Public Radio's 'Morning Edition.' Successful marriages result, it was suggested, when couples determine to preserve family integrity at all costs. When they think of 'we' instead of 'I.' When they ask such questions as 'If I take this job, what will it do to our marriage?' Or, 'Is it in the best interest of our marriage to begin a family now?' A different way of thinking." - Lanny Henninger; Austin, Texas ABOUT FINISHING MARRIAGE WELL "While, there's a lot written today about getting started in marriage, more needs to be written about FINISHING it well. . . . These suggestions didn't come from Mt. Sinai, but here are a few pieces of advice on finishing well: . . . Mend a quarrel. . . . Dismiss suspicion. . . . Forgive your spouse. . . . Express deep appreciation. . . . Laugh, Smile, Laugh and smile a lot more. . . . Apologize when you're wrong. . . . Pray for your marriage. . . . Listen." -Prentice A.Meador Jr. ; Dallas, Texas ( Editor's note: Prentice edits the "Twenty First Century Christian" magazine. It is a fine, positive magazine devoted to "New Testament Christianity in the Present Age." Articles that benefit the family appear in nearly every issue. The subscription price is $10.95 for one year. Here's the address: 21st Century Christian Magazine; P. O. Box 40304; Nashville, Tennessee 37204. Their toll free number is 800-331-5991.) NEXT WEEK'S STUDY OUTLINE: "How to Treat Your Wife"