All About Families, August 12, 1996


	Volume 1 Number 29 August 12, 1996 Norman Bales, Editor CONTENTS: JUST VISITING ROLLER COASTERS AND MARRIAGE MORSELS FOR MARRIAGE AND BYTES FOR THE FAMILY "The Inevitable Disappointment of Marriage" by Mikal Frazier JUST VISITING I'm excited about a new feature we are including in today's newsletter. We're beginning a column titled "Morsels for Marriage and Bytes for the Family." This column will feature the insights of Mikal Frazier. Mikal is a wife, mother, grandmother, devoted Christian and a licensed family therapist. She works full time in a private practice, alternating between Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. Mikal is a member of the congregation where I serve. I have the deepest respect for her insights. She is also one of the most widely read persons I know in the field of family therapy. She writes a column for our local newspaper and has graciously agreed to allow us to reproduce her columns here. She insists that I tell you that I've offered some editorial assistance in the technical aspects of her writing. I'm excited about Mikal's columns appearing on an occasional basis in our newsletter. I know you'll come to appreciate them. ROLLER COASTERS AND MARRIAGE by Norman Bales As a general rule amusement parks fail to amuse me, but once in a while I wind up in one, usually with a bunch of youngsters to look after. Once I pass the turnstiles, I try to steer clear of the roller coasters about as much as I try to avoid copperheads in the woods. A few years ago, an insistent twelve year old persuaded me to take leave of my senses and actually ride the "Judge Roy Scream" at Six Flags Over Texas. There was absolutely no way to get me on one of those gravity defying roller coasters that hurtles screaming passengers through 360 degree loops. The "Judge Roy Scream" was your basic phobia inducing roller coaster. I recall riding up the first incline and observing a sign near the top which read, "appeal denied." At that precise moment, I learned something about commitment. Once they strap you into that contraption, which could have only been invented by someone with a demented mind, you're going to ride it to the end of the line or die. I just wish more people would recognize the same level of commitment in marriage. Certainly that's God's expectation. Jesus said, "...what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:6). Too many people elect to jump the marriage track when the ride gets scary. Actually a roller coaster ride up the first incline turns out to be a fairly pleasant experience, even for people like me who would rather blow twenty bucks in a nice restaurant than at an amusement park ticket window. The car moves along quite gently and you catch a wonderful glimpse of the entire area as you near the summit. Unfortunately the bottom drops out shortly after that and nothing is ever gentle again until you reach the end of the ride, place your feet on terra firma and promise the Lord that you'll never get on one of these things again. Marriage can be like that. For some people it's a merry-go -round the first six months or so, but when their relationship suffers its first nose dive, they wonder how they ended up on the roller coaster. In nearly thirty six years of marriage, my wife and I have ridden the marriage roller coaster through numerous peaks and valleys. We didn't quit the ride when it looked like we might hyperventilate and rearrange our breakfast at the same time. We took each other for better or worse and sometimes it was worse, but we remained committed. When you're tempted to bail out on your marriage in the middle of a nose dive, think of it as you would a roller coaster ride. You can't leave it without major pain. We need to take the words of Jesus seriously. ". . . what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:6). MORSELS FOR MARRIAGE AND BYTES FOR THE FAMILY THE INEVITABLE DISAPPOINTMENT OF MARRIAGE by Mikal Frazier Sometimes you see her there in our quaint little community. Maybe on a Sunday afternoon beside the Gazebo. Or possibly dashing from one of our cherished churches which warm the streets of our town. She always looks beautiful in her carefully chosen fashion, always full of hope and promise. And we all pause and gaze in her direction as a smile comes to our lips and we each feel a familiar tug at our hearts. As a friend once remarked, "Everyone loves romance." But the glow seems to be all too short-lived. Some who study the behavior trends of our culture are now predicting up to a 67 % failure rate of recent first-time marriages. We put a very heavy burden of great expectations on this increasingly fragile institution. We expect that this other person we choose for a mate will continually provide all the good things we have ever known and mend all the hurts we have ever experienced. This other person is "going to make me happy." Thus the young couple is set for a very predictable progression from great expectation to hurtful alienation. Too often a great deal of pain is experienced and poured out on others around us before we come to the startling realization that one's experience of emotion is his own responsibility. Happiness is one's own choice. When that knowledge arrive, it bring with it a great sense of wholeness. With this freedom, the individual now has choices about how he will respond in relation to others. The only responsible option then is to build relationships instead of tearing them down. David Schnarch, internationally renowned martial therapist, has the following piece by Peter McWilliams in the opening pages of his book, "Constructing the Sexual Crucible." "I must conquer my loneliness alone. I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer. Two halves have little choice but to join; And yes, they do make a whole but two wholes when they coincide. . . That is beauty. That is love." To put such maturity into action, decide (make a choice) that you will show kindness to someone whose behavior YOU BELIEVE does not warrant it. If you're really brave, try this behavior toward your spouse. For this act, you will be stronger, that is if you can keep the knowledge of your strength to yourself. To gloat in your strength would defeat the purpose and would not be an act of courage or strength or wholeness. You can contact Mikal Frazier at frazier02@aol.com NEXT WEEK - a special study on "The Nursing Home Decision - Trying to Decide What's Best for Aging Parents."