CONTENTS:

• JUST VISITING
• LOVE AND HERMIT CRABS
• MIKAL'S MORSELS AND BYTES FOR THE FAMILY
  Things That Get in the Way of Happiness
• THE GREATEST GIFT
  by Lisa W. Williams

JUST VISITING

Finally, we share "The Greatest Gift" written by Lisa W. Williams. Some of you have written to tell me that you are going through a divorce, but you do not want a divorce. I have to believe that for every person, who doesn't want a divorce, there is another person who does want it, if the divorce actually takes place. I feel the greatest sense of burden for those who are being divorced against their will. It occurs to me, however, that some may be on the fence. If your spouse is filing divorce proceedings against you and it's contrary to your will, there's probably not much you can do about it. If you have decided to file for divorce against your spouse, there's probably not much I can say that would dissuade you.

But if you are on the fence, you really need to read Lisa's article. It's one of the most powerful statements about divorce I've ever read. The article first appeared in the May-June issue of Image magazine and is used here by permission. Image is a cutting edge publication, edited by Denny Boultinghouse and devoted to contributing to the maturing of people in the image of Jesus. Their address is

Image Magazine
3117 North 7th St.
West Monroe, LA 71291-2227
http://www.howardco.com/image

Late one night, the children walked down to the beach and picked up some attractive looking hermit crabs. They wanted the shells, but they didn't want the crabs on the inside. The crabs were not anxious to vacate their home, so Ann agreed to "persuade" them to leave. I don't want to incur the wrath of animal rights activists, so I'll spare you the details of how she accomplished this remarkable feat. You've got to understand that Ann is scared of anything that moves and has more than two legs, but there she was at 1 o'clock in the morning coaxing the crabs out the shells, so the children could have the pretty shells to take home.

To me, Ann's willingness to remove the crabs was an expression of love. I suppose you could argue that she didn't love the crabs very much, but her love was directed to her children. That told me a great deal about the nature of love. Love did not go with her natural inclinations, but with a desire to do something for the children. Love expressed itself in a sacrifice of time and love required her to leave her personal comfort zone.

We have a tendency to think of love in sentimental terms, but there's not much sentiment involved in removing hermit crabs from a shell at one o'clock in the morning. Maybe that doesn't fit the popular notion of love, but it sure does line up with the Bible. "love is patient . . . kind . . . it is not self seeking. . . ." (1 Corinthians 13:4-6).

What is it that gets in the way of all the carefully laid plans and wonderful expectations? You were looking forward to just enjoying one another but the day or the event ended with absolutely no thought of pleasure.

The single culprit which makes evenings end in disaster and blows families completely apart has been identified as fear. It seems each and every one of us had made a life- altering decision many years ago, probably before we entered kindergarten. And that decision was: "Nobody and I mean nobody is ever going to get me in this situation again." "I will never be hurt like this again." And from that point on we began a path we have cushioned with self-protective behaviors, because if we let down our guard, we will get hurt.

Two basic fears bring people into my office. One is the fear of punishment or control. The other is the fear of abandonment or loss of protection. It could be one of these or a combination of the two. I believe each of these basic fears stems from a core fear which I call the fear of total obliteration. If I am overly punished or controlled, or if I am totally abandoned (loss of protection), I could be obliterated off the face of the earth.

As a result of these fears we develop a set of self-protective behaviors which block healthy relationships. These self-protective behaviors fall into two categories, that of the distancer in a relationship and that of the pursuer in a relationship. We all use pursuing or distancing behaviors from time to time and each can be equally dysfunctional. The pursuer may become anxious when distance in the relationship begins to feel uncomfortable. The distancer may become anxious when intimacy in the relationship appears threatening. Thus, the stage is set for all kinds of chaos to break loose.

The following descriptions of the pursuer and distancer are given in Harriet Lerner's book, The Dance of Anger.

PURSUERS

• react to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship.
• place a high value on talking things out and expressing feelings, and believe others should do the same.
• feel rejected and take it personally when someone close to them wants more time and space alone or away from the relationship.
• may negatively label themselves as "too dependent" or "too demanding" in a relationship.
• tend to criticize their partner as someone who can't handle feelings or tolerate closeness.

DISTANCERS

• seek emotional distance of physical space when stress is high.
• consider themselves to be self-reliant and private persons--more "do-it- yourselfers" than help-seekers.
• have difficulty showing their needy, vulnerable, and dependent sides.
• receive such labels as "emotionally unavailable", "withholding", "unable to deal with feelings" from significant others.
• manage anxiety in personal relationships by intensifying work-related projects.
• may cut off a relationship entirely when things get intense, rather than hanging in and working it out.
• open up most freely when they are not pushed or pursued.

Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist engaged in private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana Her e-mail address is frazier02@aol.com

When I was a teenager, my father was unfaithful, and our once-happy home disintegrated right before our eyes. My two sisters and I cried many tears. After talking with both of them recently, I realized that, like me, they are still feeling the effects of our parents' divorce, maybe more than ever. I am thirty-four years old and feel as though I have cried more tears in my thirties than I did in my teens or twenties.

A common misconception is that children go through a period of upheaval and turmoil and then adjust to divorce. But I often talk to adults who are still trying to deal with problems created by divorced parents. When two people choose to end their marriage, they will usually move on and eventually build a new life. But as long as the children live, they will have divorced parents. Our dilemma only gets more complicated as the years go by. Holidays are never the same. Now, time must be divided between the two parents. Weddings, funerals, and all family events are filled with awkwardness and confusion.

I now have two children of my own. My daughter, at the age of four, climbed up beside my father and presented this question, "Why did you marry Grandmother if you weren't going to live with her?" We tried to laugh, but each and every heart in the room was breaking. If divorce is looking like an easy out for you, have you considered answering a question like that down the road?

In the fall of 1993, my oldest sister moved back to Tennessee after many years in California. All three girls were home for Thanksgiving that year. There was so much talk about all of us being together. It struck me that we were not all together. We were together with our mother on Thursday, and we were together with our father on Friday. But we were never all together.

For years, I have heard about couples who stayed together until their children were grown. My sister, who was already married at the time of our parents' divorce, will tell you that does not make it any easier. Pain is as real at twenty as it is at ten.

For the reader who may already be divorced, here is some advice from a daughter's perspective. First, if you and your ex-spouse are not already communicating directly, the time to start is now. Do not fall into the trap of talking through your children. For example, if the alimony or child support is late, use the phone or the ever faithful postal service. Don't tell your child to ask his or her father where the check is. Children should not be put in such awkward situations.

Secondly, try not to speak negatively about your former spouse. Your former spouse is still your child's current father or mother. No one wants to hear degrading remarks about a family member. And may I take this opportunity to say that my hat is off to my Mom and Dad. They were the greatest for not trying to turn us against the other one.

Thirdly, be able to attend the same functions without making everyone uncomfortable. For years I fretted over who to invite to what. For the first time since my parents divorced, I invited both parents to a special event - my sister's fortieth birthday party. I finally realized that I should not have to figure out these things every time. So, with the ball in their court, one came and the other graciously declined so not to make things awkward. Maybe one day I will experience the joy of both grandparents coming to a Little League game.

For those readers who might be contemplating a divorce, hang in there. I am not suggesting that you simply stay together for the sake of your children. However, I am suggesting that you work on making a better marriage for the well-being of those much-loved treasures-your children. In some cases, only one may desire to keep trying. This is especially difficult when a third person is involved. But if you are both trying, don't just think about the now. Think about the future, the generations to come, and the lasting effects of the dreaded "D" word. If you stick it out and make it work, you will be giving your precious children the greatest gift of all.

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "Assumptions Obstruct Communication"