CONTENTS:

• Just Visiting
• Managing Personal Conflicts
• MIKAL'S MORSELS AND BYTES FOR THE FAMILY
  A CONTINGENCY CONTRACT RESTORES SANITY

JUST VISITING

Conflict is a distasteful yet inevitable part of life. There are some people for whom conflict is not distasteful. A lawyer told me that he would probably die if he couldn't be involved in some kind of conflict. He's probably well suited for his law practice. He gets his competitive urges out of his system in the courtroom and then goes on the treat his family and friends decently. But most people don't relish controversy the way lawyers do.

We have all been through some kind of hurt, disappointment or trauma brought on by conflict that got out of hand. Believe it or not, such conflict can even be profitable.

IT MAY RESULT IN A SHARPER UNDERSTANDING OF ISSUES. There have been controversial issues that I didn't want to deal with. Sometimes I didn't really know how I felt about them, but when I was forced to study through those issues and when it did,I developed a much clearer understanding of which issues were real and which ones were rhetorical smokescreen. I was able to consider the evidence being offered in support of various points of view. More importantly, I defined what I believed and why.

CONFLICT MAY CONTRIBUTE TO COMMUNICATION. Someone says, "I don't agree with what you're saying," You answer, "What do you think I'm saying." The person who doesn't agree says, "Well you're saying thus and so." You answer, "That's not what I'm saying at all." You challenger says, "Then what are you saying?" You say, "Well, I'm saying. . . ." At that point you are forced to rethink what you're saying, to put in different words, to clarify what you meant, etc. The other person may still not understand what you're saying, so you may have to go back and repeat yourself half a dozen times and then finally the person who claimed to disagree with you says, "Oh, you're saying, this." And you say, "yeah, that's what I'm saying." And the person says, "Well, I don't disagree with that at all." When that happens, conflict has become an occasion of clearing up a misunderstanding. And that's good.

CONFLICT HELPS US GET ISSUES OUT IN THE OPEN. Maybe there's a disagreement that we think is too hot to handle. We're afraid that if we addresses this issue, everyone is going to lose control of their emotions, that hostility will develop, that friendships will be lost, so we mask our feelings and we end sabotaging our relationships with passive aggression. We're not willing to get things out in the open, but we don't cooperate either, so the relationship just sort of deadlocks into a state of perpetual unhappiness. We relate to one another mostly by giving each other a cold shoulder. Conflict unsticks that relationship. It might make it worse, but it also has the capacity to make it better.

Today we want to look at some differing approaches that people use in managing their conflict, but before we do, let's look at scriptural principles that govern us in conflict.

                       BIBLICAL TEACHING ON CONFLICT

1.    Matthew 5:23-24" 

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there
remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift
there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your
brother; then come and offer your gift." (NIV)

What principles of conflict management do we learn from these verses?
Why do our grievances against one another adversely affect our
worship?

2.    Matthew 5:25  

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to
court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand
you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the
officer, and you may be thrown into prison. "

      KJV  "agree with thine adversary quickly"
      Greek "have a good will toward."
      When you have a difference with a brother, who should make the
      first move?

3.    Galatians 5:14-15  

"The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor
as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other,
watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." 

Why did Paul present the Golden Rule before issuing the warning about
biting and devouring each other? 

Why are there no winners in an ongoing conflict?  

4.    Galatians 6:1-5

"1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual
should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be
tempted. 2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will
fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks he is something when
he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 Each one should test his own
actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself
to somebody else, 5 for each one should carry his own load."

.    
What happens when we try to practice verse 1, while forgetting Gal.
5:4?

Is it possible to approach a brother or sister with good intentions,
yet forget to treat him gently?   Give some examples.

How does the rest of the text apply to conflict management?


          EVALUATION OF DIFFERENT CONFLICT MANAGEMENT APPROACHES.

1.    PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING IS GREAT.   Let's say that a wife
attempts to communicate with her husband concerning the quality of
their relationship.  She sees them spending less time with each
other. Their conversations have become superficial.  They're not
exchanging affection like they did when they first married.  The
husband is wrapped up in his work and neglecting her needs.   She
wants to talk about this.   But the husband is bucking for a
promotion in his job and he's under a lot of pressure to perform at
work.  He only wants to get ahead to make a better life for her, so
they can buy that new house she wants and have a few nice things.  He
doesn't' need pressure from her about their relationship.   And so he
says, "Well maybe you think we have a problem,  but I'm happy with
the way the relationship is going.  I thought everything was great."

Why do some people deal with a problem by conflict by trying to
pretend that it doesn't exist?

Is it possible for a bored wife to make a mountain out of a molehill?

What will be the likely result of continuing to believe nothing is
wrong?

In Jeremiah 6, the prophet predicts the fall of Jerusalem.  
Unfortunately, the people of Jerusalem weren't seeing the conditions
that contributed to their fall.  He said of the prophets and priests
in Jerusalem, "They dress the wound of my people  as though it were
not serious.  'Peace, peace,' they say, when there is no peace"
(Jeremiah 6:14).

What does that communicate to us about the "everything is great"
method of managing conflict?

2. I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.    Those who employ his method assume that
absolute right and absolute wrong exists in every disagreement. Some
people lack the willingness to admit wrong, so they point the finger
of blame at the other person.  This is sometimes called
"projection." Such a person assumes, "Truth is always on my side.  
We can have harmony in our relationship only if you will admit your
error and see things my way."

Do people really adopt this stance in matters of personal conflict?

What would cause them to make such arrogant assumptions?

             [1]    Insecurity.
             [2]    Pride
             [3]    Close mindedness
             [4]    Assuming that one has perfect understanding of all
                      matters  concerned.

How does this attitude compare with what the scriptures say?

             [1]    Galatians 6:1 "Brothers, if someone is caught in a
                     sin, you who   are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch
                    yourself, or you also may be tempted."

             [2]    Philippians 2:3  "Do nothing out of selfish  ambition or vain conceit,
                      but in humility consider others better than  yourselves."

             [3]    Galatians 5:26 "Let us not become conceited,  provoking and
                      envying each other."

             [4]    Romans 12:10  "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
                     Honor one another above yourselves."

             [5]    1 Peter 5:5 "Young men, in the same way be submissive to those
                      who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with 
                      humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes
                      the proud but gives grace to the humble." 

How can we recognize sinful pride when we are in conflict with others?

3.    THE BROAD SHOULDERS APPROACH.   The person who is apt to adopt
this approach probably has an extreme dislike for controversy.  
This person is the very opposite of the lawyer who loves conflict.  
A "broad shoulders" person will do anything to avoid disagreement.  
If there is a confrontation the broad shoulders style is to accept
the blame and yield to the demands of the person who wants to fight.

      (1)    Paul dealt with some people like this when he wrote
              Galatians.  False  teachers had come into the churches, suggesting that the
             people had been insufficiently taught.   Instead of  resisting, they caved in.  So he asks in Galatians 3:1
             "You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you?" 
             (Galatians 3:1)

      (2)    In Galatians 5:7 he said, "You were running a good race.
              Who cut in on   you and kept you from obeying the truth?"

      (3)    As Paul saw it, it is not always a good thing to give in
               when you are   involved in conflict.  He counsels the Galatians,
               Galatians 5:1" It is for freedom that Christ has set us
               free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be
               burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

      (4)    What application might these verses have toward a person
              who is willing  to accept blame so the conflict will end?

      (5)    Why is the "broad shoulders" approach unsatisfactory?

             [1]    The burden of peacemaking is always one sided.
             [2]    The cause of the conflict is rarely resolved.   It is
                      shoved inward  and resentment continues.
             [3]    The person who accepts the blame in order to make
                      peace, will  often find ways to sabotage the relationship
                      through non- cooperation.
             [4]    If the other party does indeed share in the
                     responsibility for a rupture in relationships, that person goes on in
                     life without dealing with his or her own faults
                     and may well damage other relationships.


4.    LOVING CONFRONTATION.   This is the course of conflict
management  recommended in scripture.  (See the passages cited previously). 

How can we confront each other without attacking?

Think back to some situation in which you were lovingly confronted.  
What caused you to see it as a loving confrontation, instead of an
attack?


                                CONCLUSION

Principles to practice when we engage in healthy conflict management.

1.    If I disagree with another person,  I must find a way to let
that person know that I genuinely care about that person and the
continuation of the relationship.

2.    I must let the other person know that I feel deeply about the
issues that have placed us in conflict with each other.

3.    I must respect the other person's honesty and point of view,
even though I may disagree.

4.    I must listen intently to what the other person has to say,
allowing that person to clarify points that I do not accurately
understand.

5.    I must avoid all kinds games, tricks, manipulations and clever
strategies.

6.    I must be more interested in maintaining the relationship than
in winning.

7.    I must be willing to invest time in the relationship.

8.    I must be willing to admit and acknowledge my own shortcomings.

9.    I must be more concerned about "what's right"  than "who's
right."

10.   I must pray regularly for the person with whom I have a
difference.

"He has the brightest mind in the class," a teacher once said. When he was still a toddler I was waiting in the driver's license renewal line and he began calling off the letters on a sign. At the age of two he memorized rhymes from a little book I read to him. This feat made great points with his grandfather.

So why at the age of 13 or 14 did he start bring home horrendous grades? And I mean horrendous. We never required straight A's, but surely nothing below a C.

How did we attempt to solve this problem? Well we did what came naturally. We fussed at him. We lectured. We pleaded. We reasoned. My husband and I fussed between ourselves over how to handle the situation. I fussed at Jamey and Jim defended our child. Jim fussed at Jamey and I defended our child. The counselor said, "This child has the strongest personality in your family. He is monitoring your entire household." Well yes, that did seem to describe our predicament.

So what was the answer? First and foremost, Jim and I as parents, had to realize that our angering at one another and angering at our child was not a part of the solution. As I often tell parents, your child goes for your emotional jugular vein. It won't matter what you do to your child if you are angry. You can ground them until they are forty or beat them (Please don't!) within an inch of their lives. But if these consequences are administered with anger, your child has hooked you into a status struggle. Mom and Dad, you may win the battle, but you will lose the war.

Next Jim and I had to agree on a plan. When school began that fall, Jamey would be in the ninth grade. His eighth-grade year had been the season of our insanity. Jim and I decided we would remove ourselves from the problem of Jamey's school work, and then make it valuable to Jamey to bring up his grades. As long as it was controlling our lives we were making his scholastic achievement our problem. We had to find a way for it to be his problem only.

We told him, "Son, we are not fussing at your anymore about your grades. From here on out what you do is up to you. If you need books or supplies or a ride to the library we will provide it." We also introduced another aspect, "Jamey, for every grade you make below a "C? you will be delayed six weeks in getting your driver's license." From that point on we never again asked if he had studied for a test or why he had waited until the last minute to gather information for a report. And when the grades were below a "C" we became his allies and said, "Son, we're really sorry (must be genuine), but you know the rule." No more was said.

He tested us. (And they will). He was delayed six months in getting his driver's license. The next school year we said, "Okay, if you make a grade below a "C" the driver's license is put up for six weeks. Jamey stayed on the "B" honor roll for the entire year. Once more before he graduated the driver's license went up for six weeks. We never again took his grades on as our problem.

See the next "Morsels and Bytes" for the rest of the story with "The Merit of the Contingency Contract."

Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. Her e-mail address is frazier02@aol.com.

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE "Guy Things"