CONTENTS:

• JUST VISITING
• GUY THINGS
• THE MERIT OF THE CONTINGENCY CONTRACT

JUST VISITING

Mikal is back to complete her thoughts about the contingency contract. If you have children, you'll find her article extremely practical. If you appreciate the things Mikal has written, you might want to give her some feedback - frazier02@aol.com.

We have a fatherhood crisis on our hands and some observers predict some dire consequences if we don't reverse it. One family life expert told ABC, "If we don't reverse the trend toward fatherlessness, we are going to be a nation in decline." I would like to think that's an exaggeration, but every time I look at the statistical data on the current status of fatherhood in America, I feel a little nauseous. Let me just share a fews stats to illustrate my point.

      --     On any given night, 40 percent of children go to sleep
              without a father in  the home.

      --     Twenty-seven percent or 18 million American children grow
              up in a  single-parent home.  Of these, only one out of eight is
              headed by a father.  - source: Stephen Sumerel, director
              of Family Life and Substance Abuse for the Baptist State
              Convention of North Carolina.

      --     In the state of Louisiana, 32 per cent of the children
             live in poverty; 35 per cent live in single parent homes.

Social critic, John Leo worries that we may even be approaching a time when fathers are viewed as "troublesome, marginal and essentially irrelevant inseminators." Daniel Blankenhorn, author of Fatherless America, laments the fact that the phrase "good family man" has almost disappeared from our language.

Children of both sexes need male role models, communication with males and male instruction to become healthy adults. We all know single mothers, who have done well in parenting their children. In the Bible Paul speaks of Timothy's faith which was nurtured by his mother and grandmother (2 Timothy 1:5), but that's the exception rather than the rule. The Bible clearly makes fathers responsible for passing on spiritual instruction. " Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4)

All four of my children live several hundred miles away, so we don't get together very often. When we're together, my boys and I talk about guy things and do guy things. I'm still enjoying the afterglow of watching a minor league baseball game with my son and grandson. I have a precious grand daughter, but she and her mother had to leave early to enroll my grand daughter in a Christian camp. My son and grandson stayed on for a few more days. We did a lot of guy things. We went fishing, visited a military museum, took in the baseball game and then threw all of our dignity to the winds when we attended the stock car races at our local dirt track.

What really impressed me the most, however, was the way my son and grandson interacted with each other. They played computer games together, laughed together and sometimes, you could see them just lying on their backs and talking with one another. A couple of days after they left, the two of them visited a Civil War battlefield together. Because they do guy things, they also have open discussions about truth, values and morality. Girls also needs fathers. Fathers provide a sense of security and strength during a girl's formative years. Besides that fathers provide daughters with a role model when they look for a husband.

For twenty-nine years, I've been the number one man in my only daughter's life. I'm getting ready to pass the baton to a young man who will reduce me in rank to number two. I'm having a little bit of emotional difficulty in accepting that role. A few days ago, she and I were talking about her upcoming marriage. She said, "Dad, I really have a lot of your qualities." In half hearted attempt at humor, I said, "Unfortunately, you do." . She said, "No, Dad. The best qualities I have, I got from you." Needless to say, Dad's buttons were about ready to pop off his shirt. At that moment, I really came to understand how important "guy things" are to daughters.

The television people found the father of the little boy who wanted to do "guy things" with his Dad. They showed him a videotape of their interview with the boy. How did he respond? He said, "I'm not into parenting." Excuse me, but that's not going to cut it.

I may be "preaching to the choir." You're probably not going to subscribe to "All About Families" if you're not sensitive to family values. Perhaps the best I can do is simply reinforce the good job you're already doing. Hang in there, Dads. You play a vital role in the shaping of your children and ultimately in the shaping of society.

Understanding the processes of this period can shed some light on this struggle. Dr. David K. Lewis, a researcher and author in the field of adolescent psychology, once told me, "For a family, experiencing the teenage years is like going to a funeral where no one can wear black." He meant the roles are changing so drastically, that in many ways it does feel like a death is occurring. Even though there are often tremendous gains, change always carries with it a feeling of loss. The feeling of loss is great, for parents and teenagers.

A tool which has been useful for navigating these troubled waters is the contingency contract. In a contingency contract the goal is to align some of the desires of the parents with the desires of the young person. One approach is for the parties to sit down and make a list of two or three items which each person wants and then two or three items each person is willing to do or give. In an example I have used, we wanted our son to bring up his grades and he wanted to get his driver's license. Therefore, we agreed that his getting his driver's license was contingent on his making a C or better on his report card. For every grade below a C he would be delayed six weeks in getting his driver's license.

Other agreements might be contracting for use of the car on Friday night, or use of the telephone. As parents we have four areas of leverage with our young person. These are freedom, money, clothing, and electricity. Receiving privileges from each of these areas can be made contingent upon a child providing certain behaviors.

Crucial elements of an effective contract are:

1. Parents MUST agree on what they expect from the child and the terms of the contingency contract. Don't attempt anything until you can agree!
2. A parent must detach emotionally from the issue of the child's misbehavior. If a child is creating pure havoc in the family, Mom and Dad the buck stops with you. Your child wants you in the role of parent, and her behavior is quite probably a cry for help, because things are out of order in her world. With the contract in place, there is no more need for angering at your child. Depressing over the matter must not occur. This issue of emotional detachment in response to a child's misbehavior is probably the most crucial issue in training a child, after the parents' agreement.
3. Empathize with and encourage your child. When consequences of the contract must be invoked, express genuine regret for what your child must now endure. When the tasks of the contract are accomplished, express the positive feelings you believe your child is now experiencing. This is real encouragement.
4. Make the items of the contract logical and appropriate. Children must know they will see daylight again and they will have another chance. To ground your child for six weeks because he didn't mow the lawn is too severe. The child might give up entirely. If your child does not take out the trash one day, then one day without telephone or television might be effective.
5. Expect resistance, but stand your ground. Your child will test the limits. She does this out of her own health. She is reassuring herself that the boundaries around her life are sure and steadfast. She must know this and it is up to the parents to give the child this security.

Mom and Dad, your adolescent may look like a junior adult, but he isn't. His emotional needs have changed little, and the lessons he must learn remain the same. Some experts claim the years from 15 - 18 are a parent's second chance. The contingency contract can help redeem a parent from mistakes of the past.

Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. Her e-mail address is frazier02@aol.com.

FROM THE E-MAIL BAG

"Your view of the Scriptures on the subject of work was interesting. I think it is a little forced to describe secular work as sacred, however. The meaning of the passages quoted applies to our lives, and everything we do, not just work - but I know you know that, too. I just wouldn't want your focus on work to override our Lord's message to your readers. By the way, "And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.", is Colossians 3:17, not Colossians 2:18."

NEXT WEEK'S STUDY OUTLINE: "DEVELOPING CREATIVE RELATIONSHIPS"